I (30M) have been best friends with “M” (27M) since we were kids. We’re basically family at this point and he’s the closest person to me. Years ago I had feelings for him, he rejected me, and then two years later he admitted he’d had feelings for me too. By that point I was in medical school in NYC and he was in CA and we agreed long distance + med school was a terrible idea so we never dated and moved on. Nothing ever happened between us.
I’m done with med school now and doing well financially. Not rich, but very comfortable. My parents paid for my tuition, which I’m very grateful for, so I have no debt.
M is now in his last year of med here in NY school and is struggling badly. I went to his apartment for the first time in a while last week he had basically no food, literally just Liquid IV and RedBull. When I pushed he admitted he wasn’t doing great financially and might have to give up his apartment. (He has a job, but keeping up on rent and other things while in med school is rough. He has zero family or outside support). When I asked where he would go he just said he didn’t know but would figure it out, which I definitely didn’t approve of. I took him grocery shopping and offered to cover one month of rent. He resisted a lot but eventually accepted and thanked me.
This wasn’t a big deal for me financially and I’d do anything for him.
Two days ago my boyfriend (29M) asked how M was doing since I hadn’t seen him in a month. I told him honestly that I was worried about M since he didn’t seem to be doing well but helped him with rent so hopefully he’d stabilize. My boyfriend immediately flipped out, said it was “weird,” accused me of being “too nice” to M, and demanded to know why I wasn’t paying his rent if I had money to just hand out. He implied I still have feelings for M and that it was inappropriate. I was appalled.
For context, my boyfriend is not struggling like M is. He has a good job and roommates and hasn’t expressed financial stress and he’s never asked for help. It’s not like I’m paying some random guy’s rent, I’ve known M since we were kids and he knows how close M and I are.
Now he’s being cold and keeps bringing it up saying I crossed a line, and that I “may as well let M move in with me and sleep in my bed too”.
AITA?
EDIT: I forgot to include this information, but M used to have a roommate paying half of their shared rent. This past month his roommate moved out and stopped paying their share. M is currently searching for a new roommate or smaller studio apartment within budget but hasn’t had much luck.
Just wondering how he could afford rent on his own in NYC without roommates while being in med school?
He’s been using money he saved up during college + a gap year he took as well as what he makes from his current job. He lives in a lower class tiny apartment outside of the main city, hence me not having gotten to see him in a while. I should have added it in the initial post, but he used to have a roommate who moved out and stopped paying their share of the rent this past month. Ideally, yes, he’s going to move into a smaller studio or find a new roommate, but unfortunately that’s hard to do immediately. I’m going to see if I can edit that into my initial post since it’s relevant
NTA
You have a extremely possessive boyfriend. Red flags all around.
You’re not an asshole because it’s your money and you can do what you want with it, but your friend’s financial situation isn’t going to change in a month. You put a Band-Aid over a bullet wound. Your boyfriend clearly has some insecurity surrounding your relationship with M. Whether or not it’s warranted I can’t really say, but he doesn’t get to tell you how to spend your money if your finances aren’t combined or it isn’t impacting a shared household which you guys do not have.
He’s literally in med school his long term financial situation is great, hes in short term trouble
You’re NTA but your boyfriend is. He is jealous and maybe he senses something. Who knows but at the end of the day you helped a friend in need. Be proud of that and don’t let your bf make you feel differently. Who knows what can turn around for M because you eased his worries for a month.
NTA. So, what I’m hearing is that you helped out a lifelong friend who was in a really tough situation and your boyfriend is a massive drama queen. And he’s trying to paint you as the bad guy in this situation? Yeah no.
Helping out a friend is not even on the same level as “money to give out”
NTA. Back when I made more, I paid off a childhood friends remaining student debt. That’s my BROTHER from another mother. I have less now so I can’t do this for anyone now but I don’t regret it. Your boyfriend is being weird. It’s one thing to be like “huh that feels so intimate” but he’s picking this fight in a very childish way.
M is lucky to have a friend that is willing to help. Your bf should be proud to have someone so kind, generous, and supportive. I think you need to sit down and have a serious conversation with him cause a red flag is a wavin’. NTA but your bf is.
NAH. i think if my boyfriend told me he paid off the rent of his childhood friend who he used to have a thing for but currently doesn’t ONLY because of the distance, i would also find it a bit iffy and it would make me feel a bit insecure too. 🙁
Thank you for being the one reasonable person here.
NAH – No one is the asshole just has questionable choices
I completely understand the BF being uncomfortable given the history and the fact the only thing keeping them apart is the distance.
BF is clearly uncomfortable and really this won’t get any better. They should split up 🤷♀️
(* edit to include vote)
NAH – You’re helping out your childhood friend, but your bf is insecure, and believes you may still have feelings for him which i think is fair.
Your goal here should be to reassure your bf that you no longer have romantic feelings towards your childhood friend.
NTA. Whether or not you realize it yet, your relationship with your boyfriend is over. The fact that he’s this jealous and feels entitled to your money in any way, especially when y’all don’t even live together, is shocking. He doesn’t understand *taking care of the people you love*. People that selfish don’t change. You two have completely different values.