My stepmother and I have had a fraught relationship ever since I reconnected with my father (we hadn’t spoken for 13 years and reconnected, so I moved in with them for a year) during my initial stay with them there were multiple instances in which I neglected to keep the cleanliness of the house to her standards. This brought a lot of resentment; and she started treating me different (addressing my dad instead of me when she wanted to tell me something, or somewhat acting like I’m not there.) We had multiple conversations on the subject, and I believed that we had reached a point of understanding and civility.
However, I recently lost my place and had to temporarily stay with them again. During this stay i have done the dishes and said thank you to all her meals and all the stuff I could to keep things civil. But one day, I noticed that she did dishes and left all of what I had used in the sink. This struk me as odd since I always do all the dishes regardless of who’s they are; so I asked her why she left all mine in the sink. She then understandably exploded, saying that she’s not my maid and that she didn’t have to do my dishes. I recognize that I shouldn’t have asked since I knew the answer, but it just came out. I also messed up by asking if my brother was visiting, she wouldn’t have left them there. Anyway, my dad kinda defended me because she reacted very aggressively, but is now saying I had no need to stir the pot like that and I should apologize. I think I should, but i also think I’m justified in feeling like crap because of how she treats me. Am I the asshole?
Are you paying anything to stay there? Covering groceries, at least your own? Anything like that?
Why didn’t you do your dishes so she didn’t have to?
A short term visitor is different than someone who is living there, presumably rent free. You should be doing everything you can to make her life easier, including cooking for the family and cleaning communal spaces, extra chores, etc
Step-mom doesn’t want you there. Apologize & keep your head down until you can afford to move out. Don’t give step-mom reason to make your dad kick you out.
Just wash your own crap or move out. Like you’re living there rest free (I’m guessing) eating her food, while she is cleaning up after another adult. YTA
INFO, how old were you when the original conflict occured? and just how messy were you? was this a little kid forgetting to clean up their toys, or was this a 21-year-old who assumed that someone else would be doing all the cleaning for them?
Also, you mention doing the dishes… is that the only contribution you are making to the cleaning? or are you also helping with the sweeping, mopping, bathrooms, windows, etc. I’d also like to know how long you have been there. There’s a big difference between a few weeks, and a year with no end in sight.
That’s great you’re cleaning the dishes now, even the ones you don’t use, but….
> during my initial stay with them there were multiple instances in which I neglected to keep the cleanliness of the house to her standards
You know why she didn’t clean yours – she’s didn’t want history repeating. YTA.
Jeebus, YTA. This woman is letting you stay with her despite that you are not on the best of terms, and you are continuing to be a slob.
Yup and likely causing arguments between dad and step mom
It sucks but if you’re an adult living with them for free then just wash your own stuff and keep it moving. No one has the obligation to wash your dishes but you in this scenario.
YTA you should be offering to do ALL the dishes everyday. You are staying in their home for free. Why are your dishes in the sink AT ALL? Why aren’t you immediately washing them? What exactly are you doing that is so pressing that you don’t clean up after yourself?
YTA. You moved into HER home, why is she still doing dishes?? You are the beggar here living at the largesse of others, the least you could do is make their lives easier. Do ALL the chores. Do them without asking. Don’t exist like a guest. They are doing you a favor.
I’m not surprised she’s annoyed having to pick up after you. She left your dishes out as a hint that you should be cleaning up after yourself, and instead you wanted to get offended and confrontational about it. Worse, you get her husband to gang up against her. In her own house.
MIssy, you have no leg to stand on. Your feelings don’t matter here. Do what you gotta do then get out of there and live on your own so you don’t have to grin and bear it anymore. Adulting is hard, but here we are.
YTA
You’re crashing in their house. Clean up your own shit, she’s not your maid
Your dad is right. Apologize.
You were a little bit the asshole, but so was she. This is probably about something else that you can figure out.
I cannot believe the level entitlement it takes to leave your dishes in the sink and then interrogate owner of the house for not cleaning them for you. the fact that you’re even asking AITA is blowing my mind. YTA! do your own darn dishes!