me (26F) and my bf (21M) have been dating for 3 months so yes things are still kind of new and we are still in the process of learning about each other but a couple weeks into our relationship after going on a few dates we started having sleepovers and everything and it was all fine. he was very open with me about his ex and how bad his relationship was from the start of us being together and didn’t hide anything from me. the last few weeks i feel he’s been distant and he told me how his depression is getting bad again and he’s thinking about going back on his meds. things haven’t been as affectionate with us lately and when i brought that up to him a couple weeks ago he said it was his depression and he doesn’t want to feel this way and that he still wants to be with me and he’s not upset or anything. later that night when he got home from work we talked a little more about it and he’s apologized to me for being sad and i told him how he doesn’t need to apologize for that and it’s stuff that’s out of his control and he can’t help. other than that he hasn’t really been any different with making time for me, doing things for me and telling me he loves me.
the other day when i was asking to see him and stay over he told me how he feels it’s best if we don’t have sleepovers as much because he gets night terrors which he thinks is a trauma response and he can’t sleep good unless he’s by himself. we had a whole conversation about it and i told him how i was feeling confused because this is very out of nowhere and i don’t understand why he didn’t say anything sooner and that i feel like he’s pushing me away. he apologized to me for not saying anything sooner and that he’s okay with me sleeping over every once in awhile but it just triggers his trauma and makes him feel like we are moving too fast and that he wants to sleep together when we live together. he also told me he needs some time to get back into things and that it’s for him and his mental health atp and how he’s really working on it.
i asked him if that means he doesn’t want to spend as much time together and he said in a way yes but he still wants to see me, go on dates and everything and we still have a lot to learn about each other. that he wants to take it slower until he finds a better job and gets his life in check. (for context he’s a server and only works 2-3 days a week)
he keeps reassuring me that he’s happy with me, he loves me and wants to be with me and that he’s not going anywhere. when i asked him how often could i see him bc i’d like it to be more than once a week he said we could try for 2 days. there’s a little more to it but should i calm down and trust him for now? i’m just worried this is the start of him slowly breaking things off.
Info: this is very important, are you one of his first relationships after his ex?
he’s seen other people before me after her but it was nothing serious to my understanding
If this is genuinely his first serious thing since his ex then this is very much a learning experience for him. At the start he may not have realized how things would be for him. There is no asshole in this situation in my opinion. This just a case of whether or not eachothers needs align and its ok if they don’t. This is still a new relationship and this is a big change to the dynamics. These could feelings that come and go for him or this can be how he needs his relationships to be there is no telling. But if he is having night terrors then i believe encouraging therapy may also be something whether or not you continue a romantic relationship.
I think he is giving your warning signs that yes, he is distancing himself from you, and you should believe him.
Going back on his meds is not a good sign.
You are not a mental health professional, you can not fix him, so I suggest you do take it slow with him.
And is the ex really out of the picture?
Take it slow. Protect yourself.
yes she is. with the things he’s told me how it went she is and from what i’ve found out she’s already moved on and seeing someone else
34(m)
1. Both of you are young and him being younger he’s not even settled into who he’s gonna become, if his previous relationship was “that bad” he should not be in a relationship.
2. You’re not responsible for him overcoming his insecurities or issues. Don’t try to play hero in a relationship it already seems like he’s not ready for.
3. 3 months in and he’s turning down spending more time with you its 1 of 2 things. 1. He’s not really focused on the relationship and is just using you as a stepping stone to get over w.e he’s dealing with. 2. He’s making you chase him in order to gauge your interest which it seems like he’s not interested in what im reading maybe he’s being honest but the old saying goes (if they wanted to the would)
4. Remember when you’re in a relationship the things you want matter, it took me a long time to learn that. I spent years ignoring my own feelings to make my partner happy I ended a 6 year relationship because I couldn’t take not feeling wanted anymore. Even though she said she did. Some advice
Find your love language the things that really matter to you and find someone who does those things with out ever having to ask. My current gf and I are coming up on a year and I couldn’t be happier. Effort works both ways dont get caught up in looking for reasons to stay when it seems so far he’s giving you every reason to leave.
I honestly hope this doesn’t break your heart, but he’s letting you go slowly, trying not to hurt your feelings. You both are so young! You deserve to be someone’s #1 no matter what’s going on. I could be wrong, but I’ve done this exact same thing to someone years and years ago and it just created more heartache for them. I really didn’t want them to feel like I didn’t care about them, but the worst part was that I still gave them hope when I wasn’t interested anymore. They were amazing, but not “my person”. I hope the best for you! You definitely deserve it 💖 don’t hang on to something that is falling 🫶🏻
NTA. It sounds like he’s got alot of work to do on himself. You’re 3 months in, I’d call it off if I were you.
Most likely, it’s exactly what he says it is. It might sound counterintuitive, but the less you act like you like someone, the more they want to be with you. I don’t mean act like you like him less. Just mean don’t act like you like him TOO much. Take it slowly since that’s what he asked for. If he didn’t want to be with you, you wouldn’t be. Since he said he does, believe him!
He’s a 21 year old boy who wants something casual it seems. I feel like a 21 male and 25female would be in two completely different stages of life….and brain development.
NTA.
I have lived with significant clinical depression and anxiety. It definitely affected my relationship, with long term implications years later.
It’s possible that he really is into you, but is dealing with personal challenges at a level that interferes with his ability to have a relationship. Think about what you want from a romantic partner – intimacy, time together, etc. Talk with him. Sometimes, no matter how much people love one another, they can’t meet one another’s needs in a relationship. If he can’t meet those needs for you, and vice versa, it’s okay to call it off.
I say this as someone who struggles with depression: he might change, but he might not. Or he might change for a while but go back to this due to other life events or situations. I think it’s worthwhile to assume that he’s sincere, but that still leaves you the question of whether *you* want to stay.
If he never becomes able to get a good night’s sleep with someone else in bed, are you ok with that? If he sometimes pulls back because of his depression, are you ok with that? There’s no wrong answer to these questions. It’s ok to say that you need things in a relationship that he currently can’t give you. And I don’t think you should stay in a relationship based on the hope that it changes. But these might be things you *can* be ok with. Some couples sleep separately. Some couples have a relationship where one of them needs to pull back sometimes, and it’s ok because there’s trust and understanding.
NAH
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