EDIT: her mentioning it to me IS her asking me to keep it down/stop, which i’ve attempted to do. i just texted her about going to his place more, to which she responded “ok thank you” which to me feels like that was the only solution in her head, since she has mentioned the noise every time since first saying something. apologies for any confusion.
my roommate and i have been living in a 3-story townhouse for 2 years. we’ve never had any issues, until a few weeks ago when she let me know she could hear my bed making a “thudding” sound. she even mentioned that it woke her up once. i apologized profusely and feel really bad about it, especially since she then let me know she could hear it the entire year that my bf and i have been together. she did say she can only hear the thudding and nothing else.
in response, i said i am quite embarrassed and wish she’d said something way sooner but will try not to let it happen again. he comes over 1-2 times a week, and since we’re in school w/ jobs it’s usually between 7pm-10am. she also mentioned that she has no problem with him being over otherwise.
it is important to note that he is 245lbs, doesn’t exactly take light steps, and when he/we move around my bed while not having sex it can make quite a bit of noise too. i always remind him (even before this incident) to be mindful of his volume.
we moved my bed away from my wall, and try to stop as soon as either of us hear any noise. we have also tried just not being on the bed. i have a white noise machine that i use daily anyways so we have ALWAYS turned it on quite loud to block out any other noises. as far as common spaces, i don’t allow him to be downstairs without me, and try to minimize the time we are so my roommates don’t feel like there’s a 5th roommate.
since she first said something, despite all my efforts, she has mentioned the thudding sound like 3 times. i feel terrible, i genuinely want to fix it, but i also don’t think it’s fair to essentially not allow my bf and i to have sex at all. we both agree that our sex life has declined a bit since then because we are so worried about being quiet. i also find it unfair that she chose to say something a full year later, especially when our lease ends in just a couple months and we’ll be moving out.
an obvious solution would be for me to stay at my bf’s apartment more often. this is an option, however, we both prefer my place for several reasons like his often reeks of weed from his roommate which makes me nauseous, his roommate and his room are wall-to-wall so it’s even harder to just speak in there without causing a disturbance, etc etc.
we will likely be doing this more, but i just want some other opinions on this whole situation in general. i am not the type to walk all over others or be inconsiderate, which shows through me trying to find solutions and having used the noise machine in the first place. however, i just don’t know what else to do, and i don’t intend on not having sex with my bf who i’m going to be long distance with soon. i also don’t want to continue disturbing her/for things to become awkward. am i being unreasonable? and if anyone has tips on making sex quieter…
> i also don’t think it’s fair to essentially not allow my bf and i to have sex at all.
She’s not disallowing you from having sex, and it doesn’t sound like she’s even asked you to stop. She’s just mentioning that she can hear it. What is “unfair” about that?
> an obvious solution would be for me to stay at my bf’s apartment more often. this is an option, however, we both prefer my place for several reasons like his often reeks of weed from his roommate which makes me nauseous, his roommate and his room are wall-to-wall so it’s even harder to just speak in there without causing a disturbance, etc etc.
Sure, then cause disturbances at your own place and live with your roommate mentioning it.
Why would that be unfair? I wouldn’t want to hear my roommates having sex either. A white noise machine is not going to cover up thudding noises.
I’m not sure there is conflict here. You don’t think it’s fair she mentions she can hear you and your bf thumping around. She is just letting you know you’re being loud, not shaming you or telling you you’re not allowed sex.
i think you’re making conflict when there really isn’t one? she said she could hear it but didn’t say to stop or anything. you even mentioned that she said it woke her up ONCE… it doesn’t really seem like a big deal to your roommate, she’s just letting you know she can hear it.
she more than likely probably wants you to figure out what’s causing the loud thumping to decrease it lol, if the bed isn’t touching the wall, maybe the bedframe needs to be more sturdy idk lmao.
Yup. Not everyone wants to take part of that intimacy. Do something with your bed
YTA. Nobody wants to be disturbed by the knowledge that their roommates (or anyone for that matter) is going at it. If you cannot find a way to make your sexual activities undetectable, then you must settle for having sex at your boyfriend’s. It’s shouldn’t be her problem that you’d prefer not to have sex at his house.
Is your roommate actually complaining, or is she just mentioning she can hear you? I think listening to your roommate having sex is a pretty standard part of sharing a house.
I think also long as you aren’t having loud sex in the middle of the night, you should be fine.
Light YTA
NAH: It sounds like you’ve been considerate and have taken some reasonable measures to minimize noise. That’s not solving the problem, so your neighbor is just gonna have to deal with it.
I get where your neighbor is coming from, but complete silence is not a reasonable expectation in certain living situations. Being able to hear your upstairs neighbors is one of the downsides of living below someone.
I feel like this is a NAH/e s h situation.
She waited a whole year before mentioning something to you. Sounds like she was biting her tongue and finally it boiled over and she’s over it now.
In your comments you equate her mentioning it to you as her telling you not to have sex. That’s not what she’s doing. She doesn’t care if you fuck your boyfriend, she cares if it’s waking her up. I think that now that she’s said something; now she feels more comfortable being honest with you about the situation.
I think you’re underselling how loud you guys might be. Your bf is a big man.
I lived in an apartment in college with the thinnest walls and the loudest beds you could imagine. Roommate rules were to minimize noise and if at all possible fuck when nobody else is home. Obviously not possible for everyone but if you’re constantly going at it when she’s trying to sleep perhaps do it when she’s not there.
i agree with you that i might be underselling lol, but she said herself that its a “light” thudding and that its gotten less loud as we’ve taken precautions. thanks for ur comment!
Try shock absorbing footers for a washing machine under each foot of the bed.
How late are you having sex? You could be having it before she goes to sleep if he’s there by 7 pm
Sounds through solid structures like floors and walls are stronger than atmospheric noises. Get some rubber pads for under the legs of the bed & an area rug to help muffle the furniture noises.
Everyone responding to this thread and not mentioning swapping bedrooms is verging on winning the muscular ring.
If sex upstairs make the person downstairs annoyed and always has, then swap who is upstairs.