Hi Reddit. I’m struggling with a situation involving my best friend Sarah and her boyfriend Mike.
Sarah and Mike have been dating for about six months. I’ve known Sarah for years and I care about her a lot. Over time I noticed some behaviors from Mike that made me uncomfortable. For example, he can be controlling in small ways. He questions her plans a lot and sometimes makes dismissive comments about her friends. I’ve also noticed him being dishonest about minor things which made me question his reliability.
I tried to keep these concerns to myself at first because I didn’t want to interfere in her relationship. I also tried talking to Sarah about a few things, but she seemed to dismiss my concerns.
Recently, I spoke directly to Mike and told him that I don’t trust him and that, in my opinion, he shouldn’t be dating Sarah. I was trying to express my concerns honestly, but I realize now that it may have been overstepping boundaries.
Sarah found out what I said and was hurt and upset. She told me that it’s her decision who she dates and that I shouldn’t try to control her relationships. I understand her point, but I also feel like I was trying to protect someone I care about.
I feel torn because I don’t want to damage my friendship or cause conflict, but I also wanted to express my perspective before it escalates further. AITA?
EDIT: I’m a 25F. My best friend is 25F and her boyfriend is 27M.
YTA
You already expressed your concerns are were told to butt out. You crossed a huge line by going to your friend’s bf to try to get him to dump her. I don’t know if he’s controlling, but you definitely are.
YTA. You should have brought these concerns up to SARAH, not the person she’s dating and then shut your mouth if she didn’t listen
Way to tip your hand
You have no fucking say in this. None.
YTA. You went behind her back. You’re allowed to mention your concerns once or twice TO YOUR FRIEND. After that, it’s not up to you.
tbh, this post makes you seem just as controlling as her bf.
YTA
You told a guy that you think is controlling that he shouldn’t be dating the person he’s dating because you’ve noticed he’s controlling?!?
What exactly did you expect to happen here???
Yes! You need to go away
Big fat YTA. She’s your friend not your kid
YTA.
I understand you were concerned and you attempted to talk to Sarah but you overstepped by talking to Mike, as he is not your friend. she dismissed your concerns so now you just step aside and let things play out. This is where you choose to be there for her during her hard times or you call it quits and say it’s her problem and you don’t want to be involved when you tried to warn her.
YTA. The absolute irony of you complaining about Mike being controlling while you try and control Sarah’s dating life.
YTA. You should have kept on discussing with your friend. You went around her trust, behind her back. Basically, you are what you accuse the BF of – being controlling and untrustworthy.
YTA. You are the one that is controlling. You see your friend happy with someone and probably miss hanging out with her as much and are jealous.
You are giving your opinion when it isn’t asked for and are trying to break up your ‘crush’ sorry, friend and her boyfriend.
YTA. You complain about him being controlling..you said you talked to her and she wasn’t concerned so then you went over her head..hey you’re literally trying to control who she dates. And you’re being very dismissive of her relationship. You’re the epitome of what you’re complaining about in this guy..
YTA, which you’ve heard from the rest, but I’ll also add that another reason not to have approached it this way is this strategy was guaranteed to backfire.
Let’s say you’re right, that Mike is bad news and controlling. By approaching it this way, not only does Mike now have actual reason to say he doesn’t like Sarah’s friends and they’re out to get him, Sarah is more likely to be convinced by this. Before, you expressing to Sarah that you’re worried for her and you think Mike might be trying to control her might have made her think about Mike’s behavior, even if she seemed to dismiss your concerns. Now Mike gets to say “who’s actually trying to control you here? Me or your friend who went behind your back to try to get me to dump you?”
Also, think about it like this: how many times in media has there been a plot device where a disapproving relative or friend has offered money or some other incentive, if not outright threaten, one character to break up with the other. How often does that result in the two characters breaking up? Instead it usually results in them staying together partially to spite the person trying to break them up. That’s what’s going to happen here.