I (24F) recently became official with my BF (29M) after 2 years of friendship. We have gone back and forth about our feelings towards each other – I have had crushes that have come and gone, while he kept treating me and a sister.
Regardless, we finally decided to give it a shot and told our friends in our group (7 total including us) \*separately\* – neither of us wanted to make a big deal out of an announcement. The reactions have been mixed – everyone he told were happy for us, the ones I told were on the fence, which really bums me out, but they’re entitled to their own opinions<3
There is one person (let’s call her Liz) (30F), I haven’t told, because the first time I told her about my feelings towards my BF, she told me that he wasn’t good for me and that I should stay away from him. That was two years ago, and my BF has changed, but her reaction back then really left an impact on me and a fear for telling her now.
We’re all going out tonight, and I feel so bad knowing Liz is the only one not knowing about us. But I don’t want to force my BF not to be affectionate, nor tell the others in the group not to say anything or act weird.
My BF has told me that he supports whatever I decide to do, but I feel bad for "imprisoning" him and the entire situation, because I’m too scared of one person’s reaction.
I know I can’t hide it forever, but the longer I drag it out, the bigger of a mess this will be…
YTA, I think it’s weird that you’re keeping your relationship secret from one friend. Why are you even friends with her if you can’t trust her to be supportive of you? Yes, she said something about it him two years ago. Have you spoken to her about how that made you feel? Please communicate, you’re creating more problems by being avoidant.
Exactly, or feel good enough to just say ‘this is what I’m doing and this is who I’m with’. Why hide and go through all this effort? Either don’t see Liz and keep it secret, or just come out with it and be brave.
“…and my boyfriend has changed.”
You kind of buried this in the middle of your post.
What do you mean he’s changed? Changed from what to what? Is this the reason why some people you told were on the fence?
YTA for hanging on to a 2 year word of warning as reason to treat Liz differently. Heck, why do you assume no one in your friend group told her? I doubt seriously no one in your group was unaware of your feelings so this isn’t even huge news.
YTA. It’s going to come up. Just tell Liz.
Dont hide it but let it cone up naturally.
Liz doesn’t need to be consulted or even informed on this decision
NTA, but… why does it matter that your friends “learn” about your happiness?
A friend group should be there to support you and point out mistakes that you may be too close to, to notice; but their approval is not a requirement and shouldn’t be. If you are weak minded and make a lot of bad decisions I could see their input being really important, but I’m not seeing anthing that hints that from your post.
Remember that some people want others to be unhappy because they are and want company to complain to. That one person may have a reason to suggest your now BF was a problem, they may not. So the best thing is to ask why and listen to the reason(s), an ultimately make any appropriate decisions fully informed. Everyone will eventually figure it out anyway.
You deserve happiness and so does everyone else, and I hope things go well in any case.
YTA
This is what 14 year olds do. You are a grown-up in a relationship and if you’re afraid of someone’s reaction then you’re either not confident in your ability to stand up for yourself, or you’re not confident in the relationship. Figure it out and don’t hide.
INFO Is OP inflating the ages of these people? ‘Cause this really sounds like high school drama. What grown woman decides to enter a relationship with a man at the same time as being afraid to tell her friend about it? Is this man already married?
**NTA**
But I have to ask: Why is someone your friend if you can’t be honest with them? To me, that’s antithetical to the basic tenets and concepts of friendship
YTA. If you’re friends, tell her. If you can’t, then don’t be friends.
Also, not to burst your bubble but there are basically three reasons she could have told you that. One is she liked him and wanted you to stay back. Another is that she truly is looking out for you because she sees something you don’t. And finally, she may have experienced or know something about him you don’t. I’ve seen people act that way because the person sexually assaulted someone, but they didn’t want to explain that, so they just say they’re bad for you.
NOT saying that’s the case here. Just saying you should tell her. If she has problems with it, she will let you know. The worst that could happen on her end is she stops being your friend, which will happen if you avoid her anyways.
(From your post):
the ones I told were on the fence, which really bums me out, but they’re entitled to their own opinions<3”
“the first time I told her about my feelings towards my BF, she told me that he wasn’t good for me and that I should stay away from him. That was two years ago, and my BF has changed”
(From your comments):
“He had narcissistic tendencies back when we first met, but over time he has “become better”. And the others (Liz especially) often felt he manipulated me specifically”
“I’m a natural overthinker with low self esteem, and I value others’ opinions highly. I know it isn’t an excuse. Liz is very overprotective of me, and since I’ve had poor experiences with guys in the past, and my BF has acted weirdly towards me in the past, I’m just really anxious about the whole situation”
So, your friends are concerned because in the past he’s behaved badly and treated you badly. They’re right to be concerned! This is the definition of insanity, OP, and he’s probably still manipulating you. Sounds like you would do well to listen to your friend’s concerns.
I would hesitate to say Y T A, but you seem determined to run straight toward that cliff. I genuinely hope all turns out well for you.
YTA. This is very high school like behavior from nearly everyone involved.
Question: is this the same guy from your past post who told you you look like a 12 year old boy? If so, I get why your friends are concerned…
Regardless, YTA for being too chicken to tell your friend.