To start, I needed to escape from living with my dad and sister many years ago. I moved in with my boyfriend (now husband) in college ten years ago. They’re irresponsible, siphon money, and don’t take care of anything. My sister is a narcissist, and I have been in therapy for years.
I had a baby recently and I’m writing this post on 3 hours of sleep. I’m exhausted and burned out. I’m a working mom, my husband works too, and we’re still in survival mode.
Their neighbor’s house caught fire and burned to the ground. My dad and sister’s home was close – the siding melted, windows cracked, blinds melted, inside smells like smoke. No one was hurt. My dad and sister still have their belongings. Utilities are off and insurance companies are looking into everything. No clue how long this will take or what is going to happen.
However, my dad has tons of medical problems and equipment, and would need to stay on the main floor. There is nowhere for him to stay aside from the living room, our only common area, and this is where the baby spends most days. Baby is at an age where he will grab and chew on anything, including small parts for medical supplies.
My dad would need to use the bathroom on the main floor. He is not careful when he goes, to put it politely. He refuses to clean and has been extremely disorganized since I was born. Medically it’s different now, I can’t fault him for not being able to complete everyday tasks… My concern is the possibility of incontinence, and being around the baby is worrisome due to health concerns. As well as me needing to mother my own father on top of my son.
My sister and her cat have already been staying with us over the weekend. Dad is considered a displaced senior with medical necessities, so the hospital has taken him for now. They want him out soon.
My husband has a mild cat allergy so we can’t keep the cat in the house for long. My sister is disrespectful and rude. I’m used to ignoring her, but my husband is livid. She watched us put away groceries, I had to ask her to help with dishes after she ate a meal that I cooked, and she brought over my dad’s dirty laundry and didn’t do it because she went to an activity for fun. My husband is currently doing it while I’m at work, and I have to run it to my dad tonight in the hospital. She talks and talks without ever stopping. She is selfish and doesn’t think about anyone except herself.
My husband put his foot down, and I agreed. We spoke with my sister and gave her a two-week max that she could stay. She started to cry. This gives her plenty of time to work with the landlord (they rent) and the insurance to be placed into temporary housing.
I feel very, very guilty though. Been working on not people pleasing but I feel like this is different. But I can’t do this. I’m already at the end of my rope. I need to put my son first. I can’t do more than this. Two weeks is even difficult. AITAH?
NOPE! Two weeks max is more than generous. They’ll never leave. NTA
The home owners insurance should be setting up alternating housing while they are displaced.
NTA. It’s not your job to rehouse them, as is for the insurance company’s job and to charge next doors insurance as was their dues. Nothing you need to get involved in
Don’t step in
Send sister out (away) again before weekend and asap
They will get rehoused under insurance and you only damage their case by offering them free housing with family
Also, you don’t want them at yours… and can’t have them at yours … (as they … are … awful .. !)
Stop trying to fix a problem not of your making and not solvable by you
Cat can go to cattery, it is literally not your job to fix this nor take in cat that your husband is allergic to nor family you are allergic to!!!
NTA, I wouldn’t have let them stay at all. They can get a hotel room. They should be able to read their insurance documents and see if temporary accommodations are supposed to be covered. You are sure they’re telling the truth about the fire, right?
I wish I had said no. They’re not good with money and don’t have anything saved for emergencies. My sister said she is making phone calls today. I feel like I needed to light a fire under her ass and this certainly did it. But yes, I saw the neighbor’s house and their house in person, and I was inside the house with all the damage. They can come and go, but all utilities are turned off until they finish assessing damage. We have ice and snow on the ground and single digits degree temperatures right now. The neighbor’s place is completely gone. They lost everything. She better figure it out sooner rather than later.
You can say no now. You can say no in 5 minutes or a day. *You have the agency and license to decide who is allowed in your home, when, for how long, without exception.*
You can find a hotel that takes a cat (or doesnt care to check) and tell your sister to pack her asshole self to go tonight.
Find a spine, use your husband’s as backup, and get her out of your house!
As for your father, he can figure out where he goes after rhe hospital, you are not, not, not(!) responsible for finding him a place.
You have an immediate family to care for, including an infant, and it only includes who you decide it does. You do not need to care for your adult relatives.
I do not know if you may find this a useful, informational, or supportive subreddit, but I think you may: r/raisedbynarcissists
NTA…Allowing them to stay would negatively impact your wellbeing and your marriage. These are adults. They can navigate the situation and find other solutions. It’s sad, but it’s not your problem to deal with.
NTA
Two weeks is already overly generous.
Depending on the type of home insurance policy that was on the property that got damaged with the fire, the insurance company may be able to cover payment for them being relocated until their home is back to pre-fire state. I would push them to investigate that as an option and just say that you’re not able to accommodate them and you’re not going to be able to do that for them.
NTA
Insurance should be taking care of them, not you. NTA for saying no. Get your sister out and just worry about your core family of you, husband, and baby.
NTA. You should never have let them step foot onto your property. You have absolutely no obligation to help it house them.
In addition to home owners’ insurance (neighbor’s and/or theirs) – have them contact their local Red Cross for shelter assistance. NTA.
Why do you feel guilty? Your sister has somewhere else to go, using insurance, displacement coverage, etc. Even if she didn’t, it doesn’t sounds like you can take her in. Your husband is allergic to her cat and your sister is allergic to doing the extra work her presence causes you. She’s also toxic enough that she’s sent you to therapy. Who would want to live like that?
Situations get serious before people do. Perhaps the two weeks to secure housing will help your sister grow up. Wish her well and hold your boundary.
NTA
Insurance should pay for a hotel for them immediately. They don’t need to come to you at all.