Hello everyone I 32f am having a time and posting from an anon account. My fiancee H 37f has been having a time health wise and is currently stuck in a not great living situation because our apartment is a 4th floor NYC walk up and she fell down our stairs and broke both her knees and one of her hips 6 months ago. Because of this she’s been living with her mum in Vermont because her mums house is wheelchair accessible and we don’t want to break our lease because it’s rent controlled. We live with our partner K 45M and his fiance B 28f and I will get into that in a bit, at H’s last Dr appointment we found out that the last docs she was seeing were full of shit basically saying that everything would heal fine casted, but turns out she broke both her hips very badly and that her knees are basically shattered, and by extension needs a double knee and hip replacement. Her surgery was this week and everything went as expected.
During these 6 months leading up to it K&B have been miserable roommates because K has literally been babying B to the point I had to chase B down with lease forms pre filled out and had to make her sign it because "forms give her anxiety", I’m also having to do all of B’s chores and laundry because B is "afraid of our basement" and her psychiatrist allegedly said she doesn’t have to do chores because they’re too stressful (her chores are unload our countertop dishwasher in the morning, refill hand soap, and throw our trash down the chute, and because bills are scary guess who has been handling all her medical bills getting paid from her account (it’s me) and haven’t seen a single one for any psych services so pretty sure shes lying about that) I’m currently a resident iykyk how that schedule goes. The icing of all of this is if me and k go on a date (which is rare because the planets must align and an angel must have sneezed) it always her calling with an emergency (me and K’s Disney trip to celebrate my graduating med school she called as our flight was boarding and pulled the "if you don’t come home right now I’ll exit stage left"… I went to Disney alone)… So morale has been low if you can figure outhow things have been going
I went to Northern California this week to hike and figure my shit out and I came to the conclusion that things are really really REALLY BAD and I am very depressed and I’m considering taking my butt to the ER but the only thing holding me back is I promised H that I would care for her once I got back to the East Coast because she is in rough shape but I really think I need intensive services because I am doing really bad and because of shame I’m thinking of doing the admission out here because I don’t want to be prodded by my coworkers. I have 3 months of rent in the house joint account and won’t stop grocery delivery.
So would I be the asshole for pretty much abandoning my fiancee for however long I’m in psych for the first few weeks of her recovery from surgery to be able to stabilize me?
I strongly suspect that the mods are going to take this down soon, so here goes…ESH here except the actual patient in VT.
If you’re sincerely suffering and unsafe, please get the help you need. That polycule is a mess that you will need to address at a point in the very near future. If you want this answer to be YTA? Leave that unsolved.
Dude I know you can’t control timing but come on. Your taking about how her experiences affect you, imagine how she’s feeling? And you aren’t even talking about getting something in place before hand?
Not the AH. You need to take care of yourself first or you will be no use to anyone, least of all yourself. While you are working on your mental health you should probably take the time to reassess your living situation
Good luck for your future
If H is a loving partner, I’m sure she’ll understand the situation if you explain it to her. Mental health is just as important as physical health. You also don’t know how long you will need to be at the psych ward. Maybe you’ll recover quicker than you think and will be able to rejoin H and support her recovery once you’re out. I understand how people might see this as you abandoning your loved ones but sometimes you have to prioritise your mental health. You don’t know how worse it’ll get until you can’t handle it anymore. You don’t know if you’ll be able to provide the best care for your partner in this mental state. If you admit yourself into psych, it will be better for all of you in the long run.
NTA your mental health is more important and you may need to rethink your polycule.
you can always just start a new life in a foreign country or new state instead
You can’t care for others if you aren’t taking care of yourself. But I would make sure that you really need it. You can write to H and say what’s going on, how you’re feeling, and that you need time to get your head right, but that doesn’t absolve you of being a bit in the wrong here. It sounds like you have too many responsibilities, but you’ll still have them post in patient because the solution is probably dumping K due to B inability to function in a polycule.
NTA for seeking the help that you need, but a bit YTA if you don’t tell your fiancé why you’ll be absent. You dont need to give her all the details or turn it into a therapy session but to simply vanish on her at any time, but especially now, is not ok. If she loves you, she’ll tell you to do what you need to do to get healthy and stay with her mom until you’re able to step back in.
And I’m speaking from experience here. We had a horrible year in 2023 including me breaking my foot while trying to help 23yo adult daughter during a medical event that ended up being a seizure episode culminating in an exertional heart attack for her, then my husband needing to be admitted for SI and major depression for 2 1/2 weeks to get stabilized on meds enough for discharge, then me being hospitalized with sepsis from a kidney infection when he’donly been out a couple weeks; all in the span of 2 months. We also have a horse farm and lots of pets so I was doing farm chores, taking care of the house pets and house, and helping our daughter with her cardiac rehab and other health issues while my foot was still broken when he was inpatient. Anyone who loves you is going to want you to get help even if it’s inconvenient timing. But tell her what’s going on, don’t just vanish.
Honestly it sounds like everyone in this situation needs to get out of it. Either evict the couple living in the flat if it is yours or find a different place if it is theirs. Breakup with the couple. H is going to be down for awhile and sounds like she probably should not be living in a place with stairs. You need to work on your mental health. Esh
first put on your own oxygen mask….
She’s safe, you are reeling, you need care. All you have to do is let her know. Things won’t get better until you get better. Everything is okay except you. Get help!
ESH except for the person in VT, including her doctors, and especially you for your poor grammar, and lack of punctuation and sentence structure, that makes this hard to read.
It does not sound like a real situation. But if you and your fiancée are both sleeping with K, and he is sleeping with B, well—-yuck. It is a mess, and you need to get out of that living situation asap. It sounds co-dependent and unhygienic, and psychologically twisted.
This is what I would do: go to your place and pack your valuables and as much of your belongings (and any valuables your fiancée left) as possible, and depart that shared living situation. Leave enough rent money to cover a couple months. Let them figure it out otherwise. Forget the lease, despite the rent control. Get away from those two.
Go to VT and help your partner recover from that devastating accident. Take a leave of absence from your job/residency for a few months to do so (FMLA may apply where your job is protected in the meantime). This will screw up your medical training in a big way, but others have had partners get sick, and have had to take time out. You can do this. How were you planning to care for her in VT from NYC, anyway? It will likely be several months of care that she’ll need.
While in VT, begin outpatient therapy for your mental health. See someone good two or three times a week, if you can. Sort yourself out. Have little or no contact with K or B. They can figure out their lives on their own, and B will have to grow up. They are not good for you.
When your fiancée is somewhat independent again, consider in patient therapy, if you still feel the need. You probably won’t, because you will have had time away from the others, and help thinking it through. But if you need it, do it in VT near your partner. You can hopefully resume residency when she’s better, and both can return to the city, to a new place.
Don’t just run away from your partner at her time of need. You are both in need, but you have this chance to start fresh in a way, removed from a situation that made you feel shame in part, and very burdened and confused.
Maybe you could look for a new job/residency placement in VT while there, too. Do not contact K or B. Good luck.
This whole thing is fake. No one had hips and knees replaced in one surgery. No one is inpatient for months for mental health unless you are completely psychotic. A doctor would know these things