I’m F(25). My brother is M(40).
Our dad died when I was 12, and my brother said he would be a father to me. But even before that, I was extremely close to him. I was the baby, the favorite. We even had nicknames only we used (and still do).
Last year, after graduating college, I moved to be closer to my girlfriend and continue my career. My brother lives there and had a spare room he already planned for me, so I moved in.
I’ll be honest: my career stalled. I’ve been doing freelance work, helping a LOT with his Airbnb, doing social media/design jobs. We share bills50/50, I clean and cook, I don’t cause problems. Still, professionally, I’ve been stuck, and according to him that “boils his blood.”
Yesterday everything exploded. He said if I didn’t change my life immediately, starting the next day, he’d kick me out. We argued, my mom was on the call, I said I’d change. I spent literally 9 hours straight fixing my LinkedIn, résumé, and applying to jobs.
Later that same day, over something unrelated (me very politely asking him to pay me my share of the Airbnb, as agreed), he snapped again and kicked me out for real. Said he’d rent my room that same day and I could maybe stay in his office for up to a month. I begged for a week. He agreed.
I completely broke down. Cried for hours. He sent me a 9-minute voice message saying he could hear me crying and that I needed to stop being dramatic and “swallow my crying.”
In basically every fight, he says everyone agrees with him. That my family thinks I’m lazy, annoying, a burden. That my friends think the same. He says everyone who knows me feels this way.
Today, he did what he always does: acted like nothing happened. Made me breakfast. Talked normally. No apology. Almost like I wasn’t kicked out anymore?? IDK
This is a clear pattern. He explodes, says really cruel shit, then circles back being nice. My mom keeps saying “you know how he is” or “tomorrow he’ll be calmer.” She says he loves me and only talks like that because he cares. She thinks I’m being dramatic for saying this isn’t something I’ll forget easily.
I’m tired of always being the one expected to forgive. Why is it always on me to forgive and never on him to earn it? I’m 100% sure that if asked, he’d say he did nothing and doesn’t need to apologize.
For context: during another argument recently, I literally fainted. While I was on the floor, he said that proved I’m weak. Later I spent over an hour trying to make him see why that was wrong.
My girlfriend is furious on my behalf. She says I forgive way too easily (true) and that this pattern won’t change. She thinks this crossed a line and I need to leave. My mom is on the opposite extreme: forgive and forget no matter what.
Right now I’m focused on finding a job and a place to live. I have two cats that are my babies, which makes leaving harder. If it weren’t for them, I’d have left immediately.
So… would I be the asshole if I didn’t forgive him?
edit: he is also unemployed, for almost an year as well, living off the airbnb and savings m
This isn’t really the point of this sub, this is a personal conflict. Yeah obviously your brother is being emotionally abusive. He can set conditions for you staying with him or a timeline to leave without tearing you down as a person. With that said you don’t sound like you can afford to support yourself and aren’t invited to live with your gf. Not sure why you’d approach your brother for money he owed you the same day he was threatening you? Take ownership of your situation, get any job that you can and stack the freelance and design gigs on top. Split somewhere cheap with your gf, if she doesn’t want to cohabitate stop planning your life around her location. Once you don’t need any handouts you will have zero reason to tolerate the abuse. Stop focusing on what he has done to you and put all your time and energy on next steps.
NTA
Your brother is the passive aggressive kind of abusive. I would start looking at places for you and your girlfriend to stay on your own. I suspect your brother wants you dependant on his charity, and one of his ways of controlling you is threatening to kick you out.
You DON’T have to be one to forgive him everytime and you CAN make him earn yours. I recently read this book on emotional maturity and one of the things the author discusses is the concept of forgiveness. If someone hurts you whether they say sorry or not doesn’t and should have any effect on how quickly you feel comfortable forgiving their actions and moving forward. You don’t have to dangle the carrot of forgiveness in front of them but you don’t have to let them bully you into moving past hurt feelings sooner than you are ready to especially when it is someone who has a history is being verbally abusive towards you. Old wounds run deep.
This sounds exactly like how my mom treated me when I was your age and now she wonders why we aren’t close.
It sounds to me like he won’t actually kick you out but he does enjoy mentally and emotionally tormenting you, and that’s an easy lever for him to pull.
You don’t have to forgive him. But if what you want is for him to feel sorry and apologize for how he’s treated you, you should know that will probably never happen.
You will only find peace once he doesn’t have power over you anymore.
