I (23F) am in an argument with a close friend (23M) (he is gay so this isn’t anything to do romantically) about effort in our friendship, and I’m conflicted about whether I’m being unfair.
We’ve been close about 8 years, though mostly long distance. recently, we’ve been living in the same city. We talk on the phone 2-3x week and see each other at least once a week, mostly in group settings that I invite him to. From my pov, that already felt like a lot of contact with one person, so I didn’t realize he felt I wasn’t putting in enough effort, especially when it came to hanging out with his friends or initiating one-on-one plans.
When he told me that, I could see his point and agreed that I could be more proactive about initiating one-on-one time going forward.
What bothered me was how the conversation was framed. He opened by saying that he prioritizes my plans, and rearranges his schedule for things that matter to me, and that I should be doing the same for him. I’m open to being more proactive but I don’t see canceling existing commitments last minute as the baseline way to show care. I tend to plan my time in advance, and wont cancel plans for him.
He has brought up past examples of times he adjusted his schedule for me as proof of his effort. However, I’ve never asked him to do that, and I don’t expect it from him. When those examples are brought up, it starts to feel like a transactional comparison, where his sacrifices are being used as a standard I’m expected to match.
I also tplan my socializing weeks ahead. He often make plans more last minute, and when I already have a prior commitment, he feels hurt and interprets that as me not caring enough. He has brought up several past situations as evidence, including times i was sick, had exams, family obligations, or existing plans. He says he isn’t keeping score, but these situations continue to be referenced, and when I explain my reasons, he says they sound like excuses.
I’ve tried to explain that effort looks different for different people. I also already talk to him frequently and spend time together in groups, which feels like meaningful effort to me. I’m willing to adjust and initiate more one-on-one plans, but I also told him that I can’t sustain the same level of last-minute flexibility or sacrifice that works for him, and that expectations may need to be readjusted.
He insists that this is “just about making plans,” but it feels like the underlying expectation is that effort should look the same for both of us, including being willing to cancel existing commitments. we’re just going in circles because i feel like he just wants me to apologize, but he cant accept that sometimes you can be hurt by a situation, and dont need to blame someone for it, and i dont want to accept blame because i dont think im in the wrong for not wanting to "make sacrifices" to prove i care.
AITA ?[](https://www.reddit.com/submit/?source_id=t3_1qrbpoj)
I mean, just because he is more the type to make plans last minute doesn’t mean that you are obligated to accommodate that when you have preexisting plans. NTA. It sounds like you guys aren’t on the same page, though. You’d have to find a compromise in order for this to be sustainable
Yup, agreed. And I’m willing to be more proactive. It just feels like he wants me to accept “blame” and match only his standard of what effort in a friendship looks like, which I don’t think is a fair expectation.
Yeah no, that’s not fair. A friendship needs balance. It’s not his way or the highway. That’s unreasonable. Does he socialize much with anyone else? Maybe he’s relying too much on you for socialization
He does have other friends, but I think part of his argument is he thinks I don’t hang out with his friends enough either lol, while he hangs out with my friends (which again seems like an odd comparison to me because my friends are actually also his friends who he hangs out with outside of me!). And I do agree that I don’t go for a lot of things he invites me to, but it’s mostly because they’re super last minute plans, or because they’re plans that always involve drinking lol, and I don’t want to drink thrice a week. I think he wants me to be part of his “ecosystem” which just feels unsustainable to me because we are adults with separate lives and that should be okay!
NTA. He’s exhausting. A friendship is not a balance sheet and should not be this difficult to maintain. Maybe he needs a puppy.
NTA. He is being unrealistic. If you already have plans, you already have plans. If he feels that he shouldn’t be rescheduling around your plans, he can just stop.
You and he have different ways of socializing – he is spur-of-the-moment and you are not.
Maybe you can tell him that you would like to set aside one-on-one time with him on a weekly or monthly basis. That would show that you care about spending time with him, while meeting your need for planning.
NTA start planning one on one plans in advance so it fits in your schedule.
NTA- sounds like he is making it transactional. He also sounds like he has low self esteem and trying to make you responsible for his feelings, which is not your job. He is choosing to reschedule his plans, etc. and expecting you to match that? hard pass.
NTA. Not cancelling plans doesn’t mean you don’t care about him. Just plan the 1:1 meetings in advance and if he brings it up say you are prioritising him by making time for him in your busy schedule.
> From my pov, that already felt like a lot of contact with one person, …
But then:
> When he told me that, I could see his point and agreed
To thine ownself be true.
This all spirals the moment you deny your truth that actually, this is already sufficient contact
ESH.
NTA.
So, to mention:
– friend keeps tide scores of all the effort he makes for the friendship;
– he goes out of his way without request to score more points;
– friend also keeps scores of all the times you “failed” the friendship by not matching his efforts.
Basically, he sees this as a competition. Who sacrifices the most and shows the most care. This is important to notice because it means that, if you increase your efforts, he’ll increase his and will still “win”. Without proper confrontation, nothing you do will be enough, and the cycle will continue.
You are NTA.
I think there might be a few things to consider here though. It’s entirely possible that he’s a needy, self-centered person. But also keep in mind that men typically have many fewer close relationships and often struggle with connection. Coupled with the fact that he’s gay, and might have lost people from his life, or that his homosexuality might be an additional boundary that makes it more difficult to find those connections, he might just be overly relying on you and “his person”.
You are, of course, not required to bend to his whim, or unreasonably shoulder his emotional burden or need for connection. You can/should maintain emotional boundaries of your own; but that might just be a little of what is going on.
NTA. I would suggest that you offer two days each month as scheduled days for one on one time. If he misses those days due to his spontaneity, at least you made the time available.
NTA
Don’t apologize, there is no blame here.