My friend, lets call her Doll (15), was posting a lot about the fact that she was struggling a lot with her mental health, to the point of I was genuinely scared for her. after talking with another friend that also has her vent account I thought it’d be a good idea to ask her brother to check on her and made the mistake of mentioning the vent account. he found it and for some reason got mad at her about it. when she asked if anyone had given him her account that same day i panicked and said I didn’t know. we were hanging out today and she mentioned that she hadn’t been talking with her brother and I had the chance to own up and admit that I was the one who had told him. I didn’t. I feel so guilty for trying to help and causing all these issues and lying, and I’m wondering if I screwed up here. AITA?
Yes and no.
No because If you were worried about her to that degree then you did the right thing trying to reach to someone who should have helped her.
Yes because ideally you’d want to tell someone who would try to understand or help and not judge them or lead with anger. At that point you should’ve have let her know it was you and that you were worried about her and offered to help. It will only be worse when she finds out later.
YTA-you need to tell her the truth.
If i found out you lied I wouldn’t trust you anymore.
(She might not trust you for telling in the first place.)
Just tell her. You didn’t seriously do it thinking she wouldn’t find out it was you right?
I didn’t do it thinking about anything like that, I did it out of concern and I lied out of panic, but yeah, I did the wrong thing in the situation, I’m going to tell her rn
NTA- you were genuinely concerned for her and asked her brother to look out for her however, you do need to tell her that it was you because if she finds out from someone else, she will be more mad than if she finds out from you. When you tell her, you should just be like “listen I’m sorry for exposing your account. I was just genuinely concerned for your well-being.”
I’m assuming since Doll is 15 you’re around the same age, so I’m not going to render a verdict and instead hope you can see this situation with a little more nuance. You saw your friend in distress and you wanted to help, that is an admirable goal and a good instinct to have. So many people brush off mental health concerns or view them as symptoms of some moral failure. As for how you went about trying to help her, it clearly didn’t help all that much. The thing about struggling with mental health as a teenager is that often your family exacerbates or is the direct cause of said difficulties. You relied on a framework that had been taught to you your whole life: family cares about one another, family helps family, family wants what’s best for you. Unfortunately that’s just not how the world works, and I’m sorry you had to learn that this way. Doll’s brother clearly isn’t capable of caring for her, or he wouldn’t have gotten mad at her for that and instead demonstrated compassion and patience. You have been told that when you see a friend having a hard time to tell a trusted adult, and you thought Doll’s brother was that adult. Once again this is a situation where you don’t have many options. Telling an adult, even someone who wasn’t her brother, could have some really bad consequences for Doll. It’s also worth noting that you can’t help her yourself, that you can’t give her everything she needs to deal with her mental health issues. Personally, my own bias says that you shouldn’t have shared her vent account with anyone because she needs that agency. Whether that’s actually going to end in a happy ending is completely unknown to me though. I think the best thing you could do is be honest with her. Wait until she’s calmed down, her brother stops blowing his top (but don’t wait too long) and sit her down. Tell her you told her brother, not because you wanted to expose her vent account, but just because you were worried about her. Let her know that you see now that was a mistake, you didn’t want to hurt her, and you want move forward being there for her in a way that honors her agency a little more. Understand this might cause her to not want to be your friend anymore, and that’s unfortunately a consequence of what happened. You’re clearly doing your best, and that’s all you can do. I’m wishing you and Doll and the rest of your friends the best of luck and all the love in the world, I hope things turn out better soon <3
She didn’t actually give the brother the account he found it, she slipped up and mentioned it the brother was AH who went.looking for it.
I didn’t see your comment but just said basically the exact same thing, down to the “<3” lol.
I wish families didn’t suck like this, but they unfortunately do 🙁
Nta
Soft yta- I hate to say that because it sounds like you were genuinely concerned for your friend.
Unfortunately, families and people in general sometimes don’t respond well to mental health issues and can often make it worse. I had a lot of struggles as a teen (and still as an adult) and my church and parents responded with anger. Instead of receiving help after an attempt at 16, I was punished.
**Edit to add- this was because I was extremely depressed for years, as I was sexually assaulted by an 18 year old when I was 12. The signs and symptoms were there for a long time, the punishment after my depression came to a breaking point was so hurtful.
The church kicked me out of the band, which at the time was something that I loved because I love playing music. My parents did get me a psychiatrist but refused to put me on medication and they also grounded me for 6 months.
I guess they were concerned for my safety, but keeping me from my friends and isolating me was really shitty. They acted upset and angry with me the whole time instead of being caring, and didn’t handle the situation well overall.
Anyway, sorry for going into all of that detail – I just say this to point out that even if you know their family, you might not know how they will respond and possibly make things worse at home, a place they can’t escape.
In the future, I would recommend reaching out to a neutral party for advice – maybe your own parents, an aunt or other family member of your friend that’s not in their home, or any trusted adult.
I think the key point really is an adult that can help assess the situation and help you navigate addressing this with your friend’s family if they really need to know.
Teenage diaries and similar outlets are super personal, and sometimes overly dramatic – to the writer, it can be a safe space to vent what might otherwise come across as alarming.
I do think it’s better safe than sorry to speak up if self-harm is mentioned, but in the future please try to ask for guidance from a neutral trusted adult before involving family that might make things worse.
I don’t think you necessarily did the wrong thing though, please don’t beat yourself up. I’m glad you are looking out for your friend and wish you both well <3
YTA, but a soft one. It’s okay to be concerned and it’s okay to ask a family member to check in on someone who needs a check. There’s no reason to hide that, so just tell her you were worried about her and asked her brother to check in with her, and mentioned the vent account. No big deal, you had no idea he’d be mad about what he saw there.