So I (28M) got engaged to my fiancee (26F) about six months ago and we have been planning our wedding for the past three months. From the very beginning we both agreed that we wanted something small and intimate with just close friends and immediate family only. We were thinking of a maximum of fifty people. Our budget was a huge factor in this decision because we are paying for most of the wedding ourselves and we are really scraping by as it is.
Last week my fiancee told me something that really shocked me. She said she has been talking to her mother and they have decided that they cannot possibly have a wedding without inviting her entire extended family. We are talking about over one hundred extra people. This includes second cousins family friends from their hometown and even her uncle s new wife s kids. She says it would be deeply disrespectful not to include them especially since some of them helped pay for her cousin s wedding last year.
I reminded her of our original agreement and I also reminded her about our very tight budget. The venue we have already booked literally cannot hold more than seventy people safely. She got really upset and accused me of being selfish and said I do not understand her culture. Now she is saying that if we do not invite all these people she will call off the wedding because it will not feel like her day.
I love her but I feel like this is a massive bait and switch. We planned everything together and we made compromises and now she is changing all the rules because of pressure from her family. I told her I am willing to add maybe five or ten more people if we cut costs somewhere else but I cannot possibly add over one hundred people.
AITA for holding firm on our original plan?
Time to stick to tradition as cultures dictate, and the bride’s family pays for it all.
NTA. She needs to be realistic. Ask her how would she accommodate all those people with your current existing budget? If her response is to borrow money/loan/adjust the budget, that’s a major issue. Being married is important, yes, but it won’t be the only thing you guys would be paying for as a couple in the future.
NTA. She’s being TA just for threatening to call off the wedding. You should let her, and be glad you dodged a bullet.
When you remind her of an agreement, she calls you selfish. Have fun with the rest of your married life. NTA.
Oof. I’m so sorry.
You’re definitely NTA but this isn’t going to bode well for a strong foundation for a happy and healthy marriage.
You’re correct – this is a bait and switch. A “kick the can down the road until you’re fully invested (vendors/contracts) and can’t back out.” Also, the fact she is so easily swayed and pressured by her mom is a glimpse into your future for every major life decision (house, job offers, money, future kids).
The biggest red flag is she is not willing to have an emotionally intelligent conversation and compromise with you.
I’m a wedding planner and my motto is “don’t negotiate with emotional terrorists.”
It will be cheaper to back out now than get a divorce in three years.
Boy, run for your life. She obviously care more about appearances than keeping her words. That’s a huge red flag. What’s next? You can’t be in the delivery room, because of your mil? Yeah. No.
I’m trying to figure out why some of her family paying for her cousins wedding has anything to do with your wedding.
NTA
There’s TWO people getting married here. Her refusal to negotiate and insistence that it’s HER day is a huge red flag tbh.
NTA this dynamic will get worse throughout your entire marriage if you give in: The two of you agree on something. Her family pressures her to do something else. She tries to pressure you to change your mind to “keep the peace” with her parents, thereby destroying the peace in your marriage.
Her family will feel more entitled if you cave now. Your stance may not make her realize her family’s interference and her deference to them would a threat to your marriage. You should tell her you don’t want to cancel, but you want to press pause on the wedding. Try to point out how this issue is bigger than the wedding and how problematic this is for your relationship. Maybe go to a few couples counseling sessions.
ETA: don’t let her family give you money for the extra guests. That’s so not the issue.
NTA – but cancel the wedding & leave thsi woman – her mother will be controlling the rest of your life if you don’t. You STBW obviously can’t say no to her.
Let her call it off. Threats are manipulative. I suspect she succumbs easily to pressure from her family. NTA
NTA
If she’s going to let her mother railroad her and guilt trip her so easily you may want to rethink this
Just remember the resentment won’t go away once you are married and what’s to say if you have kids that mommy won’t suddenly decide how they are going to be raised?
She either stands up to her mother or the wedding is off
Call it off now. Just say ok no wedding. Bye.
NTA. But I would put this question to her: her culture remained exactly the same from when she made the original agreement to when she changed her mind. Clearly culture is not the problem. Ask her what changed.