Hi, I’m 30 female asking about my husband 31 male. I was very clear from the beginning that p\*rn is betrayal to me. Yet my husband is constantly watching it behind my back.
I’m genuinely asking because I feel like I’m losing my grip on what’s reasonable.
My husband watches porn behind my back and lies about it. Not once. Not twice. Multiple times. Every time it comes up, he denies it until I have hard evidence browser history, downloads, timestamps then suddenly it’s “okay yes, but it’s not a big deal, I do it when I’m mad at you.” I will admit since the last couple times I’ve caught him I’ve become extremely angry. Anger that isn’t even in my character. I’ve said horrible things to him that I never thought I’d say to anyone but I feel so broken.
To me, it is a big deal. Not because porn exists, but because it’s done in secrecy and followed by lying. Over and over. It feels like being cheated on emotionally.
I have tried everything to fix this or make myself “enough.” I’ve worked on my confidence, I’ve changed my appearance (including plastic surgery), I’ve made effort to be more open, adventurous, and attentive in our intimate life. I’ve asked what he needs. I’ve listened. I’ve bent. I’ve tried to compromise. And I am extremely sensual, I would be okay with multiple times a day.
And here’s the thing.. I’m not ugly. I’m told frequently that I’m very attractive. I know this logically, I’m quite tall, slim, blonde with green eyes and now large fake breasts… which is exactly what his “type” is apparently yet the women he watches look nothing like me…. Seems to be very very thin, flat chested brunettes. To add fuel to fire, I find my husband extremely attractive but he says he finds himself ugly? I know he isn’t conventionally attractive but he blames being self conscious on why he does it as well.
Emotionally, I’m stuck asking: why am I still not enough? Why does he feel the need to hide this from me and then lie straight to my face over and over?
The lying hurts more than the content itself. It’s the gaslighting. The denial until proof. The feeling that I’m being made to feel crazy for trusting my instincts. For feeling like if he’d do this to me maybe he’s physically cheated on me too?
Before anyone jumps straight to “divorce him,” I can’t. We have three kids in a blended family. I am not breaking them apart, and I will not lose my stepchild, whom I love as my own to my core. I’ve considered opening our marriage and just sleeping with someone who makes me feel desired …. Something I haven’t felt in ages. Then he can be free to replace me with a screen all he wants.
So honestly am I being unreasonable for feeling betrayed and exhausted by this? Or is this as damaging as it feels?
Please see a therapist who you can trust and open up to. You need professional help for your feelings and how to deal with your husband’s abandonment of your feelings.
YTA. You lost me at poor is a betrayal. Which granted is the first sentence. But this stance will always be an ass hole stance for me.
Porn lets people explore their sexual fantasies. As long as the source is from safe reliable and all parties are consensual you shouldn’t be offended or upset by it.
i would usually say the porn shouldn’t be the issue, him lying to you should be and him saying he does it when he’s mad at you is a huge red flag. however this “boundary,” is pretty unreasonable and feeling like it’s akin to cheating is not healthy and you should seek therapy for that. but you’re husband is an asshole for lying and saying he does it when he’s mad.
in short yes you’re being unreasonable. boundaries are for yourself, not for others. if you view cheating as a boundary, you have to enforce that by leaving him. but you’ve said you’re not willing to do that. so either live unhappily together or get therapy to find out why you’re so threatened by it.
Honestly, I don’t even know why any woman bothers with mediocre men anymore. I read your post and could see immediately that you’re way out of his league and yet bending over backwards to please him as if he’s the prize. No babe, YOU ARE THE PRIZE.
That is all.
Eh, it’s just porn… I don’t think it should be off the table for your partner. If he’s addicted or ignoring you for porn that’s one thing, but he shouldn’t be shamed for viewing it in his own time… it’s like women reading smutty books or enjoying porn themselves… it can be part of a healthy sex life and he shouldn’t feel scolded and embarrassed by his wife for that.
I would actually agree with you on this… normally. But, he said he does it when he’s mad at her, which isn’t doing it as part of a healthy sex life, but as punishment to her that he then hides and makes her feel like she’s going crazy over until it becomes another fight. That was the part that got me.
My husband and I watch porn, alone and together, but if I found out he did it only when he was mad at me, it would change my entire perspective. Especially if it was something that, like OP is, I was already feeling challenged by.
There’s a lot to unload with this one, but it feels like this is about more than porn. It’s about using sexual discomfort and a form of “cheating” as punishment and then making OP feel like she’s the bad one. I don’t know that an open marriage is the right idea cause I don’t think that would make OP feel better about herself, but I do think she needs to talk to someone unbiased, someone who perhaps can offer professional advice.
Watching porn is one thing. Watching porn cause you’re mad feels… skeevy.
First off, you’re not an AH for how you feel. The problem is that you take his enjoyment of porn personally, when it’s not. It doesn’t mean you’re not meeting his needs. It doesn’t mean you’re not pretty enough for him. In fact, it has nothing to do with you at all. If he’s watching porn and hiding it, those are both his own issues.
