Hi, I’m a young adult. I live at home with my mom (49F) and help her with rent while I’m finishing up my degree. I’m grateful she’s allowing me to stay with her while I’m in school because I know not every adult has that privilege. When I finish school, I have plans to save up for a place of my own.
Recently, she allowed my brother (29M) to move back in with us after he spent a year in jail. He’s been in and out of jail since he was a teenager for drugs, burglary, etc. and has gotten us evicted from 2 homes in the past 15 years. Ofc, she always holds out hope that he’ll do better if she helps him enough, even though patterns have proven otherwise time and time again. It’s annoying to say the least, but I know as long as I don’t live on my own, I don’t have agency over who gets to move in.
When I heard he was moving back in, I didn’t argue with her, but I bought a mini fridge with a lock (because he has a hollow leg and doesn’t respect boundaries) and a security camera for my room (because he’s known to look in ppl’s rooms and steal when they’re not home).
After 3 weeks, the camera finally caught him in my room while I was at school. He didn’t find what he was looking for, but it angers me that he was even in my room in the first place. I want to show the footage to my mom and say "Hey, if I have to live like this, I should at least get to pay less rent. You’re the one who let him move in after all." But the issue is I don’t want to come of as aggressive or unreasonable. I could really use an unbiased perspective on this matter. WIBTA for bringing this up to her? Thanks in advance.
UPDATE: For everyone mentioning it, I dont put a lock on my door because I have cats and I can’t lock them in/out of my room while I’m away. I’ll see if a cat door if possible, but it might be tricky since we rent the apartment ;(
NTA – if anything, get a passcode doorknob installed, and make sure you change the password frequently. Good luck with all that!
This shouldn’t be about “rent”, you simply can’t live like this wtf.
Since it doesn’t sound that moving out is an option, I’d see about putting a lock on your door. I’d keep the footage quiet though. Unless if they raise a stink about “not trusting family”, then show the footage. But, be prepared for the darvo of “How dare you put cameras in your room? That’s disrespectful and not something TRUE family would do”. I’d respond with how true family doesn’t go searching another family member’s room. Especially a person who has a history of theft.
The better choice would be to get a lock for your room so that he cannot access it again. A deadbolt would be best if you can figure out how to install one. Other than that, replace the door handle with a keyed lock.
You can go ahead and show the footage to your mom so she at least knows what is going on.
You wouldn’t be the A, but it’s not going to do anything. He’s her Precious Baby Boy and she believes he’ll magically shape up if she just let’s him do whatever.
Tell mom kick him out or you are moving out. If she doesn’t want to lose the contributing adult she’ll make it happen.
Hear me out here –
If you come at her like “If I have to live like this, you should make it cheap for me to do so” YWBTA. The phrasing here is:
“I need to put a lock on my door. Here is the footage of Brother snooping in my room looking for who knows what (don’t make assumptions, just point out he didn’t have permission or reason to be there) and I don’t feel like my space is safe. Due to needing to add security measures like a mini fridge to keep the food I pay for around, a camera, and now a lock for my door, I’d like to discuss an adjustment in rent and utilities since there are three of us here instead of two.”
Keep the points to
1. There are more people, therefore the utility usage is going to go up, and you shouldn’t have to pay for his share.
2. Rent should be divided by three now instead of two.
3. Your mom moved him in without talking to you about it first, and while you understand her wanting to support him, you have already found him in your room and need to secure your space.
I want to clarify here that I am not calling OP an AH, nor do I think they would be for asking for reduced rent. I think OP saying “I don’t want to come of as aggressive or unreasonable.” while also saying “Hey, if I have to live like this, I should at least get to pay less rent. You’re the one who let him move in after all.” is, by definition, and aggressive approach and WOULD make them the AH if they come at this situation like that. There are better ways to negotiate and NOT sound like an AH. OP is justified to not want to cover her brother’s share of rent/utilities/theft habits.
This is the best approach. It needs to be ties to the living situation changes and avoid family drama.
Move out. If you can’t do that, get a lock to the door. If you can’t do that, get a lockbox. And I would DEFINITELY be asking for a reduced rent while he’s there.
Alternatively, I would make it clear that whatever he steals from me, I am reducing from the next rent payment.
Edit. I’m aware this may sound glib. Of course I would advise you to be respectful about it, especially if you cannot afford to move out. But you can be both respectful and firm.
NTA
NTA. It sounds like you should invest in a smart lock on your door.
You should definitely show the footage to your mom. Dont use rent as leverage though. Work with your mother she has a child that has given her a hard time already and has ruined things for your family. Work together not against each other in this situation.
I would definitely show Mom the footage showing your brother invading your room. I wouldn’t launch in with “you’re the one who let him move in….” but would ask her (calmly) what she plans to do about it. I don’t think a rent reduction is going to stop him from going into your room. Your Mom installing a secure lock on your door and giving you the only key would be a better request. NTA.
The thing is that asking to pay less rent does nothing to solve the actual problem. Sure, maybe you “should” pay less rent if you have to deal with this, but you’re still going to have the privacy issue. I would start by asking her to put a lock on your door, which connects directly to the issue at hand and provides a tangible symbol of the problem to your mother. I also think someone needs to confront your brother about it if no one has already.
So YWNBTA but you also wouldn’t be addressing the actual problem, and you still need to figure out either how to live with him or how to move out.
NTA, but definitely get a lock. If anything, I hope rent is split equally and he’d pay the same, naturally making your rent go down too. If you don’t feel safe, and/or you don’t think your mom could be fair, protect your mind and your property and move out.
NTA. You can ask but be ready to accept her decision, whatever it is. Fair would be to split the rent and utilities 3 ways. At age 24 your living situation is you, your brother and your mom are roommates, not mother – brother – daughter. That means you each do your fair share of cleaning and cooking and shopping. It may not work out like that with your brother but you have no control over that. I assume you pay your own car and phone bills. Have an adult conversation with your mom about who does what and when.
As for your bedroom switch out the lock with a keyed doorknob. Only way in is with a key and only you have a key. You can leave it unlocked when you are in the room to ally any fears your mom may have about medical/fire emergencies. It’s easy to change a knob and you don’t need to ask your mom for permission. If she wants to know why then you show her the video.