I 20F (turning 21 in March) have been having sleepovers with my boyfriend of 3-1/2 years. He is my safe place and the only person I feel like I can fully trust in. My Mom and my bf’s parents are supportive of this but my dad and stepmom have expressed before that this does not align with their beliefs and they didn’t want me doing it. I stopped for awhile for them, but I realized that I was an adult and this was something I wanted to do. My dad and stepmom have now found out that I have been having sleepovers. They both went on about how I decieved them and lied to them and broke trust saying that my mom and his parents have also broken trust with them. They said I am not an adult I am a "young adult" as long as they are supporting me financially. My dad gave me two options 1: Submit to their beliefs for the next 1 1/2 years I have left of college and they will continue to support me financially (college, car, insurance, apartment, etc.) But I would have to download life360 so they can track me, not sleep over at my bf’s at all, AND I would not be allowed to sleep at my mother’s house (because she supports me and they think she’s not a good role model). Option 2: Choose to continue to have sleepovers and be completely independent on my own without any financial support. My mom has said she will help me which is amazing of her but I was struggling deeply with this decision. I ended up choosing option 2 because conditional support is manipulative and controlling. I knew if I went with option 1 the manipulation would continue because as my dad said "I wanted college to be my gift to you because then it would be something I gave you." So even after college it seems he’d be using that against me. I just feel broken and lost right now and I still feel like maybe I should’ve just stayed compliant as to not cause issues. Please give me all opinions and advice for how to move forward. So, AITA for making the decision of sleeping over with my boyfriend.
Extra note: I have been having issues with my dad and stepmom for awhile, this controlling behavior has been a constant problem. Before, my dad’s condition was if I decide to live with my boyfriend before marriage he wouldn’t pay for my wedding but now it has shifted to complete financial desertion for just sleeping over. He said that just because I don’t agree with their beliefs doesn’t mean I can act on my own, I have to follow their beliefs until I am out of college and can support myself.
NTA. Option 2 was the only option.
If you’d gone for option 1 your life would have been hell. Love is not conditional.
Edit for typo.
It doesn’t align with your dad’s beliefs, but he’s fine with getting divorced and remarried huh
Exactly. And how did he and the mom do things before (supposedly) getting married and having OP? Plus was he faithful until the marriage was over or did he hook up with another woman (maybe not even step mom) before the divorce?
It must also be a financial struggle to make this decision but I would not want his money at all. Because he would always try to manipulate OP as leverage. Nasty situation.
Assuming he has these beliefs due to religion, most religions are heavily against divorce and see it as breaking a religious covenant. Sure OP didn’t say this directly, but it’s probably a more likely assumption than that he’s a controlling ass with absolutely no religious impact.
Don’t ignore the possibility that he’s just a hypocrite. Pretty common among the religious. Especially the controlling ones.
See the American Evangelical movement, which overlaps heavily with American conservatives who have hypocrisy as their only consistent policy framework
I think this should be in r/relationships. That said, NTA, but your dad sure is.
A gift is a gift, no strings attached. If there are strings, it’s a quid pro quo, and your father and stepmother have lots of strings.
Go low contact. Conditional love is not love.
NTA…it’s better to struggle a bit financially than to sell your soul. Set boundaries with your father and only include him in your life in your terms. Your life is none of his business.
Honestly your Dad will always have some way to emotionally and financially blackmail you. I’d tell him thank you for all he’s done before but you’ll now be living your own life your own way.
If your Mom can help then great, lots of people get through college with part time jobs and still make a success of it..
You’re NTA
>my dad and stepmom have expressed before that this does not align with their beliefs
Tough. You’re not them.
>saying that my mom and his parents have also broken trust with them
Their pearl clutching doesn’t overrule everyone else’s opinion
>they will continue to support me financially (college, car, insurance, apartment, etc.) But I would have to download life360 so they can’t track me, not sleep over at my bf’s at all, AND I would not be allowed to sleep at my mother’s house
Royal A-H for using money to control someone else’s life.
>He said that just because I don’t agree with their beliefs doesn’t mean I can act on my own
>I still feel like maybe I should’ve just stayed compliant as to not cause issues.
Do you really think that level of iron fisted control would have ended after you graduate? *oh, you want help with the wedding, here’s our list of demands!*
They will be attempting to tell you what to do, where to live, how to raise your (if you have them) children, where to work… best to cut it off now.
Why does stepmom even have an opinion or feel entitled to share this opinion? She can kick rocks and so can dad.
NTA. But I suggest you discuss this with your mother, because if she and your father were married, the divorce settlement or a separate child support order might require your father to pay for your college. (There could also be a separate child support order even if they weren’t married).
very important
Great point. He might be legally obliged despite his views and attempt at control.
Only problem is he will find another way to screw you over.
It’s seems like both choices result in the same outcome.
If you submit, your father will lord it over you forever, to the point that you’ll have to cut contact to maintain your sanity/self-esteem.
If you don’t submit, your father will cut contact with you.
Either way, in the end you won’t have a good, adult-style relationship with your father once you leave school.
As u/GlassUsual9748 says, “NTA- just don’t take their money and live your life the way you want to.”