Me and my dad got into an argument recently because I never make any effort to see his grandmother or my aunt and their kids. I’ve had built up resentment for them since I was a child, because I always thought that they thought they were better than my family. They have 3 cars, a fully renovated house with a loft conversion that they paid for, while me and my dad live in an old house that’s quite untidy and it’s not very well looked after. They never struggle with money and can afford to go on holidays abroad 3 times a year, whereas my dad has always struggled to make ends meet. Whenever I see them on holidays such as Christmas, I constantly feel judged and beforehand I make an effort to try and look presentable so that they don’t think I’m messy and untidy. They still buy me gifts for Christmas and my birthday even though I rarely make an effort to see them, which makes me feel like I’m the asshole.
When I was a kid they used to take me on family holidays and I was quite close with my cousin. As soon as I got to a teenager this all stopped. I always felt like my younger cousin was favourited by my grandmother and I always felt like the odd one out whenever I went on trips with them. I don’t know whether this hatred is fully internalised, but I’ve always felt this way and I do whatever I can to avoid spending time with them. I’ve seen the way they speak about my other family members such as my mother, and it makes me wonder what they say about me when I’m not there. There has been times where I’ve heard about stuff they’ve said behind my back, which is another reason why I don’t want to spend time with them because I feel like I’m being judged the entire time. Every time I go to see them and they keep asking me questions about how I’m doing, I feel like they’re digging for stuff to talk shit about me to eachother when I leave. I’ve also heard about how my grandmother treated my sister when she was younger, which was basically the same situation, where she favourited my older brother. My sister has since made an effort to rebuild a relationship with them as she also had built up resentment towards them for a long time.
I’m not sure if my feelings towards them is because of what my parents and siblings have said about them, they’ve always said stuff like “they think they’re better than us” and it’s always caused me to have negative feelings towards them and be on edge whenever I’m around them.
The funny thing is, if you expect people to dislike you, they probably will. If you respect yourself enough that you can believe (or fake it) that they’ll respect you/like you—and you treat them kindly with respect—you have a good chance that good people will like you.
They likely have money because the parents worked hard AND were lucky. If they’re good people, they’ll realize that part of the reason is luck and not expect everyone to be the same. It’s not unusual to grow apart as teenagers, friends start to become more important.
Assume the best, but be prepared to not expect much if it isn’t. Good luck
“I really appreciate you taking the time to break that down. It helps put things into perspective and gives me a clearer way to approach relationships.”
YOU think they think badly of you but have no proof of that. They show interest in you, buy you gifts, and have taken you on vacation. You are projecting your low self esteem onto others. And sounds like you are jealous that they have more $. YTA
Have you ever said thank you for the vacations and gifts they’ve sent you? Did you show any appreciation at all when they included you when you were younger? If you haven’t, that’s probably why you haven’t been included in vacations anymore. And without realizing it, you might have come off as ungrateful and jealous when they took you out and spent money on you. Just because they have money, doesn’t mean they didn’t work hard to earn it. It’s easy to become resentful for what others have and you don’t. It sounds like your parents and siblings are also resentful and jealous. There’s always going to be people who have more than you and its not fair to resent them for their hard work and success. If I were you, I’d send them a letter thanking them for including you when they didn’t have to and for everything they’ve given you. That you’ve come to the realization that you’ve been ungrateful and rude and they didn’t deserve that.
You need to let go of these negative emotions and they’ll do more harm to you than good. Negative emotions breed more negativity and anger. It just grows if you don’t put things in perspective. People who have less will always think that those that have more “will think they’re better than us.” Let the anger go and you might see that they’re good people who just want to have a relationship with you.