For some context I (F) met my bsf (also F) about 3 years ago. We met through a mutual friend and hit it off instantly. My bsf ended up moving about 2 hours away from where we were a few months after we become friends. Ive gone to her house once and stayed for four days, that was when i realized i had a crush on her. I kept it a secret for a while but eventually told her about my feelings. Im gonna skip some time since this story would be super long, i also dont remember the full timeline, but we ended up dating about 3 times (including the first time), and our last breakup was at the end of December. I still like her. She knows this as i haven’t made an effort to hide it from her since i didnt see a point, especially since we’ve dated before. Heres the actual problem, ever since out last breakup (and even before), shes made jokes abt my crush on her. Stuff like "I bet your jealous im talking about someone else" which didnt hurt as she was talking about someone i know for a fact she doesn’t like. Most of what she says doesn’t hurt but some of it does. Its complicated to explain because i know shes not meaning too, and i go along with the jokes aswell. But lately ive noticed they hurt more. I dont know if that makes sense. I love her so much and im not sure what to do. Shes very sensitive (due to her past) to someone being mad at her (or when she thinks someone is). If i dont respond and leave her on open (when were being jokingly mean to eachother something we do often, its our love language) she thinks i actually got mad at something she said. Anyway, whats really getting me is she keeps giving me mixed signals about if she also likes me again or not, like shes toying with me (at least feels like it). Sometimes it feels like shes toying with me, like she knows it’ll keep me on a string. But i dont know that for sure (just feelings from my part). But i tend to be an overthinker so i dont know if its all in my head.
I dont know how to approach this because i dont want to hurt her further as she does have trauma from past relationships, but i genuinely dont know how long i can keep this up. But i also dont want to end it because it makes me feel some connection to her, like i may still have a chance. I also dont want to cut contact completely as i do love her platonically as my bestfriend aswell.
Any advice on how to go about this without hurting both of us further in the process? This is kinda a rambling most so im sorry about that.
NTA but you will be to yourself if things don’t change. She’s emotionally manipulative not sensitive. So, nobody gets to bring anything up with her if it upsets them because it might upset her?Yeah, that’s not healthy or okay. People are going to be mad at you at one time or another that’s just life. She’s not your friend and she just isn’t funny. Please, stop wasting your time and feelings on someone who doesn’t care if they hurt you.
Her trauma isn’t her fault but it’s hers to deal with not everyone else’s job to tip toe around her like she’s made of glass. I don’t know how old you are, I’m going to assume fairly young, but this is one small snapshot of your life. Don’t keep people around who think making fun of your feelings is in any way justified, it’s not. Don’t chase people who won’t give you the time of day. You tried dating and it didn’t work, you need to move on and put your effort and love into someone who actually cares about you.
NTA. Whether she means to or not, she is messing with your head. I don’t think she is ready to be done with you so she doesn’t actually want to let you go. It could be because she likes knowing you’re always there as a backup but either way you deserve better. Anyone who knows someone has feelings for them, and toys with them or dangles the candy in front of the baby then pulls it away, is not someone who respects you at all. You deserve better.
NTA, she shouldn’t be treating you like that, you deserve better. How can you continue to love her when she treats you like this? It won’t get better, even if you get back together. She has a cruel streak to her
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Should i set that boundary of stop joking about? How do i approach it? Because i know if i just try and jump into it I’ll get hurt in the process aswell. And i also do still love her platonically, shes been a great friend to me besides this and with our dynamic of dark humor and other jokes, im not sure how to approach it because ive never dealt with this before.
Speak plainly with her. Let her know you need to speak with her about an important matter and that these jokes about your feelings are painful. If she gets upset and pushes back about stopping, she’s signalling that *her* amusement and comfort are *more important to her* than *you are*; if she thinks she is more important than your feelings, your emotions, and your comfort. It’ll show if she’s actually your friend, or if you’re just her emotional relationship backup punching bag she keeps around for comfort’s sake. You don’t deserve that.
Honestly I think it’s best if you step back from her entirely until you can deal with your unresolved feelings and be able to put them aside. 3 failed relationships with the same person is usually an indication of you not being compatible at this time. Don’t keep trying with someone who finds your pain funny unless you want a lifetime of pain, insecurity, and heartbreak.
NTA , it seems like she is leading you on. I hate it say it like this, but as someone who is pretty sensitive and dislikes when others are mad at me, it’s unfair to use it as a crutch.
You said it yourself you still like her and she is aware of that, if you’ve already dated three times with the hopes of it again, why don’t you just talk out the reoccurring problems you guys have? Communication is very much needed in a healthy relationship and if you can’t have that, both of you will end up being unsatisfied.
I doubt your best friend is evil by any means, but she needs to understand that she cannot say lines like that, when they are obviously used to make you jealous. It seems like she is testing you in some sort of odd way, and I believe you should just set a clear boundary between what is acceptable and what isn’t. I hope your situation gets better and you guys will be able to continue your friendship, romantic or not!
NTA but genuinely what are you doing? You’ve already broken up multiple times. Grow a back bone and stop letting this girl keep you around as a backup that she can call up whenever she decides she wants to be in a relationship again.
She’s either manipulative, deeply insecure, or very immature, and none of these are conducive to a successful relationship. Also, you are grown. She is grown. Tell her she hurt your feelings, and let her deal with it like an adult. This extremely mild criticism should not be enough to break your friendship. If it is, she doesn’t care enough about you to consider your perspective and feelings, and she’s not worth having as a friend.
Edit: just realized you didn’t listen ages, so perhaps you are both not grown. It would clarify a lot about this situation
NTA – this sounds very mean and cruel.
With friends like that, you’d better better off as enemies.
NAH You could always date someone else for a bit while staying friends with her. Maybe you’ll end up back with each other someday. But it’s getting kinda toxic and maybe you should try to just be friends for awhile?
When someone weaponizes their emotions (making you afraid to tell them that they hurt you for fear of their reaction), it isn’t “sensitivity”. It’s manipulation.
What’s more, these little “jokes” don’t sound harmless to me at all. They sound intentionally designed to make sure you’re still pining after her, in case she decides she still wants you. Don’t let her keep you on the hook. You deserve to be loved enthusiastically. You deserve to be loved loudly. You deserve to be someone’s first choice. You do not deserve to be someone that someone else is keeping around just in case.