For context my friend (F21) and her girlfriend (F19) live 3 hours away. Our other friend (F29) lives an hour away in the opposite direction. I moved in with my sister 4 months ago.
Living situation: Our stepfather is our landlord so more leniency on rent. My sister knew I was unemployed. I told her that I had been unemployed for several months with no job prospects despite sending out over 100 applications. (I love living in the US). She still insisted that I move in. I denied several times before taking her word that she wouldn’t be mad at me for not providing financial support for a few months as long as I kept up with pet care. I trusted I would have a grace period.
She was fired two months into me living there.
Since I am unemployed and not financially contributing I am basically a house wife. Laundry, dishes, dinner etc. and we split pet care. Her boyfriend lives out of state. She goes to visit him every other weekend so I am there to take care of her four cats and dog (I have 1 cat.) Since we have so many pets and they’re all monsters who will eat anything accessible, I do take dinner to her.
But I understand. I haven’t had the funds to contribute. In almost every way this is her house.
However, I really want to have Jessie, her girlfriend Vickie and our friend Cece over to celebrate Jessie’s birthday. My sister doesn’t approve.
She’s had people she trusts steal things before. Completely valid. 1000% understand her POV and what she is concerned about.
I offered solutions. She could be here when my friends were here. If she wanted to go, I offered a padlock on her bedroom door. I said that I would take complete financial responsibility if anyone took something.
I’ve stayed over at all of their places. They’ve stayed at my old apartment. Known Jessie for over 3 years now, Cece for 2, Vickie for 1. Jessie and Vickie dragged me to an Uber when my crossfaded ass didn’t want to leave a new year’s party. Cece sat with me when I was having one of the worst autistic meltdown of my life. I trust them
I got a new job so I will be able to contribute financially as well as with upkeep. I understand her concerns. I’m not sure that I’m in the right to ask.
We have communication issues. She was in an abusive relationship for 5 years. I’ve witnessed a few of their fights. "neighbors can hear the yelling" fights. "His kid is sobbing and I’m hugging him" fights. The way to communicate in that environment was screaming. She doesn’t have to do that with me. We’re both adults with mutual respect. I want to solve our issues, not have her scream at me about them. But that’s a story for another day.
I really want living with my sister to work out. I’ve kept my head down and tried to do what she asks and abide by her rules. I try to stick to my room and do the chores. She said I "hardly do anything" in the house but I’m not getting into that pain now.
Do you think this is unreasonable? I’m bouncing back and forth honestly.
edit: I realize I never mentioned how much my sister yells at me. It is quite often for things I don’t realize are as serious as they are. If you’d like an example: There’s a gas station down the street. She asked me to get her a soda from there. I had been out for a while and just got home so I didn’t want to go down to it. Yes I could have gotten it obviously. It wouldn’t have been a big deal. It was 10pm and I was in for the night. She blew up on me. I didn’t realize it was that serious. I said I’d go when I noticed she started getting genuinely upset and she denied it. It was too late. I am not at all trying to excuse my behavior; I am diagnosed autistic. When she says "You should have known" ….how? I’m not trying to say that she’s a bad person or anything. I just really want her to communicate with me. I can’t fix a problem if I don’t know it exists. I can’t change a behavior if I don’t know it’s bothering her.
I’m trying. I don’t know how to do better. I just don’t get some things and it’s hard to explain.
Respect her rules and her house.
You can skip a friend’s birthday if you do not have the funds to travel over to them or cannot host them in your accomodation.
I am completely fine with skipping the birthday. That’s not a big deal. Honestly the problem is that she will not talk to me. We can’t discuss this or any other issues. Or rules, or habits, or even our bills. She won’t give me a summary of our costs.
NAH. There’s growing pains when it comes to living with someone. The fact is that while the financial situation is coming into play in terms of your dynamics, when it comes down to the question of having people over the financial part is pretty much irrelevant.
What is relevant is the agreed upon household rules on guests. If one person wants there to be no guests, or no celebrations, or a limit on who can come, or veto power, or whatever the specific rule is to be, so long as it is applied to both people fairly then that’s the rule. Both people need to be comfortable in their place. While you might say it makes it uncomfortable to not have people over (fair) it is far more uncomfortable to have people in your living space when you do not want them there. That level of discomfort trumps your desire.
What you need to do is both sit down and stop acting like this is her place where you happen to live. Either you both live there with an equal say in the running of it or one of you should move. That’s just how it has to be.
Talk to her and ask her if there are any ways in which she would be comfortable with guests. Stop making suggestions for her to shoot down. That gives her power she isn’t due. Put her in the hot seat. Make her think of how to make this work.
I’ve tried to so many times. I’ve tried to sit down with her four separate times to talk about rules, duties, and bills. I don’t know why she refuses. I don’t even know what our bills look like because she won’t talk to me.
Out of all of this, very little is relevant.
The important pieces I’ve been able to sift out:
1) It’s sister’s place.
2) It’s a 21st birthday party (implying booze will be consumed, quite possibly in excess).
3) Sister said no. She does not want a party of people she doesn’t know in her house, especially after bad experiences in the past.
YTA if you keep pushing. Everyone can pitch in and you can get an AirBnB somewhere in the middle, or you can travel to one of your friends’ houses.
You guys need to flush out an actual agreement regarding guests and parties and such, but until that happens, you need to make alternate plans for the party.
I live in a town under 11k people. Airbnb is unfortunately not an option. Yes we need to do an agreement. She refuses to talk to me when I bring it up. When I tried to discuss it she yelled and shut it down. Do you have a way I can approach this so she doesn’t feel like the enemy?
NTA for wanting to celebrate, but I think you might be missing some clues here on what’s going on. Your sister was in an abusive relationship and also had some bad people who stole from her in the past. She retreated to her own apartment, and got several animals for companionship, which tells me she was worried about living alone. Then she told you to move in without any money, and you are her sibling. She trusts you and even if you get into sibling discord over the dishes or housework, she brought you into her home after experiencing bad situations. This is her safe place. She opened that up for you. You should not push her to accept other people into her safe space. You might see it as a simple get together with the girls, but she sees it as an invasion. Abuse can make people very insecure about their personal space. She might still be going through processing that time. Give her grace, and if you have a job now, maybe your friends can all go in on an air B&B for the birthday instead, or make different plans.
Air BNBs aren’t a thing where I live. Tiny town surrounded by tiny towns unfortunately. She had the pets before and during the relationship. I understand her trauma. I moved her out of their/his house multiple times. and I’d love to work with her about it if she didn’t scream the reasons at me. That’s the biggest thing. She has so many good points and has valid concerns but she yells them at me and doesn’t discuss them otherwise. We need to TALK to resolve things. I really want to work with her. I messaged her that we need to talk and she said “no we don’t.” I’ll provide transcripts if you are interested.
Info: you state your stepfather is your landlord (so leniency on rent) and it was your sister who repeatedly asked you to move in with her. That your sister’s issue with having your friends over to celebrate your friend’s birthday is due to people she trusted stealing her things and your solution to that was offering a padlock for her bedroom door.
Does that mean the house your sister has been renting is unfurnished except for her room?
We have furniture we inherited from our late grandmother and our sister donated. I have my own bed.