I had to use an alt account because my friend follows my other one, so here we go. To explain, I, Paul (26m) met my friend Amber (24f) in my freshman year of college. We bonded over the fact that we both loved watching Starkid Productions (which is and EXTREMELY rare type of person to find from my personal experience) and have stayed friends ever since. During my sophomore year, I came out to her as gay because she was the only person I trusted with that information. She supported me full-heartedly in my coming out, and told me if anyone ever denied me, she’d beat them up and make them accept me, which was pretty extreme. That should have been my first sign.
I started dating a guy named Greg last year, and we’re happily together. He’s the first person I’ve ever dated who actually gets me, and I’m excited to continue life with him. The only issue is Amber. We’ve been roommates since we graduated, just because neither of us could afford to pay full rent and we couldn’t find any jobs. Ever since I came out, she’s been closer to me, which I suppose is because I’ve showed I trust her, however it’s gotten to the point that everything I do is "cute" to her. My relationship is "cute" to the point where any time I sit in the vicinity of where he’s sitting, it’s an immediate "awww" or "you guys are too cute!" I normally wouldn’t have a problem with this, but we’ve been dating for nearly a year, and she hasn’t stopped doing it. Greg’s been getting extremely annoyed with it, too, because he describes it as nearly "f\*tishization" of our relationship. Anything we do together is "cute." To explain why Greg is at our house all the time is because he currently lives in a sketchy neighborhood that’s not the ideal place for us to sleep and spend time together, so my apartment works better, however, Amber’s there, which means anytime I hang out with him at our house, she’s there. I’ve tried giving her money to go out and eat at a restaurant by herself, and I’ve even gone out with Greg, but she always finds a way to manipulate the situation to make me look like I don’t care about her. I do, however, I don’t appreciate what she’s doing. I’ve even taken the grace to lay out specific boundaries.
Yesterday, I took Greg to a local park, and I explicitly told Amber that it was a moment for only the two of us to bond. I shouldn’t have told her where we were going because she ended up following us and intruding on us. At that point, I had had enough, and I yelled at her. Luckily, not a lot of people were nearby, but my boyfriend was startled after I said what I had to say. I told her to "f off and leave us alone, because you’re being a creep," to which she responded, "I’m just trying to be a good friend, geez. Lay off it." I feel bad looking back, because she is technically my roommate, but I feel like she crossed the line. I’ll give an update to what happens next in a couple of days.
NTA this is way beyond liking your relationship or thinking it’s cute. she literally will not leave you guys alone to the point she FOLLOWED you
INFO: I’m a bit confused about the “cute” thing, that seems like a normal thing to tell your friend who are dating someone “you guys are so cute”
Have you tried talking to her previously about calling your relationship “cute” if it was excessive and bothering you?
Sometimes it carries a different nuance for gay relationships, as straight women tend to fetishize gay men. This includes calling them cute, adorable, obsessing over them, etc.
Tell them it’s cute, sure, but not every minute haha… they’ve been together for a year and OP says she does it all the time. I’d be incredibly uncomfortable. It’s either fetishization, or she’s homophobic but feels guilty about it, so she’s massively overcompensating.
That was the reason for the question, for OP to clarify how often she does it and if OP tried talking to her about it previously.
ESH have you tried actually having a conversation with her about it? You’re entitled to your feelings of course but a little communication could resolve this issue with ease. Honestly it sounds to me like she just really cares about you finding your person, but the park thing is kinda weird on her part I’ll give you that
Wholly agree.
Even her response seems like she was okay with it if they specifically asked her not to come with. I get the part about stating that it was a private moment, but maybe she doesn’t have other connections, wanted to go to the park as well and seized the opportunity or just wanted to go because she felt alone or invited (somehow).’
Still, the patronizing attitude towards OP and his partner’s interactions seem weird to a certain degree that I would say border on fetishization as well, like those girls that get their rocks off seeing guys being tender together.
NTA. She isnt just supportive, shes crossing into weird territory and ignoring clear boundaries. Following you to the park is unhinged behavior. Support doesnt mean inserting yourself into someones relationship like its a fandom. You snapping was overdue.
And I’m guessing Amber is actually 24F rather than 24M because you’re using “she”…. Or is she transitioning? I’m not trying to nit-pik, but if there’s another layer here, it would be important.
Yeah, that’s supposed to be 24f. Thanks for that catch
Imo it feels like she is fetishising your relationship (which, in my experience, is not unusual for starkid fans. I guess they must think it’s being supportive) but you should have spoken to her about it instead of shouting at her after a year. however, she did follow you guys on a date so NTA for this specific instance.
Learn how to communicate better.
INFO: I have yet to see anywhere that you sat her down and told her you’re not comfortable with her finding you cute for the reason that it feels fetishizing. You said you laid out boundaries but not what those were and if she’s honouring them. Can you elaborate on what was actually talked about between Amber and you?
No opinion on who’s the AH but you state your boyfriend was startled. To be honest, if I (f) had a boyfriend who talked to his roommate like that I would be reconsidering the relationship because to me that’s over-the-top rude and unnecessary. If my boyfriend couldn’t have a proper talk with his roommate and had to resort to cussing him/her out, that’s a red flag.