Recently, a friend of many of my friends was in an accident that left them in the hospital (I’ll refer to them as Morgan). It was pretty intense, but treatment/recovery looks to be progressing positively and a lot of my friends are visiting them, even with limited visitation only allowing two at a time.
I don’t know Morgan well. I’ve only met them in person a few times, and we don’t talk unless facilitated by mutual friends (many of whom I’m also only familiar with through about two very close friends.) I’m anxious and not super social, so I only ever interact with new people through people I’m familiar with. I care for them because people I care about care for them, and they’re good to people I love, and I feel awful they’ve been in this accident.
I tend to have a hard time expressing my emotions outwardly during times like this (even when it’s related to family), and often worry about coming across as unfeeling despite expressing sympathies and support. I’ve been doing my best to be there for my friends who are emotionally impacted by this more directly, but I’ve always had a hard time myself with more directly approaching the emergency and the person involved. When it comes to supporting my friends through this, I can manage well enough to be a comfort to them in the ways I know how.
Where I have started to feel like an asshole is when a close friend of mine, who is also very close to Morgan, asked if I planned to visit. I said I wasn’t sure and explained the best I could. I said I was worried about going because of several reasons. I was worried I wouldn’t be much comfort because we aren’t super well acquainted, I didn’t want to take up the limited opportunity to visit due to the part of the hospital they’re in, and (due to the way I react to medical emergencies and hospitals) I was worried I would shut down and be completely at a loss for words. It felt like I’d be stranger walking in and then I’d be unable to provide comfort in the way their closer friends would be able to.
I also said that it wasn’t totally off the table, and if they get transferred somewhere where more than two visitors can come by (which is very likely soon), then I would love to visit if there were some of our mutual friends there to help ground me and lead the visit a bit. I just felt I’d be a bit lost if it was just me and one other person visiting. I think this friend took that ok.
I think the question of if I’m an asshole comes up because I feel like I should just buck up and be there for someone who is struggling, I just don’t know if I’m well equipped to handle it when I don’t know them very personally. I think waiting until our mutual friends can come along with me is a good balance because then they can lead the visit and I can better comfort and be a positive presence while they help facilitate the connection and make the environment a bit less intimate. But I worry I’m taking the easy way out or something.
I would wait for your friend if that doesn’t happen maybe send her a card if you barely know her it’s nice but also awkward
Could you send Morgan some flowers and/or a card? That’s a nice way to let Morgan know you care without imposing on the visitor rule or making yourself anxious.
nta.
NTA
I am an awkward turtle, and I would feel exactly the same as you. I usually get around situations like this by being a tag along in a group so I can show my support, but not have to bear the brunt of the social aspects.
That being said, I was in the hospital last year in a bad way. I got a few visitors, but something that moved me was my most socially awkward friend – whom at that point I thought was a lost friend, visited me. It was awkward as hell, but I knew the sort of person that he was, and I knew the effort it cost him to be there, and it hit me really hard that I was still valued by him and his out of the norm actions showed that.
I think whatever you chose will be the right answer.
NTA for many reasons.
You aren’t that close to this person.
They won’t be expecting you to visit.
They’re in recovery mode and having visitors is really draining.
Not everyone likes to have visitors while in hospital.
NTA. We all have what we are capable of giving, and we cannot be expected to do everything for everyone. You’re not good in this situation, and that’s fine, that’s what having other friends is for. Finding some other way to send support and love in your own way is going to be a lot more authentic and genuine than trying to show up in a very specific way that may not be necessary.
NTA! Also I think you’re over thinking this and worrying yourself crazy when you really don’t have to.
NTA, send a card and some flowers.
I’m liking the card idea that others have suggested. She may keep the cards and look at them later from time to time and that’s a plus—especially if you include some words of your own.
I know people don’t like to necessarily buy things at Target but that’s my “go to” place for cards. Target has some $$ cards that are lovely for $10 to $13 but they are worth keeping. I can’t remember the brand.
OP, I don’t think this acquaintance expects you to visit them now. At least it doesn’t sound like it.
NTA.
But if it were me, I take the opportunity to push myself out of my comfort zone and show support to my friends. It doesn’t have to be about the person who was in the accident, you can see it as an opportunity to be there for the friends you are closer to because they need support too.
Having been in the hospital for 2 planned surgeries, 2 unplanned occurrences and several ER visits that lasted overnight- the last thing I wanted was visitors – I felt and looked like death warmed over and when you are in pain you really don’t feel like being social, really did not even want family there. So don’t worry about visiting in person, have a card and some simple flowers delivered – lets them know you are concerned for them without a bunch of social awkwardness
Normal asf it’s so scary idk what hospitals are like in America but in Vancouver there is overcrowding here so they have people in the hallways I try to either look up or look at my phone while I walk in the halls & in the room I try to act normal as possible & offer to put a curtain so we have privacy if it’s a shared room