So I (21F) have booked a trip to North CA – San Fransisco area – next week to visit my partner (M23). I will be going for 6-7 days and travelling there alone, but staying with my partner the entire time.
Everything has already been sorted, I have my ESTA approved, return flight booked, accomodation already arranged where I’m staying with my partner. My one thing is that I’m not planning on sharing this with my family at all.
My family can be quite overbearing and can be the helicopter parents when it comes to things, even if its a small thing like me finishing uni later than what initially thought, they go into a whole line of questioning and turns the situation into something bigger than it needs to be.
When I previously mentioned that I was *considering* taking a trip (not even booked), it quickly escalated into worst-case scenarios, repeated warnings, and long discussions about everything that could go wrong. That experience is a big reason I’m hesitant to tell them now.
I’ve never really travelled internationally on my own – sometimes it’s been small trips around the country but nothing major. Even then though it’s lead to loads of constant messages, panic, and a bit of guilt tripping. With this being overseas, I know it would turn into nonstop questioning, emotional pressure and continuous guilt tripping throughout the whole trip (along with after it).
I would, however, be sharing what I’m doing with a friend (flight information, where I’m staying, etc) so that I can check in that I’m alive and okay and if something did happen then at least someone knows where I am.
I understand that parents worry, especially since this would be my first time travelling alone. At the same time, I’m an adult, the trip is short and planned, and I don’t feel like I should have to manage other people’s anxiety at the cost of my own experience.
**Edit: I’d be flying from the UK to CA! Additionally been with my partner for a year to a year and a half but known each other a lot longer before we got together.**
So WIBTAH if I went on this trip and didn’t tell my family, including temporarily disabling Life360 while I’m away?
NAH
I’m not going to call you an AH but perhaps a little immature and short sighted.
Not being able to be honest about an international trip, especially when the US is such a contentious hot bed right now, is only going to come back and bite you in the butt. It is likely that it will break some of the trust with your parents and lying will only distance your relationship from your parents, when I’m sure you want their support if this continues as an international LDR.
Additionally, if things *do* go south, your friend is unlikely to be the one to get you out of that bind.
I completely get the attitude of “I’m an adult, I should be able to do what I want”. Because you’re right, you should be able to move forward with the things you want to do even if it causes discomfort. **But**, growing up and maturing is also being able to have a discussion, answer concerns and providing transparency and honesty.
NAH I can understand how that feels as I had similar experience but more important question is you have met you boyfriend in irl before Right? Because if not then please think about going
NTA. Have fun!
INFO: what country do you live in? As that would make a big difference considering where you’re traveling to. And as an aside, if your parents normally have access to your location, how will you explain them suddenly not having it?
NTA but tell them where you are once you’re already there so they don’t do something silly like file a missing person’s case
I understand what you’re saying about anxious parents and all, but an international trip is a bigger deal and honestly the U.S. isn’t in such a great situation right now. I would let them know, and let them know you’ve given details to a friend, and that it’s booked and they can’t change your mind.
If you get into trouble, you’ll wish you had told them. Maybe you probably could still turn off Life360, but check in with your friend regularly and often. Trust me, when you have your own children, you will understand your parents’ anxiety.
NAH, but I’d be clear with your friend what is expected of them if something happens to you. If you don’t answer for 1 day, do you want them to tell your parents? The police? Do you want them to wait at least 2 days before telling anyone? It can be stressful to be the one responsible for making sure you’re okay while traveling, but not knowing the expectation when you don’t respond. I’m in an LDR and travel regularly to visit my partner and friends. Sometimes, you get caught up and forget to text or call for a day. Let your friend know when you want them to do something and what you want them to do.
INFO: How long have you been with your partner? Have you met him in person before? Have you come to the US before?
These are all factors which would impact my decision.
You’re NTA for not telling them, but I do hope that you’ve thought this through completely.
ETA: From OPs edit, “1.5 years, met him before, never been to US.”
I don’t think you’re an asshole for not telling them, but I would caution that you be prepared for consequences or fall out that will inevitably come.
NTA but that’s super dangerous to not let anyone know where you’re going. Is there anyone else you can tell your plans to?
Kinda TAH, but not really…
I think you should tell your family in case of emergency (injury, sickness, stuff stolen and left with nothing, whatever).
What you’re considering to do is dangerous, and unfair to your family.
Info: Have you ever met this partner in person before? By the sounds of it you’re in a Long-Distance Relationship, but I can’t see anything that says you have met with them before. You also haven’t mentioned the amount of time you have been dating.
In my opinion, this is something I would not keep a secret. With the way things are in America, you are better off having this conversation because there are risks.
You don’t have to be specific, but you should mention you are going before you get there. If something were to happen to you (touching wood), at least your parents would not be completely blindsided.
It’s your life and you can do as you wish, but I don’t think keeping something like this secret will end well if they find out. It is also a lot to expect of your friend, especially if something does go wrong.
At some point you need to address how overbearing they are, but this is not the way to go about it.
Never travelled before but you chose the country about to fall into civil war where they are taking people off the street and putting them into hidden prisons ?
With what is going on right now at least send them your itinerary once you board the plane just in case
NTA but possibly a little immature in your approach. If your parents have trust issues, lying to them won’t help. If your parents have safety concerns about visiting a country that currently will happily detain its own citizens never mind foreign visitors, that’s honestly valid right now, especially if you are a poc. You still get to make your own decisions, but part of being an adult is standing by the decisions you do make, not hiding them, avoiding difficult conversations and keeping secrets. Good luck & enjoy your trip.
If you just disappear and shut off the family tracker, they will be beside themselves. Go but tell them when you’re there or text at least from the airport. As a mom I would be worried sick if my 25 yo just disappeared.