I’m 26F, living with parents, in Europe. Just for context: the dynamic in our family is that you get no love unless you are perfect (and you never will be), money is a source of self-imposed stress, and academic achievement and money are top values.
I left home when I was 18. During this time I lived on-and-off with my parents. Last year I got out of an abusive 3 year relationship with a man twice my age. I hit the rock bottom. I snapped out of it, went to therapy, cut the old ex off completely, left home, went back to school, 99% finished my BA while working 1.5 jobs, got my health in check.
Now I have been living back with my parents again for \~5 months. I do not pay rent, but pay all my own bills, cook, clean, and spend \~over a third of my salary on the household. Overall I do not cause any trouble.
I made it clear to my parents any time I temporarily returned home since 21 that I do want to pay rent. They insisted I don’t and that I rather focus on studying and myself. So I did. I’ve had jobs since 16, still work and have 2 jobs lined up, in a good place for the first time in my life.
Today mom came in my room to ‘talk’ about our earlier quarrel. She said she realized it was not nice of her to snap at me for boiling 200ml more of water in the kettle than I needed. She snaps at me for reasons like this regularly, then ‘apologizes’ and does it again 5 min later.
I said I appreciated it and that I’m actively trying to not be in the way or be wastefull.
Then she said I should be grateful she lets me use her pots and her kitchen and allows me to take a shower etc. And that I am spoiled, ungrateful, and she shouldn’t be paying for a grown up woman to live in her house.
I almost burst into tears. I told her that if she okay with caring for another human being, she shouldn’t have had children. But she does and she had, if no other, then at least a legal obligation to provide for me till 18 and hopefully support my education, which she (or rather dad) did, and I made it clear many times I was grateful and that it hurts she sees me as the opposite.
Then I said that it was a mental thing to say that your own kids should be grateful you allowed them to use your pots and shower and that when I have my own kids one day I will be happy to support them selflessly as long as I lived. I think the last bit especially triggered her.
She replied that I don’t get it, that she \_is\_ happy that I am home.
I replied ‘you are obviously not.’
She got furious, said I was being offensive and disrespectful as she stormed out of my room.
I hope I’m not sounding like a victim. I know I fucked my own life and I do my best now to take responsibility for myself and to not be a disapointment to my family. But sometimes it feels this is a war I can never win and the solution is just to not fight it at all.
Am I a shit daughter? Am I a disrespectful ungrateful 26 year old child? Am I the asshole to my parents? Was I the asshole to my mom?
NTA. You articulated yourself very well. Free rent doesn’t mean your parents get free rein to treat you badly, even if you weren’t contributing otherwise.
Here’s the part where I disagree with you: IMO one can be a great, loving, caring parent and still want their adult child to move out and support themselves.
You and your mom both seem to like to express yourselves with big, dramatic statements that are kind of uncalled for, but I’d actually say NAH. She was OK with supporting you for a while, but now she’s fed up with it and I don’t think that makes her an AH. As for OP: you needed help, they offered it, you’re doing your best and on track to become independent ASAP, so I’m not calling you an AH either. (Note: I’m assuming you’re going to do that last 1% of your degree soon, right?)
EDIT: To be clear, I’m not saying OP’s mom doesn’t suck in other ways. Just that in regard to the specific question of whether OP should move out, she’s allowed to want her to.
I agree that one can be a loving caring parent and want their child to move out, absolutely. In their child’s best interest.
As hard as I try to assume that that is my mom’s case, she often lets me know that she’s decided I’m bad way before I had a chance to be good and she wants me to move out just cause my existence pisses her of cause I am not perfect as she required.
That’s life. I’m just sad that there is not much hope of me having a good relationship with her.
Finishing the 1% next week, moving out, and starting the 2nd job all on the same day.
Thank you for your comment.
With all that you are contributing and doing for the household, it really is contradictory of her to say that you are spoiled and ungrateful and at the same time say she is happy you are home. I understand your feeling hurt and calling her out on it. Does she want you to live your life and be ready to take on the two jobs you have lined up or fawn over her with gratitude that she lets you bathe in her home? Because you probably don’t have time to do both, and one is productive and normal and the other is ridiculous.
NTA but she is happy that she has someone to abuse. The snapping then going back to normal then doing it again is the cycle of abuse. Being able to control you and yell at you makes her happy. Just keep your head down and get out asap. With a mother like that I see why you ended up in an abusive relationship.
https://www.choosingtherapy.com/manipulation-tactics/
Here is a booklist that will have many books that directly apply to your situation
https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/books/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1
Working through exactly that in therapy. Most sessions come back to my relationship with her hah.
The conflicts with her started getting worse the moment I started standing up for myself.
Hoping for better years ahead.
Thank you for your comment and for the resources you linked.
NTA
But, you probably need to grey rock until you can move out.
NTA but you should move out ASAP.
Time to move out. Children won’t have a good relationship with parents if they’re still living with them. It’s still her home and her rules. Get your own place and start your own life with or without them.
NTA
I’m usually on the side of “adults move out and live on their own”, but you’re definitely not taking advantage of your parents here.
I would say you should move out as soon as possible. But for YOUR sanity. Your mother seems very passive-aggressive on this, saying she’s glad you’re there then berating you for using the shower or kitchen.
For your own sake, get out as soon as you can. But you are not in the wrong in any way.
ESH. Your mom more so than you though.
You should acknowledge they’re helping you save money by not charging rent, which you stated at 18 you didn’t want to pay.
Your mom freaked out over nothing and is demanding gratitude.
Can you two have adult conversations to talk about it? Couples therapy? If your mental health can’t handle living there moving out before you prefer would be best.
Just to clarify – I made it clear I absolutely DID want to pay rent.
I really always made it clear I was appreciative and lucky to have a place to retreat back to.
What hurts me was that I’m the scapegoat of the family. My parents are stressed financially, especially dad as he is the main provider – houses, sister’s horse, mom likes to spend. But then she gets mad at me for inviting dad to lunch (I offered to pay) while they are stretching till the end of the month (I cook). Which I had no way of knowing because every other day she is receiving deliveries of new clothes.
And I’m ‘being the drag on their finances’ by living with them. I’m just the closest target to take out the frustration on.
No adult conversation is possible. I do therapy, and she is doing a ‘spiritual awakening’ course she calls therapy and then proceeds to tell me my therapy is not helping me at all and I should quit it. No adult conversation is possible. I’ve been trying my whole life lol.
Yes, I’m out of here. Worried about dad.
Sorry, just venting.. I feel like I’m going crazy sometimes and doubt whether it is all my fault as always.
NTA. But you need to move out. Not because it’s not ok to stay with your parents, but because this will not change and any of your well thought out and reasonable responses won’t work on parents like this. They don’t change and they don’t hear what you say. You’ll suffer the same as you did earlier. Ask me how I know.
I’m sorry to see you in the same boat.
Hope it got better for you! and will so for me too.