Hi, I am 35m and my ex is 37f, we are separated for months (June 2025) and we were together for 11 years. We have 3 kids, a 6yo, 4yo and a 2yo with the context that my 6yo is autistic. We also live in Ontario, Canada if this helps any. We arent in a 50/50 custody just yet as been trying to find a better place for them as a bedroom only is not and yes, we do not live together.
Since last year, my ex decided to go back into church, where this came from I am unsure as she never went to church for the whole years we’ve been together and then some. Since she went back, she told our kids that they should go to church to meet new friends. Which I was not opposed, I think its great they make friends and they are of age not understanding everything about religion and could make their own decision on this matter too. I also dont attend church as I made that decision long ago in my early teens as well and haven’t changed my mind but I only don’t tell people they are nuts for believing in them. Its their decision and I respect it.
She and I has had a talk that during the 50/50 split, when sunday of the weekend they were with me, i would not attend church and they could have more time with me because whats the worst that can happen to them being that age and missing church on biweekly schedule. It’s not like I’m forcing them out. So since then, she keeps telling me that I cannot talk them out of church and they will attend. To which I didnt fight back and instead said we will talk later.
Going to the past weekend, my oldest, 6yo, asked me how come I didnt attend church and I told her "it’s not my thing but if church is good for you, the power is all for you to make friends. Do you like church? What have you learned so far?" To which she responded with "I like making friends but I don’t remember alot about why we go to church" or in that kind of sense which was what I thought.
The next day, it was drop off time at 9am to their mothers house and I overheard my 6yo tell the mom that she didnt want to go to church, she was asked why and her answer was "I wanted to stay home today". This is where the mom said "but we’re going to church and mommy wont be home after." She completely just said to the daughter that shes going no matter what and its a good time to see mom. However, going there is not spending time with mom as they split all 3 kids in separate level of church study. And the fact she knows I would keep the kids longer at my place vs them at home with a sitter is weird.
WIBTA if I confronted her thats she’s dismissing our 6yo decision making of not going to church and potentially forcing her into something she may not want? I just need some insight as I do not want to cause stupid argument especially when she always make me feel like I’m at fault for anything that is happening around our kids decision making as if I inserted these ideas.
Edit: some extra info as I forgot to mention. They do go and sing the song and do stuff relating to God and makes her own belief around him but you can also tell they are doing it cuz "fun". She does make some quotes like "god is inside you". So there is some sign she is learning but still comments she’s unsure why on certain topics.
I’m not a church person either but my wife is. We go. Kids often don’t want to go. They’re kids. If we let them make the choices they want, they’d be on their iPads all day eating candy.
If they were a teenager, I MIGHT feel different, but only if the argument was about their beliefs and not that they would rather play with friends or something like that.
NTA.
The kid hasn’t expressed any interest in church beyond the friends and is confused why they’re even going. It’s all well and good for religious folks to say ‘Kids aren’t old enough to choose where to go’. Well, they’re not old enough to consider God. Forcing it on them is kind if vile.
NAH- you can have your opinion, but on her weeks, your opinion doesn’t count. You are fine to say sonething, and she is fine to ignore it.
I was raised catholic. We went to church every Sunday. I never had a problem with it back then, but I can’t say I was actually getting anything out of attending. If I’d been given a choice, I probably would have stayed home since church was boring and we had to dress nice. I would have preferred to be in front of the tv in my pajamas.
If you object to your child being forced into a particular religion, that would be worth negotiating. Since that’s not the case here, I think this is just one of the things where parents have to put their foot down and say, “This is what we’re doing today.”
You are not an AH for having your opinions, and respecting that the mother wants to take them. What you would be an AH for is pandering to a 6yo. When co parenting the one thing YOU CANNOT DO is tell your child they don’t have to do something after their mother has said they must and vice versa. Your child needs to understand that what they are told to do is what they must do. And you undermining the mother will cause issues for both of you when this child grows up.
You would be NTA to **stop taking them on your custody days.**
Your ex manipulating you to take them on your time is wack.
YTA. First, what happens on your ex’s time is not your business. Unless the children are being hurt or abused, it isn’t your worry. Second, your child is six. What happens when she says she doesn’t want to go to school? Will you say you have to respect her wishes?
This reads as you not liking your ex’s interests and projecting them on your kids. Your ex chooses to have faith and go to church and take the children. You choose not to. You need to respect each other’s choices. When your kids are older, they can decide what they want to do.
NAH. I’m sure she won’t want to go to school either, but her parents have decided they want her to learn. I’m not a church person and don’t like going (was raised in the church and went to private schools) but when my kids go to their grandpa’s for a month in the summer they go to church with them. Its up to whichever parent they are with, especially at that age.
First I would say pick your battles because you’re going to be co-parenting for a while. It varies here in the US from state to state but many have what’s called, “The First Right of Refusal”. Meaning she can’t send the children to a babysitter without asking you if you want that time first. As you’re working on the divorce/custody you may see if you can add that clause.
NTAH
YTA
The 6 year old can’t be left unattended, so if Mom goes, the kid obviously does as well.
This seems very manipulative and underhanded to not back her up during HER custody time by using the kid
YTA in this case, at this time.
The kids are attending after the drop off, so it’s mom’s custody time and your daughter doesn’t actually object to being at church even if it’s not her preferred activity at that exact moment.
At 6 there’s lots of things moms going to have her do when she would rather be home playing with her toys when it’s time to leave – I can remember throwing fits about going to my best friend’s because the toys were different or my grandparents because cars are boring. It’s not reasonable (or even good for her) for mom to cater to that preferences all the time.
Hold off on any discussion of this now. If your kid starts talking about how church sucks or she doesn’t like it, discuss the subject then.
Slight YTA when it is her parenting time she gets to decide if they go or not. On the flip side on your parenting time you get to decide if they go or not. Most Weekend parenting time is 48 hours usually stretching from 4-6pm on Friday to 4-6pm on Sunday, you did not specify what the current agreement is but I would just tell the ex that on your weekends your spending the whole Sunday with your kids. No more dropping them off at 9am it’s now 5pm.
Even in a court order you can’t stop her from bringing them to church but you can set other expectations like that you get them every Father’s Day. Go see a lawyer even if they just walk you through the basics and help you file the paperwork.
YTA. Your urge would be appropriate if the child were older. By teen years they should get to make their own choices about religion. And a lot of other things.
This child is 6.
6 year olds have a much more limited range of things they need to be respected on.
If your child desperately hated church, I’d going was like torture to them, it would be worth making a plan to accommodate that.
But 6 year olds don’t get to alter the entire family plan for the day because they just aren’t feeling it today. Whether that’s church or a trip to the mall or we have to run to the dmv or the grocery store.
If you would cancel a trip to the grocery store because one of the kids wasn’t feeling it, you need to get just a little more authoritative in your parenting. Child centered is good, but that’s excessive. You have to be able to make your kids do things they don’t want to. School is coming. So is homework.
Also.
When you are co-parenting you have to learn to only interfere with the other parent’s time when it is absolutely necessary for the health and safety of the child. This doesn’t come close to qualifying.
ESH what either of you do on your custody days isnt really up to the other parent.