So I’d been planning a trip from FL to NY for over 3 months to see my grandmother that has been through it between surgeries and illness. Around the month before the trip mark I decided to reach out to my cousins and see if we could get all the grandkids in one spot for her for a single lunch. Everyone seemed to be in agreement so I organized the entire thing, created a group chat to keep everyone updated, and then just kept working things out every day up until it was time to make the trip. I drove 1200 miles up from Florida, still making sure all the plans were solid and we didn’t have any hiccups, I saw some good friends up until it was time for that lunch. Fast forward to the day before the lunch and BOTH of my cousins pull out entirely, stating that it’s just " too much driving, and extra money to spend" Mind you I offered to pay for their lunch, all they had to do was drive, which I felt wasn’t a huge ask considering I just drove 1200 miles to get there, and it was also one of their birthdays so they were all linking up locally anyway. Now one of them lives 2 hours away, the other one lives 20 minutes away. when I brought this up I was told " we haven’t seen grandma in 13 years she’s not really our priority" To which I responded with " well then I guess neither of you are my priority " and promptly left the group chat. The younger of the two that seemed more excited to see me has now made me out to be the bad guy saying I "prioritized my friends over family" because I refused to make time for him afterwards. . . I feel like I’m in the right here, but he insists I’m wrong lmfao
Nta, you’re just giving them back the same energy they gave you.
NTA.
I learned in the military, people are always buddy buddy when you come home to visit. But when you are near, they never want to come visit you. Always an excuse. Never changes.
NAH they have independent relationships with your grandmother, 13 years is a long time to not see someone who is less than 2 hours away. They should have told you earlier they weren’t interested in a family reunion. They’re not required to see her, you’re not required to see them. It’s a bit odd for you to make a relationship with you contingent on your grandmother, but the entire family dynamics sound odd.
They’re certainly not required to see their grandmother but they also weren’t required to tell OP that they WOULD and reaffirm this over a month only to pull out the day before. The cousins are the AHs for not being upfront about never wanting to go in the first place IMO
None of us get to see each other that much, and I figured this would be an awesome time to get us all in one spot, get some good pictures make some memories. Everyone was in agreement until the day before. Like if you’re going to flake out at least give me more notice and don’t be rude about it when I say I don’t have time to make other plans after.
NTA. IF they’d turned down the lunch in the first place, I would say that you’re overreacting, but letting you plan the lunch remotely and bailing only the day before was too much. If they’d turned it down to begin with I wouldn’t have had much of a problem with it because you could have made alternate plans. The twenty minute drive is no big deal, but I understand why your cousin wouldn’t want to drive four hours (round trip) just for a lunch date. I don’t get what your younger cousin is talking about because you did make time for him. He’s the one who refused to make time for you.
NTA.
Honestly, it doesn’t sound as if you were very close with your cousins, at least not recently. I’d be pissed, too, if I were you, but in the end you’re not missing out on much. Your kids don’t need to really know those cousins or your cousins’ kids if they’re going to pick up on that attitude towards you from them. Wow. I hope that sentence makes sense. 🙂
NTA. It’s really rude to flake on someone like they did, and your reaction is very justified. They had months to let you know they weren’t into it and instead they let you do all the work before cancelling last minute – completely disregarding your feelings, your grandma’s feelings, and all the work you’d put in to organize it. They treated you like crap.
NTA how could you think you are? The one couldn’t drive 20 minutes to see their grandmother?
This is a classic “let them” situation. They don’t want to be bothered? OK. You don’t need to bother with them anymore as you now know who they are. If they want to think you’re the bad one? OK. Doesn’t matter, because you don’t need to be around them.
NTA.
If they hadn’t seen grandma in 13 years, they didn’t just suddenly decide she wasn’t a priority in the 2 days before the lunch. I certainly hope they didn’t agree just so you would make the trip, with the plan to see you separately from grandma.
Personally I prefer 1 on 1 visits to big “reunions” but in this case you’re only talking about 3 grandchildren meeting their grandmother for lunch. That certainly seems like a nice thing and your cousins are AH for bailing on you.
No reason to reward their selfishness by meeting with them when they can’t be bothered to visit grandma.
INFO:Did these cousins ever actually agree to come to this lunch? Or did you send the idea, and make all the plans, without confirming that they were in fact, going to attend?
It also sounds like you wanted to see your grandmother anyway, so however far you have the travel isn’t relevant, because you were going to be there anyway.
Everyone was in agreement, and when they decided to flake I even offered to pay for the lunch just to get them out there. I was trying to work it out until they said our grandmother isn’t a priority for them.
NTA, your cousin is the one not prioritizing family. If your cousin can’t drive 20 minutes to see your grandmother then that’s on them
NTA. Tell him, “I made time for you, and you bailed.”