I was just woken up after just 4 hrs of sleep to find out my mom had promised my sister I would help her move out the heaviest furniture out her house today. When I called my sister to verify she was rude and passive aggressive and didn’t let me explain myself. I have already helped this sister with money and my time before but they are both making it seem like I’d be a bad brother if I don’t help them physically move with no warning or planning ahead of time. I may have started out willing to help in a couple of hours but after being woken up suddenly and then immediately getting hit passive aggression I’m feeling like not helping at all. Yeah my sister was upset that I didn’t offer to help move her out of her house proactively but she didn’t kick me out of that house not 2 years ago (for no good reason) and has never apologized for upending my life. So I’ve been keeping my distance for a while now, yet still helping them when they couldn’t pay bills of sometimes when my niece needed a ride to work.
My sister has 5 people in her house hold 4 of which are over 18 one of which is 17, that being said counting my sister 3/5 of them are women. That being said since I was never asked to help move them properly, I figured it wasn’t that big of a deal for them to move out of their own house. Its not like i havent helped them in any way in the past few days either i just havent picked up any furniture. Am I the asshole here? Let me know if I need to clarify some things.
Well, it’s not a good look to refuse to help someone because of an old grudge or bad feelings, but that’s not all that’s happening here, is it? Your mother promised your help without even checking with you before doing so, which is wrong, and your sister doesn’t appear to have asked you for help at all, which is worse.
NTA – even within a family, people should be ASKED if they can help, and any response (including “no”) should be respected. Family shouldn’t be treated worse than some stranger – and your mother wouldn’t have grabbed a stranger off the street and ordered them to help your sister move, right at that moment.
NTA for declining to help her move, period.
You’re especially NTA for refusing to be voluntold by your mother. In fact, that’s an excellent reason by itself to refuse. She needs to learn that if she didn’t get your permission in advance, you will always refuse.
Please stop helping them with bills. Get therapy if you have a problem saying no, but there’s no good reason for you to be sending money to an adult who is supposed to make (or learn to make) responsible decisions about their own finances.
NTA. When you move it’s your responsibility to ask for the help you need well ahead of time. If you don’t get enough help from friends and family then you’re responsible for hiring the help you need. Sounds like both mom and sister expect your help simply because of your gender, which is gross. Tell your mom she’s not to ever voluntell you for anything ever again. If she does you’ll refuse just like you did this time. Tell sister she can’t treat people poorly and still expect their help.
Just so you know asking for help well ahead of time is normal. People need time to see if they can get off work and whether they’re otherwise free. I’m moving in about 6 weeks and asked for help back in December, so about 3 months before the expected move date. This is what you do when you want to get a yes answer.
NTA – even with a full nights sleep, someone else shuld never promise your time to another.
NTA
Your mom is the first AH for promising your labor without asking you, and your sister is the second for being entitled about it. Helping people move is a “best friend” or “paid professional” tier favor—not something you demand from someone you’ve treated poorly in the past. If there are four other adults in that house, they can figure out how to lift a sofa. Go back to sleep.
NTA you were never asked and never agreed to it.
NTA.
Even if you were the only able-bodied adult they knew, you’re not obliged to jump when they call last minute. Your sister has other people who can help move furniture. And even if she didn’t, that’s not your problem.
I love how they’d accuse you of being a “bad brother” but nothing about her being a “bad sister” when she made you homeless. If people try to shame you by calling you names, you can shift that by accepting the label. You can say “yes, if refusing to help you move on zero notice makes me a bad brother, then I’m a bad brother.”
NTA. It sounds like there have been a lot of hard feelings and some poor communication in the past. It’s time to have a good sit-down talk and express your boundaries. If I read this right, you’re willing to help but only when there is a respectful dialogue and you’re given the chance to say no.
NTA. There’s nothing worse than being voluntold by a family member. Add in the fact that your sister kicked you out of that house previously? Hard pass.
Promise your sister that your mom will pay for professional movers. Boom, problem solved. Your mom has to do it, because you promised.
NTA
And then turn your phone off.
NTA, sister and your mom clearly don’t respect your time and energy. Your mom should have never volunteer you without asking you first. Never help them unless they learn some manners. This is a perfect opportunity to create boundaries with them so this will never happen in the future. Your future family will thank you for that and your kids will have cousins that respect them.
NTA- sounds like sister is privileged and self-centered. Get caller ID and stop answering calls from those people.