My bio dad has been dead since I was a baby. I have zero memories of him and for a good amount of my childhood I had no father figure. Sure my mom and my siblings told me stories about him but that isn’t the same as actually knowing someone.
When I was eleven my mom married Jim ( fake name). He became my father figure while my sister only tolerate him. This is when my relationship with my sister and I started to fall apart.
She has always been mad about me replacing “dad”. She would make me feel bad about thinking as him as my father figure and that I was betraying “bio dad”
Our relationship got better after she went to college. The issue is I was looking through old photos with my mom and we saw a few of my bio dad at a themed park with my siblings.
Apparently before he died he would do little theme park trip with the kids. I asked Jim if we could go to a theme park and have some pictures.
He agreed and we went this weekend, I had a great time and posted some pictures on instagram.
My sister don’t take it well… we got into an argument. She claims I have been betraying bio dad and basically how dare I do something that bio dad did with them but with Jim. I pointed out that I see Jim as my dad. That I literally call him dad.
It went on for a while, qnd she told me I was being a bad daughter for replacing him. I had enough and told her that our bio dad ain’t my dad, that my dad is Jim and if she can’t accept that then maybe she ain’t my sister either.
She went to my other sibling and I am basically being told to apologize. I don’t want to, I am sick of her making me feel bad that I think of Jim as my dad and I don’t even remember bio dad at all
it wasn’t even the same themepark, the one we went to opened last year
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Update: I talked to my grandma and she helped me come up with a list about all the times my sister made me feel bad for having a relationship with Jim. It was pretty long and I have decided to take a step back from that relationship.
i am tired of feeling bad for having a father figure. I should not have to hide that I like my dad or be screamed at becuase I made him a Father’s Day card ( happened multiple times, and she even ripped one of them up)
i hope my sister get she help she needs but I am done. She is 22 , and should not be screaming at me over this.
My relationship with him doenst affect her at all.
For everyone thinking this was spite it really wasn’t. it was me living my life and I don’t wish to walk on glass around her anymore
I should be able to go on a dad-daughter day and post about it without being screamed at.
Nta. you don’t remember biodad, and they should be happy you have Jim as a dad. they are being selfish thinking you should go through life isolating yourself over a man you don’t remember. They should be happy you have Jim in your life, he sounds great.
He is great
NTA and i think your Bio dad would be estaic to know that his child found a father-figure and was loved properly after his death
You didn’t replace your biological father. He passed away, and he passed away when you were a baby and likely have no memory of him. I assume your sister and older siblings remember him and remember the theme park trips. I’m sure it’s more difficult to think of another father figure because their memory is much stronger. It’s an emotionally charged issue for any family to navigate and it’s understandable that they have strong feelings on the matter.
But you’re definitely NTA to view Jim as your father and you shouldn’t feel the need to apologize. And just because there is a new male in your siblings’ lives does not mean he’s trying to replace their father. Maybe some day they’ll come to view him that way as well. Maybe their emotional scarring and their memory won’t ever allow that.
But thinking of Jim as your father doesn’t do anything to diminish your biological father who passed away.
I’m sorry you and your siblings had to deal with this from such a young age.
Op directly taking theme park pictures with Jim after seeing pictures of siblings with dad is odd however.
And I get that op doesn’t have memories but bio dad is usually not used for late parents, even if you don’t remember them. But for donors and deadbeats and abusive dads.
Op seeing Jim as dad isn’t an issue. But she can still have two dad’s and not call one bio dad.
ESH. Even though you didn’t include ages, it’s clear that your siblings are older and they DO remember your bio dad. She’s wrong to police your relationship with Jim and say that you’re replacing biodad, but you’re being insensitive to the fact that she lost her father. Telling her that he isn’t your dad and she isn’t your sister is illogical and clearly just meant to be hurtful.
Well, clearly nothing else is getting through to the sister.
Also, sister has shamed and antagonized OP for years. Enough is enough. She can grieve any way she wants, but she doesn’t get to dictate OPs life.
See, I originally agreed with that sentiment but in another comment OP says “I don’t care about ghost anymore. It’s been almost 16 years. I’m over it” and that is so wildly insensitive to call her deceased father ghost… The sister needs to get grief counseling but OP talks about her bio dad as though he abandoned them, but he didn’t. He died… And her siblings love and miss him still. I actually think they all need counselling still, OP included, to deal with the anger towards her bio Dad. I agree that ESH but very gently, because OP is reacting to this situation with venom and being disparaging about bio Dad.
Hm, I hadn’t seen that comment, but I actually disagree with you. She never met him, there are no memories, zero attachment. Then she grew up in a household where her siblings grieved what was essentially a stranger, and if sister is this self-absorbed in her grief after 16 years, I don’t want to know what she was like when she was younger.
I think sister’s behaviour poisoned any chance OP might have ever had of actually forming an emotional connection to her bio dad, and I think her “anger” (I’d call it detachment, tbh, or maybe apathy) is definitely on her sister.
I am with you on this. My dad died when my son was 12ish. My dad lived on the other side of the country and had little actual relationship with my son. My dad didn’t visit or call, he would send gifts at Christmas and birthdays and thats about it. When he died, my son came to me to express his guilt for not being big sad about it. He told me he understood why I was sad, and he was sad for me, but he wasn’t sad because he really didn’t know him and I told him that was perfectly reasonable and understandable and NORMAL. OP is just a smidge older than my son was and being forced to mourn someone you never met for your entire life has to have a breaking point, especially when you have someone who is in that role and loves you. Jim’s a good dude and is trying to give OP the best dad experiences he can and OPs siblings need to chill the hell out. They had a dad and she gets to have one too.
Technically speaking he is a ghost. He was never around, OP never met him, interacted with him or has any memories.
Sure their older siblings need to understand that their loss is NOT OPs loss. They can’t force OP to be sad about someone they’ve never even met.
Example, if I were to pass away you wouldn’t mourn for me at all…. Because we’ve never met at all.
That’s exactly the same sentiment that you’re applying to OP.
Sure OP could be a bit more sensitive about the siblings loss of the father they had, by they need to back off.
OP never was insensitive till this moment where she exploded because she’s been dealing with years of being berated over something That isn’t her fault NTA
EVERYONE has a breaking point
A very gentle ESH.
You and your sister both suffered a terrible loss, and I’m so sorry.
Your sister is grieving your biological father, and seeing you not see him as your dad is adding to her grief. That is real pain, but instead of processing it internally she is trying to make you change, which isn’t fair to you.
On the other hand, your complete rejection of your biological father is kind of strange and understandingly hurtful to your sister. Your biological father is your dad, and the man who raised you is also your dad. It is not a betrayal of your relationship with Jim to acknowledge the loss of your bio dad. I do think your comment about her not being your sister was a low and unnecessary blow.
All in this is a very complicated, very painful reality you both are in. I would really encourage you both to give eachother grace and be respectful to how the other feels. She is trying to force you to see your bio dad over Jim. You are trying to force her to pretend your bio dad isn’t your dad at all. Both are unreasonable
No.
OP has no relationship with their biodad. No memories. Nothing to attach anything to.
OP’s sister’s grief isn’t on OP to handle. OP is allowed to have a life with a father figure. The sister is doing everything she can to try to rob OP of a CHILDHOOD where they do things a stepparent would do with a child. Going to a theme park? OP is never allowed to do anything with the stepparent because everything leads back to a dad that doesn’t exist to OP.