Hi! So good friends asked me and my fiancé if we could help them move on a Saturday. Of course we agreed. Their old apartment was 2,5 car hours away from us, their new one only 30 mins.
The weekend of the move was also pretty packed for us, we were invited to a big 30th birthday party of a very good friend of ours on friday night and I also had a 24hr shift in the hospital in line for Sunday.
A week before the move we were informed that another helping person from our city wanted to pick us up with his car so that there weren’t so many cars involved. But our friends of course wanted to start early with the move and the person picking us up wanted to do so at 6am. So we would need to get up at 5am.
I am a bit bad with boundaries and I generally have people pleasing tendencies, but I just couldn’t see myself being on a 30th birthday until late night (the friend planned a big and well thought-out party, me and my fiance didn’t want to leave early), then getting up at 5am and helping with the move until evening, then having a 2,5hr drive back just to work 24hrs on Sunday. So I asked the moving friends one week beforehand if our help is needed for the entirety of the move or if we could just come to the city they move to to help unload and assemble the furniture. My fiancé also suggested that he could help on Sunday as well.
Their reactions were a little confusing. First they said they counted on us to be there the whole move. I understand that we generally agreed to help, so I said fine, if you need us there we will be there without a doubt. Then they called my fiancé and suggested that only he should come and I could stay home. But he disliked the idea and said that we both will come or neither.
In the end they basically said "nevermind, we found others to help, you don’t need to come at all".
My first impulse was to say that we would really love to help and if we could just come as well, but instead I just said alright, just hit us up if you need help in the new apartment after all.
The move is over and they were quiet since.
AITA here? I’m not really sure regarding the "generally agreeing to help with the move and then just able to help partially"-situation.
ESH. You should have said no in the beginning, and they shouldn’t have expected someone to drive two and a half hours to help them move.
I wouldn’t necessarily say that you are TA, but it does seem that your friends learned how reliable you actually are and are acting accordingly. Adults manage their own expectations.
ESH. You should have made your busy schedule clear from the beginning. You either knew or you should have known that you had plans on both Friday and Sunday so your time would be limited on Saturday. Your friends suck for just expecting you to be leaving at 6 AM and refusing any and all help that didn’t include that.
I don’t think OP’s time is even that limited on Saturday. OP could have helped from 9 to 5, just not starting at 6am like their friend suddenly decided to demand. I can’t think of anything I would get up at 6am for unless it would literally save someone’s life.
NtA. A five hour round-trip for a full day of moving starting at 5 am is way more than anyone should ever ask of their friends. Ive helped
a lot of people move and people usually come by for an hour or two when they can and that is highly appreciated because
moving is torture.
ESH. 2.5 hours away is a lot to ask. Technically, if someone was picking you up to drive 2.5 hours away, couldn’t you just wake up at 545am and sleep during the drive? Wouldn’t it make more sense to have more cars to move more things or were they also renting a truck? With your schedule, it should have been an immediate No at the first ask. Helping them unload things was a reasonable offer.
Past a certain age, it’s best to hire movers so your friendships and lower backs can remain intact.
NTA…You’re not hired help. If they don’t want to hire movers, they need to accept what people can offer. Even if you were just able to help unload at the new place, it would be a great help. They’re missing out and they’ll regret it.
How old are they? because if late 20’s or in their 30s you hire people, and 2.5hr drive is a huge ask. Any free help should be appreciated. Meeting and unpacking/loading is plenty. they could hire help to pack, or rent a container. they pack it->it’s moved, and they unpack it.
NTA. Saying “sure I’ll help you move” does not come with the implied assumption that it’s going to start at 6am. That’s a very different ask.
I would’ve suggested that your fiance catch a ride with the friend (assuming he wanted to do this), and you’d help set up at the new place.
Friends should understand that a 24 shift is a monster, and be respectful of that. You offered to help. You established the boundaries of what that help could be. Your friends got irritated because your free assistance wasn’t being given on their terms.
Sucks to be them. NTA
I usually find it best to set the parameters from the outset: “We’d love to help. We have an obligation Friday night and I’m working a 24-hour shift on Sunday, but we can be available that Saturday from 10am until 8pm. Just let us know what you need us to do!”.
NTA.
As a side note, one of the best things about being middle-aged is that no one asks you to help them move.
NTA. Expecting someone to wake up that early to help you move is ridiculous
“So I asked the moving friends one week beforehand if our help is needed for the entirety of the move or if we could just come to the city they move to to help unload and assemble the furniture.”
Your mistake was asking. You should have told them you could help with the unloading only. Did they still want your help? Normally I’d say you should have been clear from the beginning, but it sounds like plans changed a week before the move and you asked right after this as you should have. When you do someone a favor you get to set the limits of that favor and they get to accept or decline. Which is what happened here. NAH.