Hi! I’m confused about a recent situation and need help navigating it. I (20M) am falling out with my longtime friend Candice (21F). We’ve been best friends since freshman year of high school, and later formed a close trio with Chelsea (20F). Candice often took on a mothering/mediator role, and Chelsea and I leaned on her for advice. My friendship with Chelsea was never quite as close as mine with Candice, and I sometimes worried that was my fault.
After graduating, we all went to the same community college, but schedules made group hangouts harder. We still spent time together one-on-one, though Candice grew increasingly upset about canceled plans and felt Chelsea was pulling away. I tried to give Chelsea the benefit of the doubt and be flexible.
Near the end of the semester, we were hanging out at my place while Candice talked about relationship issues. She went quiet while trying to find the words, and during the silence Chelsea joked about a figure in my room. I showed it to Candice, which upset her, she felt we weren’t listening. I reassured her and summarized what she’d said, but she shut down, moved away to do homework, and Chelsea and I quietly changed the subject.
About ten minutes after leaving, Candice sent a long message to our group chat saying she felt disrespected and wasn’t sure she wanted to stay friends. Chelsea and I apologized right away, reassured her we care, and said we’d be more mindful. I also told her she could take space if she needed time to cool off. Candice responded saying that she did notice we tried to make her feel better but at that point it was too late to which we promptly apologized again.
A day later, here’s where I may be the asshole. I sent a third apology text to the group chat to reassure Candice that our friendship doesn’t change in my eyes and that I’m here if she needs to chat things through but Candice texted me individually asking that if we were such close friends, why I didn’t feel the need to apologize to her again in our private text thread. She also said that I do this all the time and that Chelsea feels the same way with how I’m always derailing conversations. On top of this, she felt like I was trying to force her to accept my apology by being aggressive with the amount of apology texts I was sending. I was really hurt by this interaction but I reassured her I still cared but also asked for my own space to process things.
I decided to ask Chelsea if I had an unknown bad habit of derailing conversations and apologized if I was a terrible friend and she reassured me that she doesn’t have any issues or notice me doing that, she did ask me if I didn’t care about her as a friend to which I replied of course I do. She then said she has something she’d like to tell me but said she’s not sure if she wants to share because she doesn’t want me to hate her. I was caught off guard and asked for time to think about that. So now I’m here wondering if I’m the asshole and what I should do next.
I’m going with NAH. Candice is in her feels and might in fact not accept your apology. Your apologies seem genuine. Unfortunate situation but it happens.
You will be the AH if you continue to contact Candice at this point. Ball is in her court.
Should I also follow up with Chelsea? I’m nervous about what she has to say or why what she has to share would make me hate her?
You should find out, otherwise is will drive you nuts. But go in with an open mind.
I’d follow up with her with an open mind for what she has to say. Be warned but I think it’d be hard for you to continue the friendship knowing she’s hiding some thought etc about you that is so awful she thinks you’ll hate her.
I don’t know Candice’s deal. I would just give her space. You apologized, let her reach out to you. As far as Chelsea like WTF is she going to say?
NAH. Firstly, you’re not forcing her to accept it. Give Candice time and space to think things through, but you haven’t done anything wrong.
She’s allowed to ask for space to be completely by herself, and while yes, you should’ve apologized privately, it wasn’t an asshole move to do so.
Let her cool off and then have a proper conversation with her where you both share how you feel/felt during that. It can really hurt to be vulnerable and have the people you’re being vulnerable to suddenly act like they haven’t been listening, even though you had been. It’s ultimately her choice to continue being friends. Let her know privately to tell you if you can talk about it in person whenever she feels like she is able to and leave her alone. Don’t push and make sure to listen wholly to her during the conversation.
Is the “figure” you showed her relevant?
YTA. Yep, telling someone its ok if they need time then immediately re-entering the convo is AH and does feel like you just want them to accept and move on which contradicts what you previously said.
FYI, using a new friend to discredit what an old friend thinks of your action is a bad move. They literally know you less.
yeah, the “take space” line means take space, not send apology part 3
Three apologizes is a bit much for one thing but I don’t know you acted out of malice. She may or may not accept your apology in her own time. Give her space and next time someone is sharing and quiet just wait and let the silence sit. No assholes here. Chelsea might have a crush on you or she might be bothered by something but if it was really important or pressing she would probably have told you at the time
So she said she would like to tell you something but was afraid you might hate her, and you basically said no. I would say you might have a tendency to derail a conversation. I apologize once. It is just a good practice. Some people expect you to apologize over and over and that is an indication that they are not accepting your apology and it is time to move on. This is the opposite, why did you feel the need to keep apologizing if you were not pushing for a response. I’m sorry but I can see where she is coming from. Light YTA, because I do think the many apologies are about you, not her. You said you would give her space but didn’t. It isn’t a huge deal to me but it was to her. Leave it alone and follow up with what your friend wants to tell you. By saying no, you kinda said that you might hate her if you didn’t like what she was saying. A lot of this is a guy/girl thing, we think differently but you chose 2 female BFF’s
NAH- it’s really common to start falling out with friends in your early twenties, as much as it hurts. You’ve moved into adulthood territory and are now growing in more individual directions. It sounds like maybe there’s some compatibility issues with your growth.
As for whether to find out what Chelsea wants to share- ask what her goal is first. Does she want to share because there’s something she’s wanting you to change, or is this more of getting something off her chest that might upset you? Discerning our intentions and end goal is a good way to determine whether something should be shared or not. If she’s trying to confess something that she thinks will make you hate her, then circle back to the goal. Sometimes the goal is to get a change to happen. If it’s just for her to feel better, then is she doing it at your expense?
Either way, finding other friends isn’t a terrible idea, particularly with Candice’s odd ideas for what makes an appropriate apology- she sent something in the group chat, you responded. To assume you weren’t sorry because you didn’t go private is weird.
I am erring towards YTA. you seem to be looking at it all from only your side.
your friend who you said has been a good support to everyone in the friend group needed some emotional support herself, and her friends not only started talking about something else mid way through but was joking about. of course that’s going to make her feel invalidated.
I get the impression that you are apologising without really knowing what you are apologising for. you want your friendship back, things back to normal. But by doing this you are not listening to your friend. She doesn’t want public apologies, she wants you to listen to her. she wants you to see her as a person and not just part of your friendship group.
instead of asking your other friend, why don’t you actually talk to her one to one, in person?