My dad \[57\] passed away unexpectedly from a heart attack 8 months ago. Less than three months after he died, my mom \[59\] started dating a mutual friend of theirs.
Things have moved quickly. She spent Thanksgiving with him over my brother who lives in town, and split Christmas Eve between myself and this guy, which obviously was painful given it was the first without Dad. They are getting engaged soon, she plans to be married by the end of this year, and her soon-to-be fiancé is apparently moving into my childhood home this summer.
Right after telling me about the engagement, my mom asked, “Maybe we can talk about whether you’d come to the wedding.” I was still processing and just said “maybe” because I didn’t know how to respond in the moment. I’ve been trying really hard not to say things I’ll regret in the heat of the moment.
That said, no part of me wants to attend. It feels emotionally impossible right now. I’m still grieving, and the idea of attending this wedding makes me feel sick to my stomach. It’d be less than 1.5 years since my dad passed.
I recently learned she’s even looking into using my brother’s wedding venue for her own wedding, which makes it that much more complicated.
I’m not trying to punish her or tell her she can’t move on… I just don’t feel capable of participating in it.
So, AITA if I decide not to attend my mother’s wedding?
You have a right to your grief and feelings. You are level headed enough to recognize the situation for what it is. Dont make any decisions now because in a few months you could feel different. Just wait to see how things play out and make the decision about going when it really needs to be made, like the morning of? Just make sure your mom knows there is a possibility of not making it there.
I’m so sorry for your loss OP, to have to manage your grief AND deal with this must be extremely difficult.
You are definitely NTA. It seems very insensitive of your mum in how she’s going about things. It makes me wonder if there wasn’t something between her and this mutual friend prior to your dad’s passing..
Everything seems to be moving very quickly for someone who just lost their husband of however many years – assuming a while?
Either way, she is an arsehole for how she is going about things but is technically within her right to move on…but you are within your right to decline the invitation to her wedding when it comes if you don’t want to or feel ready to go. What are your siblings standpoint on the matter? Again, my deepest condolences for what you’re going through
NAH. Everyone grieves differently. When it gets to when you have to decide, see how you feel, and whether you can manage to be there for your mom. She’s already acknowledging that she knows it might be hard. So she’ll understand even if she’s disappointed. There are no assholes here.
NTA. You get to grieve how you need to grieve. So does your mother. Some people need a partner.
Don’t look at it as “my childhood home” when it’s her current home. That takes precedent and priority over your nostalgia. While you haven’t used the term, it’s no one’s inheritance while it’s still someone’s livelihood or investment.
My condolences on your loss.
NTA. If you are uncomfortable with things don’t go. Some people handle grief and loss at different pace. It’s also possible that she and this guy had an emotional connection long before your dad’s death. Not saying she cheated but maybe they just had a connection that made easier to move on. Talk to mom, don’t get mad or make judgmental statements, just express your difficulties in processing the marriage so soon and you may not be able to get through it at this time. Don’t break off your relationship
your emotions are completely valid. I can understand what you’re going through right now and i think you’ve been handling the situation as well as you can considering you’re still grieving, and if you don’t want to attend your mothers wedding i believe that is reasonable but you definitely need to talk to your mother about it and explain why you wouldn’t want to attend.
Take your time making a decision and do what is most comfortable for you, i’m sure your mum will understand 🙂
NTA. If you are not comfortable attending and it is too painful then don’t attend. Your mom moved on awful quickly. It raises an eyebrow for me. She has to expect that her children are still grieving a year out. She can’t expect anyone to stop grieving, there is no expiration date. Her marrying so soon and expecting happiness and celebration is in poor taste right now. It is her life and she can live it how she wishes but it is not right to expect your participation at THIS time. Last but not least, I so sorry for your loss. I lost my daddy almost three years ago now (difficult to believe its been that long). It gets easier. Grief changes as time passes, it becomes more manageable I guess is a good way to put it. I hope you find inner peace and comfort in fond memories. My sincerest condolences.
Edit: capitalized the word this for emphasis purposes. Also added right now to the end of …”celebration is in poor taste” so the sentence would read a bit differently.
Some people don’t know how to be alone. Also, at the age, your parents are it’s very likely that their marriage towards the end was, platonic or possibly comfortable or maybe not great. My mother is gone and I would give anything to have her here with me and so my advice to you is let your mother do what’s right for her and support her through it.
NTA. grief doesn’t run on someone else’s timeline, even if that someone is your mom. eight months is nothing after losing a parent, and three months before she started dating is honestly a lot to process on its own so just do whatever you wanna do. you’re not trying to control her choices, you’re just being honest about your emotional limits, and that won’t define you as asshole
NTA. I will guarantee that your mother hasn’t processed her grief and is scared of being alone. You are not required to attend and you can even tell your mother that it feels incredibly disrespectful to you for you to attend. I am sorry for the loss of your father.
What was your parents relationship like prior to your father’s death? Some couples stay together just because its easier at a certain point. I’m just wondering because in that regard maybe your mom was mentally already out of the marriage, hence moving on so quickly.
Conversely maybe she struggled with grieving and is tampering down all those emotions by moving quickly on.
Its a tricky situation. It IS super quick since dad’s passing and she surely would be able to understand why the celebration of her love to another man would be so difficult for you. NTA
Dating is a common coping mechanism but marriage after not even that long??? That’s gonna end in divorce…