Hey guys. I didn’t expect this many replies. I am trying my best to reply back but it’s kinda hard since English isn’t my first language and I’m new to Reddit system. But I’ll try my best to reply back even if it takes time. Thank you so much for various opinions.
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Hi. I live in East Asia and this is my first time writing in Reddit. I yelled at my mom today and I want to know if I am the asshole for doing this.
I have been the only child since my brother passed away of disease about 30 years ago. I (38f) live with my parents (in their 70s) and one elderly cat (17m). The family cat is having serious aging problems requiring meds and fluids everyday, which I am the only one who can give these to him since my parents are somehow scared to do so. This is the biggest reason that I live with my parents and they know it.
My mom can’t hold her tears just thinking about my old brother till this day and I always supported her. For long as I remember, our family is in forever grief mode. We never openly talk about my brother, and it is considered a taboo to watch any media that presents children in serious disabilities or disease, like my brother.
However, about 4 years ago my narcissistic grandfather (99m) blamed my mom by talking about how our family doesn’t have a son, which is very male-centered mind of our culture. There was a huge family drama after this incident, and my mom declared that she’ll never visit him again. My dad did nothing but yelled at her to apologize to his father. Because I was always on her side when my parents had a fight, I told her to divorce my dad so many times. But it never happened so I gave up. This actually worsened my 20 years of depression a lot.
Last week, my aunt’s grandson had a first birthday party and aunt didn’t invite my mom in purpose for her father’s revenge. My mom decided to confront her via email. Today, during writing and sending the email, she was sobbing the whole time in the thought of my deceased brother. I was so stressed, but tried hard not to touch this immense sadness filling the house.
Suddenly she told me that if there’s a second life, she wishes my brother to be her baby again, sobbing. I think that was my last straw. I couldn’t resist anymore and yelled at my mom for not getting over the death of my brother. I then said, though I understand how that kind of loss cannot be healed forever, I am literally sick and tired of watching her being sad over him till now. She got immediately offended and yelled at me "if you don’t to hear it, get out of my house". And she went to her room and slammed the door, started crying out loud like it’s end of the world.
I said nothing after this but she told everything to my dad saying how sensitive and aggressive I was to her. I bursted into tears being hurt, but also feeling guilty and horrible for saying those words to her. I wanted to hold back but I couldn’t. I was literally suffocating in stress. Am I the asshole?
This isn’t a sarcastic question: does your culture believe in therapy?
Therapy is not a thing here between elder ppl, but it’s also very expensive. I can’t imagine my parents getting therapy sessions.
Its possible for you to go to a counselor and get some advice on how to talk to them, but sis, your mother isnt going to change.
Your mother’s identity is now wrapped in her grief. Unless she is ready and willing to find out who she is without that grief, it’s just not going to happen. Some people can’t move on because they are afraid of what’s on the otherside of their grief…for some, no longer grieving would feel like losing that person all over again.
But you can’t control her, her reactions to others aeound her, and must focus all your energy on yourself.
I hope your mother finds peace, but it can be hard when there are AHs like your grandfather saying such awful things. All your mother can do is limit contact with people like that, but again, that might involve a change in identity, one without a significant portion of her fsmily (because for some, a bigger toxic family is better than a smaller family).
Your mom needs counseling. Her grief will never go away but she can have help.
NTA
The loss of a child is something a parent never gets over. This is true. But it should not encompass their and the family’s entire lives forever.
My parents never got over the loss of my oldest sibling and did have different ways of handling it, but they understood that you still have to function and move forward, especially for the children that are left.
Your mother needs some serious therapy. Should have had some when your brother died, but 30 years! of such active, life overriding displays of grief is well beyond normal and probably has a lot to do with our own MH challenges as she sounds like she was never there for you because she allowed her “grief” to encompass everything.
Her behavior at this point is just manipulative and selfish.
I understand your cat needs medication, but for your own benefit, take the cat with you and find a place of your own for your mental health.
NTA. 30 years of being in sadness, overshadowed by someone who’s not even there. Your mom should be looking at what she does still have, YOU, instead of pushing away the child that’s left.
I get grief is hard, but it’s been 30 years of seemingly walking on eggshells over this.
ESH. Move out. Take the cat.
NAH there is no pain like the pain of losing a child. A non parent can’t understand it. But there’s also no pain like living in a home that has a cloud of grief over it. Your mother needs grief counseling. She will probably never get it.
You are NTA, but yelling at your mother that way was a bit asshole-y.
Your whole family needs therapy, especially your mother. Grieving is different for everybody, but your mother is still emotionally disabled by a tragedy that happened 30 years ago. Your grandfather is a cruel jackass, and it sounds like you have been burdened with being the less-desirable female child since you were 8 years old. Your father doesn’t know how to deal with it all so he yells.
It’s time you left. Take the cat if you need to, and start your life without your brother’s ghost hanging over your shoulder.
NTA
You need to move out. This is not healthy.
This is so sad from start to finish. I feel for you – it’s so hard to have parents who are too consumed by their grief for a child who is no longer here, to be fully present for the one that is.
But my god – your poor, poor mom. How horrifically painful, and what a shitty, shitty family she has. I wonder if a lack of support with this deeply painful experience, is a reason she seems to have been unable to recover from it (to what extent it’s even possible to ‘recover’ from the loss of a child).
NAH, except your shitty extended family. I hope you and your mom can fix things, and wish you both the best.
Omg! You need to leave! Go be happy! I understand your mom’s grief but you deserve to be happy too. Take the cat and go.
You are the AH to yourself. You are 38 years old and have no life of your own. Move out
NTA, but take her up on her offer to get out of her house – for your sake.