Hi i need to know that in this future decision I’m making is OK for me to do or if i am wrong to think about it. I(19F) have a group of friends (21,20,19F) we have been friends since high school and really are my only friends besides two other people. Recently, I got married last year and since then me and my husband have been going everywhere with each other. If i have a hang out i tend to bring him since he is my ride and i want him to become comfortable with my friends. Which he has become friends with my bff boyfriend so it works out. A couple of weeks ago i went to hang out with them ill just make up names to make it easier Trish(20) and Betty(19). While there we were talking about future birthdays coming up, and Trish told us about her birthday party being at her house. Which i assumed it would since we use to hang out there a lot in high school. However, in the middle of us talking about it, she looked at me and told me that I was invited. She said it in a way that confused me a little so I guess she saw the face I was making and continued with how there would be no room for my husband with how small her house is. Which i understand cause I’ve seen it and it is her party not mine. But a part of me thinks she doesn’t really like my husband, but was trying to sugarcoat it so I wouldn’t get offended because he wasn’t invited. Now at first i was a little sad cause i bring him everywhere and having to leave him alone bugs me cause if i go i would be having fun without him. I asked my other friend who isn’t in the group and told her that i didn’t feel like i should go because in my head me and him are a package deal if one isn’t wanted we wont bother to go. My friend agreed and said that if they exclude him now what would happen down the line if they have more hangouts or parties and he is not invited. How can i just tell him that he has to drive 40 minutes somewhere to drop me off and drive 40 back because he is unwanted. Trish and i are really close but i think for a couple of months we have been drifting cause i live further away and it has made it difficult for me to choose if i should skip out on the party or just go so their isnt any hurt feelings. But would i be the jerk if i do decide not to go?
You have a bigger problem here that you are not seeing. Your friends would sometimes like to see just you, have a girls night. You are not a package deal, it is really foolish to isolate yourself like that. Being married is just one part of your identity. You are also a friend, possibly a family member, a student, a worker, a team mate, many different roles make up your identity. Learn how to maintain all of your relationships, or you will end up alone, with or without your husband.
this is also a good take \^
INFO: Do all your friends’ partners also come out EVERYWHERE or is it just yours?
No they dont have partners atm i usually have him with me when im with my other friend because we pick her and her bf but if he is at work Trish and Betty come and picks me up more then half of the time
She can invite or not invite anyone she wants. And you have a right to refuse to come.
I don’t like “I always go with my husband everywhere” approach. You should have your own group of friends, and it’s normal that your husband meets with them from time to time, but IMO it’s not OK, when you suddenly drag him with you each time you hangout with friends.
But – typically for celebrations the whole couple is invited (unless it’s a girl’s-only event). In any case – you don’t have to go, if you you don’t want to. It’s as simple as that.
Also consider spending some time with your friends without your husband. It’s good for your friendship and for your marriage as well.
NTA but this might be her way of letting you know she misses hanging out with just you sometimes. Sometimes it’s nice to hang out with a good friend without their s/o. It’s a little rude of her to suddenly require this during a PARTY, unless she’s making it like a “girls night” or something. But given that he’s your ride both ways and they used the excuse “no room for him” instead of being honest, you’re NTA for not attending. But I would just come up with a reasonable excuse and not perpetuate drama about it.
Keep in mind your friends probably miss hanging out with just you from time to time and it’s good for you and your relationship long term to maintain a smidge of independence.
Nah, not an asshole, but also not worth souring the relationship with one of the few friends you have. You are allowed to have a separate life outside of your husband. Being worried about having fun with out him doesn’t really make sense to me. If it turns out that your friend doesn’t like your husband, then yeah its worth replacing that friend, but you should cross that bridge when you get there instead of trying to jump to conclusions now.
You don’t have to go if you don’t feel like it, but imho YTA for the reasoning behind it.
Your friends aren’t obligated to include your husband in everything they do. She can invite whoever she wants to her own party, and you’re free to go or not go, but expecting your husband to be automatically included is weird.
It’s normal and healthy to have a social life that doesn’t revolve around your partner. Your friends probably want to spend time with *you* alone. You sound like the type of person that brings her husband to an all-girls hangout and wonders why the vibe feels off.
If you’re uncomfortable attending without your husband, that’s your choice, but projecting that discomfort onto your friend and treating it as a moral failing on her part isn’t fair.
YTA
You are forcing your friends to hang out with your husband, that is just wrong. Like you said, her place is too small to accommodate your husband… but trying to reason that you don’t want to go because she didn’t invite your husband is an AH move.
NAH. You can decline a party invitation for whatever reason you want. But remember.. You married your husband, your friends didn’t. Sometimes, friends want to hang out with just their friends, not always have everyone’s partners around. Just because you’re married doesn’t mean it always has to be the two of you. You are both still individual people and maintaining friendships is important.
OK, you get to decide whether or not to accept the invitation but yeah, YTA
You are basically planning to ditch your long term friends. That’s a pretty crappy and selfish thing for you to do.
It’s her birthday, it’s totally reasonable for her to throw the party she wants and is most comfortable with. It’s not about you and your husband.
Also, your idea that you are a package deal and you can’t go anywhere or enjoy yourself without your husband is a really unhealthy one. If your friend is explicitly calling you out about it then it’s probably been annoying them for some time because you have been trying to forcethem to include him / bringing him along univited.
Some events are for everyone, and/or for couple. Some aren’t. Learn to read the room.
You \*should\* both be able to have fun without your partner.
It’s healthy to maintain your own friendships and activities as well as doing things together.
If you refuse to do things without your husband then you are chosing to exclude yourself, and to isolate yourself, If a partner did that to you it would be considered abuse. If you do it to yourself it has all the same negative consequences. And honestly, if your husband is not actively encouraging you to go and have fun, I’d see that as a red flag.
I don’t think it *necessarily* means that your friend doesn’t like your husband.
It most likely means that, since they are \*your\* friends, not his, they don’t always want him as a fifth wheel – having him along changes the dymnamic of the group and it sounds as though they don’t want that to be the case all the time – it’s pretty rude of you to try to showhorn your husband in to everything. But even if they don’t much like him, that’s also OK. Not eveyone is compatible. It’s fine for you to have a friend who doesn’t get on with your husband , you just keep that in mind and don’t try to force them to hang out together. If your friend doesn’tlike our husband, obviosuly don’t suggest a joint holiday or big day out together, but there’s no reason you shouldn;t enjoy a girls noght out, coffee with a friend, or ven partiues where he’s not invited.
(It’s also possible that they are worried about you – if he’s showing up to things where you were invited and he wasn’t, then that may well be setting off alarams ans causing them to fear that you are in an abusive / controlling relationsip. Which, oif they are good friends, would absolutely mean that they wouldn’t like him. )
You have your entire life to be with your husband – give each other a bit of space, relax and enjoy spending time with your old friends, then enjoy the reuninon with your husband afterwards.
NAH – Friendships change after marriage, and this might be one of those moments. Skipping one party doesn’t make you a bad friend.
After reading all your replies in the comments, I still cannot understand why you can’t just go without your husband. You gave a lot of none-reasons and it doesn’t even sound like an excuse but just a babble of words. YTA , you can’t even say why you don’t want to go when your husband isn’t invited.