I am a knitter and enjoy making all kinds of things, but for the most part, I knit things for me or my husband. I don’t have the heart to buy nice yarn, a pattern, and put hours into making something for someone just to watch it be treated like crap. I have no say over what others do with the things I give them so I just don’t.
My MIL said “I have a challenge for you, IF you’re up to it.” She pointed at a picture on her phone and said that the challenge was for me to make her a Sophie scarf that would match a dress.
I asked her, why is she framing it as a challenge when it’s just her asking me to knit something for her? She didn’t have an answer and just said if I’m up to the challenge I can give it a try.
I asked my husband what I should do. He said to just flat out tell her no. But I figured it would be nice to at least meet her halfway. I asked her to send me a picture of the dress and went to my yarn store to get yarn in a color I thought would be good and a pair of needles from my own stash. I got her a “learn to knit” book.
The next time I saw her I gave it all to her and said that here is all the stuff she would need to make her Sophie scarf, except the pattern she’d need to buy herself. She looked at it like what the heck and said in this pity voice “Oh you couldn’t figure it out?”
I said nope I’ve made myself a few. But I thought it would be better for her to learn how to knit and she would be able to challenge herself. She frowned at it but didn’t say anything else to me and just set the yarn aside.
She did however go to my husband and tell him that all she had done was give me a challenge but I hadn’t even tried. He heard her out but told her it was ultimately up to me. I have unfortunately seen her posting on her FB about how she doesn’t get my generation and why we have to make everything so difficult. I thought this would be an interesting question to pose to you all, so AITA?
NTA. Giving her the stuff to “challenge” herself was a brilliant idea.
NTA – I’m an experinced knitter. IIRC a Sophie scarf is like a first-project-beginner-level scarf, so it wasn’t like asking her to make a super intricate, textured project.
That said, my olive branch would have been “I don’t knit for other people but I’d be happy to teach you”
That’s exactly why OP is an AH too.
I knit too, OP’s response was petty and a waste of time and energy.
“said that the challenge was for me to make her a Sophie scarf that would match a dress.”
Her asking you specifically to make it
“it’s just her asking me to knit something for her”
You acknowledging that she is asking you to make something for her.
“He said to just flat out tell her no”
But you didn’t.
“I asked her to send me a picture of the dress”
A logical person would take this as you making the scarf that matched said dress.
“He heard her out but told her it was ultimately up to me”
But didn’t tell her that he originally suggested you just flat out tell her no? That’s fun.
“why we have to make everything so difficult.”
You literally made it difficult. YTA. You could have just flat out said no. Instead you went along and then tried to make a passive aggressive point. Next time clearly articulate a “NO” or don’t complain.
I’m in agreement with this. OP stayed engaged with this topic far longer than necessary and made it more complicated. Simply saying no from the beginning if not interested would have been the easy way to end the conversation and ensure it’s unlikely to come up again. Instead, she made it sound like she was interested in helping and brought up the topic again to ask for photos, etc. The book and supplies were a passive aggressive way to reject the request/challenge and had the potential to escalate things.
It would have been completely fine to turn down the request and just move on, but the way things happened were drawn out and well beyond a simple no. I’m not into the generational conflicts people like to bring up and don’t attribute it to that, but I admit that I also don’t understand OP’s behavior. Except, that it’s more likely that I’m in the same generation as OP, and not the MIL.
MIL framed it as a “challenge” as a manipulation tactic. As in “*I* think you can’t do this. Prove me wrong.”
Perhaps I am prejudiced, though, since my own MIL tried a similar tactic. “Here, you *claim* to be able to sew, alter this old suit of FIL’s to fit my son.” Trouble was twofold: 1) FIL was 3 or 4 inches shorter than my husband, and at the time, about 50 pounds heavier. I could have taken it in at the waist, but there was no way to lengthen the legs. 2) It was one of the most hideous fabrics I’ve ever seen. Tiny houndstooth check wool in dirty cream and shit brown. It made my skin crawl just to touch it.
ESH
A simple no would have sufficed.
Honestly, while you’re NTA overall, your response is annoying. You don’t want to spend time & money to make something that won’t be appreciated, so you spend time and money (admittedly less time) to give her something she won’t appreciate? There is NO way you thought she would appreciate this. This wasn’t about meeting her halfway, this was about you making a “fuck you” gesture because you’re annoyed at her. So YTA for pretending otherwise.
ESH You implied you were going to try to make it when you asked for a picture of the dress. It was extremely passive aggressive to buy the stuff and give it to her so she can learn to knit and then do it herself. You should have just said no.
ESH, mom picked the wrong way to ask, but you over complicated it by buying the stuff and telling her to learn to knit when you could have just said no and explained why. I’ve told people I would never knit for them because I don’t trust them to care for it.
She didn’t express an interest in knitting, she wanted you to make it, all you had to say was no. Buying all the supplies and giving it to her feels like you were going out of your way to make a point.
If I were her I would really confused why you bought me all this knitting equipment instead of just telling me no.
You could have also said “I’ve already made this pattern, so I don’t need the challenge.”
Either way, buying her the supplies just made things confusing and complicated when you could have just declined the “challenge”. Nothing wrong with saying no, I don’t want to.
ESH – should’ve just said no like your husband said. She’s weird, responding to passive aggressiveness with your own version is also weird. This wasn’t meeting half way, this was you trying to make a point.
ESH.
This whole interaction is freaking weird.
Your MIL making it into a “challenge” is freaking odd, but it feels fairly obvious to me that she’s insecure about asking you to make her a scarf directly. You and your husband clearly picked up on the fact that this is her way to ask you. Everyone’s got their little quirks or mannerisms when their uncomfortable asking for something. As an outsider it feels like she was just trying to be playful? I have older family members who do this whole “song and dance” instead of just asking for something plainly.
You could have just said no, or even *asked* if she’d like to learn instead.
But instead you buy her the materials and tell her to make it herself. **That’s incredibly passive aggressive.** It’s clear that she had no interest in learning how to knit herself.
So yeah, you did assist with making this situation weirder, when you could have just told her no.
Right? Everyone in the situation is weird af. Just say no or don’t do it and move on.
ESH. Her request was annoying, AND you should have just said no. That would have been easier and less wasteful than spending time and money buying her things that will never get used, just to make a point passive-aggressively. You can’t tell me with a straight face that saying no would have been harder than doing all this.