My friend is getting married in a two months, the wedding was announced in January so it’s very short notice. Her bridesmaids are all members of her family except for me. One of them has organised a hen’s night at her place tonight (it was floated last week). I have had quite seriously two of the worst weeks of my life over the last fortnight and I do not in any capacity feel up to going to this event.
My cat died, and I found out last night that my step father is a predator and his known victim looks just like me. My mom knew the whole time and let me live with him for the last 10 years. I also have chronic pain and fatigue and the stress is making me have a flare up so I feel horrible. I have had to leave my partner three states away because he is living with his family atm and we are doing long distance temporarily. Everyone tonight will be drinking and I can’t join in because of my medication as well.
I thought I would feel better on the day of this event but I actually feel worse. I want to support my friend but I know if I go I am going to be such low energy and miserable. WIBTA if I very profusely appologised and just didn’t go?
NTA. Not your thing don’t go
NTA, but you’re spiraling, and you’re missing an opportunity to pull yourself out of it. I don’t think you’re doing yourself any favors by cutting your friend off so that you can further wallow in misery. Do you really feel inclined to damage your relationship with your friend just so you can spend even more time reflecting on your toxic relationship with your mother and step father? Ultimately, what you do with your own time is your own choice, but you should be aware you’re just creating something else to be depressed about by antagonizing your friend. You couldn’t control your cat or your step father, but this is something that you have some control over.
NTA if you tell her honestly what happened I think she’ll totally understand. If not she wasn’t worth keeping as a friend
NTA, but it might do you some good to change your environment for a bit and be social. You don’t have to drink- I’m having a dinner tomorrow night for my bachelorette and 2 of my friends are pregnant lol. Those of us that are drinking plan to have a glass of wine or something, there’s no reason to assume it will be wild unless you know them to be a rowdy bunch.
If you don’t feel like going, don’t go. You can explain to your friend that you’ve been having a gnarly couple of weeks. I’m sure she will understand.
NTA for this one event, but I have a feeling that the hen’s night is not the only bridal event you’re not going to feel up to attending.
Under the circumstances, I wouldn’t blame you. You have an awful lot on your plate right now, and I think most people would struggle. I suspect merely attending the wedding as a guest may be as much as you can manage.
Whether you end up being the asshole generally or not depends on how you convey this to the bride, and how soon. Don’t bail out by text, or at the last minute. That can’t be helped for the hen’s night, because it’s tonight, but the same can’t be said for all the other events.
Think about everything leading up to the wedding: the dress fittings, bachelorette parties, rehearsals, pre-wedding dinners, or whatever else your bridesmaid duties are going to entail. (If you don’t yet know, you need to ask.)
Ask yourself realistically: are you able to commit to these events? *Fully* commit? Merely showing up is not enough. Can you be genuinely happy for her, with the expression on your face giving no hint of your inner turmoil? Can you promise that all the stresses currently going on in your life are not going to cause you to say “I’m so sorry. I thought I could do this, but I can’t” on the eve of the event itself? Because bailing at the last minute is going to cause the bride far more upset than bailing at this earlier stage.
Once you’ve decided what you can and can’t manage, ask to meet with the bride in person. Sit down with her and tell her what you told us: how this wedding has come at a massively stressful time in your life. Tell her how happy you are that she’s marrying, and that she deserves bridesmaids who can support her 100% and share in her joyous occasion fully, without being distracted by their own problems.
Then tell her what you’ve decided you can manage. If you’ve decided for yourself that you just can’t fulfill the duties of a bridesmaid, and all you can manage is to just be a guest, then tell her that. If you think you might be able to handle some of the bridesmaids’ duties but you will need to miss some events such as the hens’ night, then tell her that, and say you will understand and have no hard feelings if she then removes you from the bridal party.
Basically, be honest with her, and give her as much time and space and acceptance of her decision as you can manage.
I give no guarantee that this won’t end badly. She may be angry with you and accuse you of being self-absorbed and letting her down. But at least you will know you were not the asshole and you behaved as well as you could under the circumstances.
Soft YTA. You suck it up for your friends. You don’t have to be the life of the party. Just showing up for her and being happy for her is enough.
NTA, I’m sorry for your loss. And oh my gosh.
Not your party, you don’t have to go
NTA!!! I’m a chronic pain sufferer, too, and you have to take care of yourself first!!! Any friend would understand and wouldn’t want you to go out and be miserable!!! I have great friends and family!!!!
NTA. If your friend is a good friend, they’ll understand
It’s hard to say. These things depend so much on the people involved and on unique circumstances.
Sometimes, when I’m not sure what to do, I split the difference.
You go, but you only stay for an hour, then leave, or you make up some other excuse why you can’t stay.
You could Irish exit at a predetermined time, or you could greet the bride to be at the door with a gift or something, congratulate her, but not stay.
Depending on the person, leaving early can be MORE offensive than not showing at all (you build their hopes up and dash them by not staying, or whatever).
It just depends on your judgement of how the person might react and on what you can muster within yourself to do from an energy and fortitude standpoint.