My mother is in her 60s, Im (F30) and my brother is (M29).
Hes always been extremely sheltered and treated like hes fragile. I started working at 16 and have always had a job since then. I’ve worked full time since age 20 or so. My brother got his first job at the ripe age of *26* after our father passed away and my mother could not pay the bills on her own. It was part time, and he quit after about 6 months. Went a long time unemployed again, and now works part time for the past few months. Hes lived here his whole life, and I moved out for a few years but ultimately moved back for both my mother and I. He does not have a driver’s license, has never tried to get more than a learners permit, and so we are in charge of getting him to and from work and appointments.
Here’s the conflict. Im at a point where Im beyond over this kid not doing anything and my mother and I picking up the slack. She works 6 days a week to pay bills and he refuses to get a full time job because that would cut into his gaming time. I cant even bring it up with him or its a whole dramatic thing. I have more bills myself than I can afford so I can only help her when its really bad.
She feels so sad that he has no problem sitting by and watching her work herself to death to scrape by and not do something to help. However, she wont do anything to make him change.
So I’ve wiped my hands of the situation. Im not going out of my way anymore to pick him up/drop him off except to help *her* out. Im not changing my schedules around to accommodate getting him anywhere he needs to be. Uber exists. Im not covering any bills he should be covering because hes got all the extra money and no bills.
Tonight, as Im informing my mother of an appointment I have this week, she starts talking about him having an appointment the same day blah blah and I cut her off and said "Look, Im going to be so honest in saying I couldnt care less about his appointment". And this was probably harsh, but real. If hes got an appointment and neither of us are available then too bad?? Uber?? She finally expressed to me that "Yeah I know, you are cruel towards your brother." Let me be clear that I am not verbally or emotionally cruel to him, we have a good relationship because Ive given up trying to get through to him. Shes only talking about my not wanting to take him on as a responsibility.
So, I don’t know. Am I cruel for not doing all of these things for him? Am I supposed to just accept this and fill in all the gaps? Am I supposed to take care of him for the rest of his life once my mom cant anymore? AITA for doing what I see as, pushing him to be a responsible adult?
NTA, and move out. You say you’ve moved back in to help your mother out. She’s an adult. She can absolutely afford to take care of herself. What she can’t afford is a grown ass adult using her. But she’s allowing it, so stop helping. This is the consequences of her own actions.
NTA. I think you should tell her that she is the cruel one for enabling her son to remain a child and you will not be perpetuating that mistake. Maybe it makes her feel still needed as a mother but that’s not doing your brother any favors in the long run. Drop the rope. Create a good life for yourself.
NTA
She’s created her own villain allowing this in her home. I know this has to be heartbreaking, but you can’t help her if she won’t let you. It’s not cruel to no longer deal with him.
Tell her your not nearly as cruel to him as he is to her.
You won’t go out of your way to help him. He’s actively and knowingly making her life harder.
Frankly I’d say you’re not nearly “cruel” enough. I wouldn’t do anything for him. Not even to help her. Helping her prevents her from forcing her to take action with him.
Make sure everyone know exactly what he’ll be getting from you once she’s gone. She still has time to help him grow up before she’s gone.
NTA. You’re through with enabling his maladaptive behaviors. If she wants to continue to do so, that is her privilege; but she has not business calling you cruel because you don’t want to.
You’ve both been enabling him. Just stop… if he’s ever going to live a normal self-sufficient life you both have to back all the way off. No more help, money, rides, etc. NTA if you stop.
Maybe try phrasing it to her as “I can’t stand by and watch him be cruel to *you*, mom. The way he treats you makes me angry and you don’t deserve to be treated that way.”
Make it about what she deserves and not about him and you at all.
NYA. You’re not cruel. By any stretch of the imagination. But this is an *extremely* unhealthy home environment for all of you.
Nta but leave. That comment proves she is enabling him and expecting you to fix it. Go live your own life away from the bullshit.
NTA but they both need a reality check. Your mom has coddled him to the point of learned helplessness and laziness.
I’d lay it out for her. He’s almost 30. He’s not a child he’s an almost 30 year old man with no full time job, no license, who lives off of her and has her pay all his bills and take care of him.
I’d ask her what she expects to happen once she passes. Because if she leaves whatever assets she has to him without ever forcing him to be responsible, then he’s gonna end up broke and homeless within a year or less. Make sure she knows that you absolutely will not be stepping in to care for a grown man as if he was still a child.
These are lessons she should have enforce when he was still a minor and now she needs to push him hard and without any leeway if she wants any hope of him being a functional adult before she passes away.
A parent’s whole job is to teach their children to be responsible, functional adults and she failed miserably. She shouldn’t expect anyone else to take care of him or bail him out.
NTA. If anything, your mom’s the one harming him. She has done him an enormous disservice by coddling an enabling him for the last 29 years. The real kindness would be to cut him off and let him figure out how to take care of himself as a responsible, functional adult.
You need to move back out and live your life. You and your mother are enabling your brother, and your mother is going to die, and in turn you are going to be stuck taking care of him until you die. Fly the nest. Let them dance their little dance without you in it.
Regarding your mother, how does someone raise a kid (or NOT raise him) to not be responsible for himself? How can he be gamer (which is NOT inexpensive) without having a job?
Your mother has failed as a parent.
NTA
Actually, your mother is the cruel one for treating him like a Fabergé egg for 29 years. He has no motivation to do anything because he doesn’t HAVE to do anything. He knows how to do nothing because he’s never been taught to do anything.
NTA.