I am in my second year of university living in a two person flat, so it’s just me and my flatmate.
Ever since moving in with them they have just been getting on my nerves with small little things that i don’t agree with, i’ve talked a few of them up but after a couple of weeks they will go straight back to not caring.
Today i walked into the kitchen to see they had used some of my frying pans and kitchen utensils, they were cleaned up but i’d rather they not use them as i have contamination ocd which means i’d just rather keep my stuff to myself and not share, i also clean the kitchen a lot due to my ocd and i have to use cleaning wipes on handles to feel okay to use them or i will be constantly washing my hands, this is where i feel like the asshole as they don’t know about my ocd or anxiety over it due to me not being open about the mental health side of things. I have since re washed everything and put it away and i am thinking about talking to them as they didn’t buy it so why should they use it for a second time.
(I also fear that they are coddled by their parents so they feel like they can get away with things like this)
There has also been instances where they have used/eaten my food, this is mainly annoying as its cheese which is expensive in the UK and i buy a big block which sets you back £5 every time, they don’t chip in for groceries or go shopping themselves so im worried what they are actually eating but if they aren’t willing to go shopping properly due to their own problems, i have always offered to grab them things but its always snacks or drinks not proper food you can cook with. Due to us both being in university and moneys tight, we both mainly eat frozen foods so most of the stuff in the fridge is stuff i have bought and they think it is ‘ours’. (mainly cheese, salad bits and sauces)
Another tiny instance which annoyed me but is now resolved is that I had moisturiser and shaving cream in the bathroom, both quite expensive, i said they could try them out once and if they liked it then they could get their own or something similar, i found out they was still using it almost daily (mainly the moisturiser) thinking they could get away with using it. I just took it out of the bathroom and now keep all of my expensive products in my room due to not trusting them with my things.
Days later we went into the city for some small thing for the flat and they mentioned needing moisturiser as they ‘lost’ the one in the bathroom, meaning the one i had in the bathroom, and bought one similar to the one i had but a more budget version.
Also to do with the bathroom, they forced me to buy toilet roll as they had to ‘save for christmas’ despite them using almost a roll every two days, this annoyed me i pay for all the cleaning supply’s and wash pods as i’m allergic to some products.
Am I the asshole in this situation for not wanting to share my things due to my ocd, but i also feel like i buy and cook the most food in the house.
NTA, your roommates should respect your wishes with food and soap, we live in expensive times. If they can’t understand that then you should look for new roommates.
If you want to improve yourself for living situation, disclosing stuff about mental health can be tough but can help people realize the context of why things are important to you.
For the pans, I would be concerned that there is not enough room for them to buy their own supplies (unlikely based on other info), if you take up too much cabinet space and then tell them they can’t use it, that is not fair.
ESH.
These are all pretty standard roommate issues. Any two people on limited budgets are going to have different priorities. Even siblings who grow up in the same household can have very different ideas about cleanliness. Etc.
Your roommate is an AH for taking your food and other products without paying their share, and for not cleaning dishes properly. But you are an AH for getting upset about this stuff and not telling your roommate what’s up. They can’t accommodate your OCD if they don’t know about it.
You need to have a calm, straightforward sit-down conversation about what is acceptable and what is not. If they use your dishes, they need to CLEAN them. If they eat your cheese, they need to chip in. Etc.
You can also decide to live alone, if you can afford it. But better that you learn how to live with others and navigate life’s little disputes.
I once moved with and moved out the next day
You’re not the asshole for wanting them to not use your things. But, since you can’t control other people, only yourself, you should get yourself a mini fridge for your room. Also keep EVERYTHING in your room as well. Bring it out when you need it (including toilet paper), then put back in your room. Yes, it’ll be a little bit of a pain in the butt. But, you won’t have to worry about them using your stuff anymore!
Not communicating your OCD is the problem. You can’t expect others to understand, if you do not give them the information.
No one is the A-hole here, but you have OCD and you need your own space. You should also be in therapy and taking appropriate medication to mitigate the effect on you of the OCD.
have you communicated any of this to the roommate?
Gentle YTA. It sounds like you may have some needs and expectations that your roommate was not aware of before you moved in together. Could you write a clear list of the behavior that you need from your roommate in order to live comfortably? Be honest.
It sounds like you do not want them to use your cooking utensils, eat your food, or use your personal products like moisturizer. Please make these things very clear. Consider keeping personal products in your room.
The expectation that your roommate will not use your pans or other cooking utensils is a tough one. These are more expensive purchases, and there may not be enough space to have two of each. That might require more discussion to find a solution that you can both live with.
Good luck, I hope you find a plan that allows you to live together peacefully!
ESH. You all need to communicate much better.
You’re not an asshole, but you DO need to communicate that you have OCD to your roommate, otherwise they will not know how to properly support you, including not treating your kitchen equipment as shared household equipment. I’ve had lots of roommates in the past, and pots, pans, and plates were treated as communal as long as everyone was doing their dishes, so that might be something you have to go out of your way to communicate you’re not comfortable with. Your roommate eating your food is weirder, and using your products is obviously unacceptable, but you’re still going to have to actually say something about it. And if you’re anything like me, you may be tempted to address this very passively, like “Hey so just like a quick little thing, not a big deal but just something that like, occurred to me just now,” don’t be like me. Be calm, respectful, nice, but treat it like it’s a big deal. Otherwise your roommate won’t.
Having contamination OCD and moving in with a stranger is risky at best.
Some things are normally shared, like one doesn’t have 2 sets of pots. But the rest are just boundaries. If they eat your food, use your products and not show courtesy than best move elsewhere.
In the meantime bring your bath products back and forth to your room like a dorm.
Put your food in a container on the fridge and pantry so it is clearly separated.
ESH: The roommate shouldn’t be using your stuff but you can not blame them for using your pots and pans if they don’t know about your OCD. Be an adult and talk to them about all of this.