I feel like I am being unreasonable because I know his response will be like "seriously? you don’t even make this tiny effort to make things like I want them?" but it’s not about that at all. I love making efforts to make him happy, I mean, shit, I clean the house all by myself every week just so he doesn’t have to worry about that (we both work full-time, I just have a better schedule than he does, he clocks out at 7pm every week day and I at 5pm which means I always get home earlier and I just clean the house on fridays). We have the unspoken chores duties that is "I cook, he cleans the dishes." But a lot of times, I also clean the dishes as I am cooking to take that load off of him as well. I just like to make him happy with stuff like this. It’s less stuff he has to worry about and then we can just go relax together or go do our hobbies.
The thing that we bicker a lot about though and I HATE it is food. I just have this thing about food where I am very wary of eating healthy and nutritious. I wouldn’t label myself a vegetarian but I do follow a plant-based diet at home. And he’s been super on board with everything I eat, I cook plant-based and he, of course, eats.
And he always tells me if he likes the dish or if he absolutely hates it. And I take it into account, like he says he’s not fond of edamame so I stopped cooking edamame. He says he doesn’t like peas so I’ve never even cooked peas in the house ever. But I am very mindful of finding replacements that are just as nutritious, like brussel sprouts, that he really likes, or green beans that he adores, and cabbage and etc.
But more and more during our five years together he has been getting so much more demanding with food. He plays the "I let us eat plant-based at home" to basically demand and run through all the ingredients I use for a dish because when I try to say "hey, I’m cooking and doing my best and if you like the end result of the dish, what does it matter what ingredients I use?". But he shuts it completely down by saying "I am super accomodating by letting us eat your diet of plant-based, I ask for nothing, so you can’t even do this one thing I am asking of you?". Which just makes me feel bad and like I am stuck in this situation and really can’t say anything because I know I will sound ungrateful because he was accomodating by accepting my plant-based diet.
He has asked me to put potatoes in my vegetable soups (I never used to before) and I do that for him. But it’s never enough because all he wants IN the soup is potatoes, onions, leeks, NOTHING else. I always try and make soup more nutritious by adding some vegetables that mix well with what the base is (like if I am doing a spinach and chickpea soup, I know carrots and pumpkin will pair well with that, and if I am doing a watercress soup, I add cauliflower in the puree because you really cant taste it and it just ups the nutritious value. But he just loses his shit because I add cauliflower and not just potatoes… idk
You are not his mother! NTA
NTA- stop cooking for him, stop cleaning for him, start taking care of your own stuff only and let him know you feel burnt out and unappreciated. Tell him he’s welcome to eat what you cook or make himself a sandwich but you can’t listen to the constant criticism anymore
NTA.
And you wouldn’t be unreasonable for saying it imo
You are doing the majority of the domestic labor: cooking, most cleaning, and often dishes. You already accommodate his preferences extensively (removing ingredients, substituting vegetables, altering recipes).
Feels like he is exerting control over how you cook. His line of “I let us eat plant-based” is not compromise but feels much like It’s **leverage**. Imo that’s the key problem.
Accepting what you cook at home is not a favor that earns him veto power over your process lol. You are not running a restaurant, and he is not a customer. You are technically doing unpaid labor, repeatedly, and he’s responding with entitlement. The soup example makes this crystal clear.
My husband is a soap taster, so I can’t put in cilantro. That is a reasonable adjustment. If he doesn’t like your cooking when he is just “I want to eat less healthy” – HE CAN COOK FOR HIMSELF.
My husband in Nov took over cooking and he has actually said to me, “yeah ok, sometimes it’s annoying to try to figure out changing a recipe.” Him doing the cooking has changed his attitude in the best of ways.
you’re already doing all of the cleaning too wtf… NTA. Start nitpicking his lack of contribution to the chores
NTA
You’re bending over backwards to make things easy for him already. What is HE doing for YOU? Other than treating you like an errant employee?
What time do you each start work in the morning? I’d be interested to know if you’re working the same hours.
OP, you aren’t being unreasonable. You both eat your diet because you are doing all the cooking. Do you do the shopping as well? Compile the grocery list, meal plan, and meal prep?
You are doing an unreasonable amount of household work in comparison to your partner, who is not only not appreciating what you do, but is demanding you act as a person chef. If he wants something else, there’s nothing to stop him making it? You *can* have separate meals, you know–*if he makes one of them for himself.*
NTA. You shouldn’t have to work a full time second job as a personal assistant, cleaner, maid, and personal chef for free. Your partner is a jerk.
I wouldn’t be surprised if he isn’t actually working until 7pm and just tells her that.
NTA. What is going on with all these women who let themselves be shat on and treated like bangmaids because otherwise they’d ’feel bad’? Who raised you? What was your family dynamic like growing up that you think this is acceptable? Seriously, get the hell up off the floor and woman up. You’re annoying me.
Cook what you want. Make the occasional reasonable accommodation, but that’s it. His arms aren’t broken. He should be grateful he’s being fed. He doesn’t ‘let you’ eat a plant based diet at home. He’s joining you and you’re graciously accommodating him. If he doesn’t like it and would prefer to eat X or Y, he should make his own arrangements.
> I know his response will be like “seriously? you don’t even make this tiny effort to make things like I want them?”
And you respond that you make the massive effort of catering to him every day and he’s ungrateful. So, no, you will no longer be doing it. Seriously.
Thank you for this comment. I see a lot of these posts here on Reddit where women allow their partners to treat them like doormats (or worse) and even wonder if they (the women) are the assholes. I know toxic relationships are hard to leave behind but sometimes I have to abstain from commenting because I get mad at the lack of self respect a lot of women seem to have. Glad to hear that I’m not the only one, since I sometimes feel guilty about how irritated this makes me feel. I don’t want to victim blame but it can be frustrating to see how many women accept no/minimal effort and bad treatment from their partners. Also, letting men get away with bad/disrespectful/abusive behaviour makes it harder for all of us to hold them to a higher standard.
I wish I could upvote you 1000 times. I’ve noticed this behavior, along with 20 something women being just brutal to each other so much more lately. We are so frustrated (as well we should be) about the loss of women’s rights, yet we bow down to men and fight our sisters. Crazy. Ask yourself, would you want your daughter to be this way? Stand up for yourself. Find a self esteem.
He’s “letting” you cook plant-based?? Do you need his permission when you are the person doing the cooking? He’s very lucky to have someone cooking all his evening meals, especially someone who cares so much about his preferences. And yet, as you said it’s never good enough. Sounds pretty exhausting a d unhealthy to me.
As a recovering co-dependent person, I think you are being WAY more accommodating of him than you need to be. It sounds like because you get home two hours earlier than him each day you’ve designated yourself as the primary person doing all the domestic labor of upkeeping the home AND doing the cooking. And you’re letting him boss you around about meal ingredients?
Time to look more deeply as people pleasing tendencies because you’re sounding like a bit of a doormat. NTA.
He doesn’t *let* you eat plant-based at home. He eats what you cook and you cook plant-based. If he wants something else, he can cook it.
NTA
NTA but you’re delusional if you think cauliflower puree won’t change the taste of watercress soup.
He is a big boy who can cook for himself. But I promise when you add more ingredients to food, it does change the taste.