Using a throwaway account, since I wanted feedback but never post. So some background- I (Female, 29) met my husband about 3 years ago and found out early on in our relationship that he had some pending legal charges for a white collar crime he committed years before we met. He has brought nothing but joy and happiness to my life, so I decided to stand by him through this tough time, and 100% stand by my decision even through these hard 2 years of separation.
Fast forward- I was going through a lot of my own emotional turmoil leading up to, and soon after his surrender date. I just didn’t have the emotional capacity to process her infinite questions, doubts, and anxiety. My siblings all knew about our situation, but we were all worried about my mom’s response. So… when my husband started missing multiple outings and my mom started asking about it, I told her that he was away in Russia taking care of his sick aunt.
Now after I played that for a couple months, dealt with my own emotions and finally came to a place that I felt strong enough to handle her reaction, I decided to write her a very well thought out letter explaining everything. I knew she would be hurt, I acknowledged and apologized for that, and explained how I needed to protect my own well-being and process everything before taking care of others and their concerns. In this letter, I also specifically wrote out my boundaries based on what I know my mom would typically do as a response which would throw me over the edge.
Once my mom got this letter, she immediately wanted to get lunch. I told her I would need to wait a couple days because I was sick with the flu. She then invited herself to my apartment under the guise that she wanted to bring me soup. She stormed into my home (no soup), huffing and puffing about everything, and basically doing everything that I had told her in my letter that I couldn’t handle. She asked 500 questions and interrogated me until I was breaking down, sobbing on my couch.
When I begged her to please leave and pause this convo until I was physically well enough to have the conversation she said "well you don’t always get what you want". In a last ditch effort to escape a full blown mental breakdown, I started changing into clothes and preparing to leave my apartment fever and all. She then told me that even if I left, she wouldn’t go anywhere and we were going to talk about this "like adults". I told her no, she needed to leave, and she insisted that she would stay. I then had to threaten to call the police if she wouldn’t leave and she stomped her foot and had me call her an uber because she wasn’t paying $15 for this bullshit.
I completely understand why this hurts her. I knew from the beginning that not telling her right away would have it’s consequences, but I just was not mentally in a space to handle the transition I was going through as well as her emotions to it. So, AITA for not telling my mom my husband was in prison?
You need to work on not being a people pleaser. Start by changing the locks on your house so your mom can’t barge in. Then, get a video doorbell so you can tell her no without opening the door. Finally, learn how to say “no mom, I am not taking about this now” and hang up the phone or stop replying to her via the doorbell.
She obviously knows how to bully you since you got dressed to leave the house instead of insisting she leave. Then you paid her Uber instead of saying no, pay for it yourself, you came over her uninvited.
Time to find a therapist to learn how to stand up for yourself. She should have been kicked out way before you started crying over her verbal abuse.
I’m gonna go against the grain, YTA. Honestly, you lied for months did you think this would go over well? You went into your relationship with your eyes open and made the choice to be with your husband. That’s fine. Lieing to your mom was childish.
Grow up, deal with stuff when it happens. If you cant handle a relationship with your mom, don’t have one. You can’t have a relationship built on lies and then act like a victim when people react or overreact to your lies. You are not a child, your made adult decisions stand by them.