I (30F) have had a 2 year long engagement. I asked one of my closest friends (call her Julie) to be a bridesmaid shortly after getting engaged. She agreed enthusiastically.
For context: Julie has 2 kids, is a single mom, and isn’t well off financially. I was aware of this when I asked her.
Over the last 2 yrs, she hasn’t tried to meet us halfway on anything. Examples:
* She attended one bridal dress appointment, but then bailed on the girls lunch we all had planned after
* She didn’t attend any other dress appointments & will not attend the bachelorette, even partially.
* She barely attended the engagement party (also didn’t even ask about planning it/if she could help at all/or ask to be involved). She arrived early and left 15 minutes later, before anyone else got there.
* Her participation in group chats (about planning/events/etc) is minimal, as she so rarely chimes in and even ignores direct questions to her (read receipts are on, so we know she’s read them)
* She hasn’t once personally reached out to me to ask how planning is going or offered any support whatsoever
I’ve been giving 4m to 2yrs notice for events/appointments, and obviously for the actual wedding day too, which I thought would be helpful for her when planning childcare. I repeatedly offered flexibility with her in ways like changing dates so they’re convenient for her, offering to spot her for costs or outright paying for them totally. Every single time we try to plan something, her response is essentially “thanks, but no thanks”. I’m hurt that she is declining these important moments before even trying to make them work.
I’m not going to pretend I know what its like to be a single mother. However I do know her very well (friends for over 25 years) and I know she has options for childcare that she’s used before (her mom, brother, friend, boyfriend, etc), so its adding to my frustration that she won’t try to make arrangements with them while still insisting that she’s doing the best she can.
After my MOH confronted her about this lack of presence, Julie messaged me reiterating that she’s doing the best she can and that I need to be understanding of her personal situation.
I responded that the reality is that she hasn’t been present or involved in any meaningful way. That if I had known from the start when I asked her to be a bridesmaid that her level of involvement would be next to nothing, I wouldn’t have asked her. I explained that I thought it would be best for her to attend as a guest (since that is the only day she’s been able to carve out *some* time for).
Her response was to repeatedly say that I’m “judging” her/I “need to be understanding” (ironic)/“a best friend would understand & respect her situation”. She thinks that me understanding her limitations & personal situation also means excusing her shortcomings and allowing myself to be consistently let down. I have stopped engaging.
So, AITA for removing her from the wedding party?
YTA for removing your best friend from the wedding, when your best friend has a life of her own
Maybe I’m old, but to me yes, YTA. Standing up in a wedding shouldn’t mean a friend has to commit to several events and lots of money over two years. It means standing up in a wedding.
Young adults these days seem to use these things as a “prove to me that I matter to you” contest and that just smacks of main character energy.
Edited bc I shouldn’t call young adults kids.
This is bait…… YTA she’s got kids and work and your wedding isn’t important to anyone but you.
I think the way you’re talking about it makes you TA…
Saying that if you’ve known she would put no effort into this then you wouldn’t ask her…. That’s kind of awful. You care a lot about your wedding, but not everybody does.
But instead you could think how important it is that she attend to dress appointments or is it just more important that she show up to the wedding?
Or you could say that you understand she has a lot of on her plate and then maybe this was a bit much to take on and you understand if it doesn’t work for her right now and you’d love her to be a guest
Is this a troll post?
Julie’s only obligation as a bridesmaid to you is on your wedding day. Period. The rest is made up.
You knew her situation before asking, and yet you expected her to call in any and all favors/advantages she has to make her life easier to be used on all things…your wedding plans?
YTA.
YTA you’re stringing out your “it’s my moment” for two years? That’s absurd. Two months of activities focused on one woman is pushing it.
So, you removed one of your closest friends, (whom you knew had a lot of pre-existing conflicts to your super -duper exciting two year pre-wedding extravaganza) from your wedding party. That’s just sad.
YTA. Examine your priorities.
YTA
This has been going on for TWO YEARS?
Dude she’s a single mom. Just let her be a bridesmaid. You are too intense.
YTA. Your wedding isn’t important to anyone but you.
YTA. She’s busy and struggling financially.
The only thing a bridesmaid should have to do is show up to the wedding.
She didn’t ask to plan your engagement party? Do you realize how entitled that sounds.
YTA 110%. You expect her to have YOU to be the center of her life for 2 damn years?? She has two kids, works, is probably exhausted. You did her a favor, hope she finds real guenuine empathetic friends, not self centered like you. Have the marriage you deserve.
She couldn’t afford to go to your lunch.
She can’t afford to miss work or get childcare for the other stuff that you’ve decided that your wedding should entail.
She’s probably barely keeping her fucking head above water. She has two kids and you don’t have the foggiest idea what that entails.
YTA.
YTA.
I mean I chose my bridesmaids based on the people I loved and I wanted next to me on my wedding day, not based on how much effort they could put in pre-wedding. YTA.
YTA she’s a single mother of 2 what on earth do you expect? Do you imagine she can weave time, money and energy out of thin air?
The reason to choose someone as your bridesmaid is because you love them and want them beside you on your big day. It should not be contingent upon how many chores they can take off your hands for the wedding you have decided to – but don’t _have_ to – have. Do you love this friend or not? Because you are treating her appallingly.