I’d suggest getting counseling to help with your self esteem, boundaries, trust, etc. You say you get mad and feel like it’s cheating, but it doesn’t sound like you have boundaries or a plan in mind. It also sounds like the trust is broken because you’re going through his stuff. Relationships without trust are not healthy.
If he’s open to it, couples counseling, but I’d only suggest that if he also wants to work on things. Opening the marriage sounds like a bad idea unless you are both poly, which it doesn’t sound like is the case.
If he doesn’t want to quit porn, you need to question your own views of it and admit to yourself whether it’s a deal breaker or not. Why do you feel like it’s cheating? Can you learn to be confident in your own self worth even if he keeps wanting to enjoy that.
It might be an issue of incompatibility if he really wants to watch porn and you can’t accept that. I know you don’t want to hear that, but some people just want different things. Staying together for the kids if you’re both unhappy isn’t good for you or the kids.
Yta. And the reason for lying and secrecy is because you forbade him to watch it obviously. You want to control a man and his second wife (his hand), good luck for that, you are in for a life of disappointment
Two things, one, porn is not sex. It’s a completely different experience. Like comparing a handful of chips to a 3 course meal. It’s not a replacement.
Two, why confront him about it? It’s done in secret because you’re confrontational about it. Don’t make him lie about it and he won’t lie about it.
Just let the guy have a wank in peace. It’s not about you. I could happily have sex with my wife and the a bit later when she’s asleep (I’m a night owl) happily crank one out to some random porn. It had nothing to do with my wife being good looking, willing or able.
YTA. You hold an extremely toxic false belief: the belief that being in love with someone means you are never attracted to anyone else and never have sexual desires except directly toward the person you’re in love with.
Humans do not work this way.
You need a therapist to help you shed your toxic thinking, which is making you miserable and harming your marriage.
Speaking as both a divorce lawyer and as a bisexual, polyamorous, sex-positive person, my take is this:
Everyone gets to decide for themselves, in consultation with their partner, what their boundaries are in their relationships. But sometimes expectations of monogamy lead people to some pretty unrealistic boundaries. You shouldn’t make commitments you can’t keep and you shouldn’t extract commitments from others that you know full well they can’t keep. In even the most monogamous of relationships, I submit to you, masturbation is not cheating. Porn is not cheating. Masturbation, which for many people involves porn, is routine maintenance.
Intellectually I suspect you know all this already. Your problem, as you’ve said, is not with the porn, but with the dishonesty around it. Granted, that’s not good. So the question then is, why does your husband feel the need to be dishonest about it? He likely has a lot of shame and guilt wrapped up in it – and knowing that you don’t like it, surely only makes this worse, even if that wasn’t the origin of those feelings for him. You yourself said that you’ve said “horrible things” to him about this – that likely contributes to this problem. I’m sure you know that. I’m sure that tangle contributes to the decline in your intimate relationship, and likely helps explain why he’s gravitating towards depictions of others who don’t look like you, even though you’re surely a desirable partner otherwise.
Resolving this tangle is beyond the scope of this board. You and your husband need to go to therapy together, as well as, perhaps, individually, if you’re interested in staying together. That makes this a gentle ESH verdict from me; but that’s less about moral blame and more about recognition of your mutual responsibilities to each other. The way out isn’t to declare one of you to be TA – the way out is to reaffirm your desire to be good to each other and try to listen to each other.
**”I was very clear from the beginning that p\*rn is betrayal to me.”**
So then of course he’s not going to be honest with you. What do you want him to do? Not jerk off? We don’t always want to have sex; sometimes we just want to rub one out. Why are you preventing your husband from doing that? How is porn betrayal? It’s make believe. You shouldn’t let your insecurities dictate how you view your husband. When your husband is watching porn, it’s to masturbate.
**”I have tried everything to fix this or make myself “enough.” I’ve worked on my confidence, I’ve changed my appearance (including plastic surgery), I’ve made effort to be more open, adventurous, and attentive in our intimate life. I’ve asked what he needs. I’ve listened. I’ve bent. I’ve tried to compromise. And I am extremely sensual, I would be okay with multiple times a day.”**
OK, but for the majority of men, none of this is even relevant. We don’t watch porn because our partner isn’t good enough, we do it because it’s entertaining or because we want to jerk off. You’re putting so much thought into this and making it into something it’s most likely not. Don’t do that.
You’re NTA, you’re just taking this to the extreme and making an issue out of something that means nothing to your husband.
First of all, his porn use says nothing about yourself worth. It’s not about you, but his sexual habits.
If this is a boundary for you (a lot of people have it so you wouldn’t be alone in this) then you need to draw a consequence here. You are expecting him to just change, that’s not how boundaries work.
Each of you have a deep seeded thing that you both separately need to address. You can’t solve his thing and he can’t solve yours.