A real job can help with that
Worked for me lol. Im in the wrong sub I thought this was relationship advice.
I feel like there is a lot left untold of this story in your favour…
NTA. Whatever your brother has done to support you in your life, OP, he is emotionally and mentally abusive, and this is not a safe place for you. Focus on getting out.
Telling you that everyone who knows you hates you and thinks you’re weak is incredibly manipulative. Holding out on paying you agreed upon money from the AirB&B is manipulative. Blowing up at you and then pretending everything is normal is manipulative.
The only point against you here, OP, is that you appear to be holding out for the jobs you want or at least jobs in your field. You need to get out of your brother’s home, and that means you need to take whatever will pay the bills. If your brother was actually supportive, you could try to stay in the art/design/freelance space like you want, but is his financial support worth staying in that manipulative environment? No.
I have other thoughts for discussion, OP. I struggle to understand how your GF gets a vote here if she’s not in a position to take you in temporarily, and I have reservations about moving to be closer to her and brother if this location isn’t actually working out for work. It’s nice that she’s supportive of your emotional health here, but getting furious on your behalf is nothing. It’s the “thoughts and prayers” of support. It’s fine if she can’t support you directly by taking you in or moving in with you, but helping you find a place to move out to immediately and safely is something she can be throwing some effort into, as is surveying friends who might be able to help, helping in the just-for-now job hunt.
And then there’s location. This place works for you, socially (kinda). Brother and his room for you was here. Your girlfriend was here. Jobs are not though. You see that right? Brother and girlfriend are here and that makes it convenient, but if the jobs aren’t there, you may need to go to where they are. Circling back around to the jobs point, if you can’t get the job you want here, you either need to get the job you can and stay in this location, or get the job you want elsewhere. It sucks that this is the choice you’re looking at, and I don’t have a good answer for you.
NTA and you don’t have to forgive him. But you do need to move out. Search online for a place looking for a roommate that you can afford, or a place renting a single room in a house. You need to get out of there and there’s no use arguing with your brother, it’s his house and he doesn’t want you there anymore and you don’t have a right to it. Ask if you can crash with your girlfriend in the meantime and look hard for a job and a new place
A soft ESH leaning towards nta – you’ve been living with your brother for a full year with pets, you cook clean and help with some bills so I’ve heard of worse family squatters before. But your brothers had to put his life on pause from the sounds of it and he’s reached his limit. Does that excuse or make his actions okay. Not in the slightest, your moms trying to keep the last remnants of your family together so can’t blame or excuse her.
It’s a bad situation all around, best I can say get yourself set up, job place to live and the like and give it a year or two to calm down before trying again.
I think the big thing that everyone seems to misunderstand is that forgiveness is for yourself, not the other person. It’s letting go of your own resentment so they stop festering in your head and taking up valuable space and resources from your own wellbeing. It does not mean letting the other person continue their behavior without repercussions
ESH. I’m sorry your dad died, but your brother is not your dad. He doesn’t owe it to you to provide you a roof over your head while your career stalls indefinitely. If you are repeatedly having these arguments that result in him yelling at and insulting you and you having a fainting spell or mental breakdown, it is well past time for you to move out, this living situation is not healthy for either of you.
The reason why he acts like nothing happened the next day is that he wants you to leave but can’t actually throw you out. You say you have cats and they are the only reason you are staying. You are his cat—he’s frustrated with everything but can’t bear to pull the trigger on what is ultimately the best move for both of you and kick you out. So you need to take action or just expect this situation to continue to spiral.
ESH
>> I’m tired of always being the one expected to forgive.
Well… you’re the one who’s not self sufficient so you can either suck it up in whatever situation you’re in or leave.
Yeah. Your brother is an AH for behaving this way. Your mom is an AH for seemingly not being a parent (at least in this post). You’re an AH for taking in cats when you can’t support yourself.
YTA for a couple reasons:
1. You have 2 cats that you take care of, but you cant even take care of yourself financially. The fact that you are using the cats as an excuse not to move, ridiculous. I waited until I was financially secure before I had my fur babies- it’s the same as children.
2. You KNOW for a fact that “freelance” work never pans out. That is for people that are ESTABLISHED. You can always do a simple stay at home data entry job, even with your “panic attacks”.
3. You say you are close to your brother, and yet he treats you like this? You are doing yourself a disservice being in his household! Do you not have respect for yourself?
What about staying with your girlfriend? Why move to be near her, and live off of your brother? You need to take a look at yourself, what are you even work towards?????