My roommate and best friend (29F), “Jessica,” and I (24F) have lived together for about two years. I love her dearly, but something she did in November 2025 was deeply hurtful, and both me and my boyfriend (24M), “Liam,” haven’t been able to move past it.
I invited Jessica as my plus-one to a work event in November 2025, meaning my coworkers, boss, and colleagues would be all around us. She agreed, but drank too much, as she often does, and began loudly ranting about Liam and everything she dislikes about him out of literally nowhere.
For context, Liam stays with us on the weekends so he is around a lot but he usually stays in my room, cleans up after himself, helps out around the house, and is just overall very quiet and sweet. Because we all seemed to get along, about a month prior I had even floated the idea of him moving in when our lease renews, and Jessica seemed fully on board.
At the event, she prefaced her rant by saying, “This probably isn’t the appropriate time to talk about this,” which made it clear she *knew* it wasn’t. She then listed her complaints: that he blows his nose too loudly in the morning, talks to her too early about things she doesn’t care about, and talks too loudly in general. What upset me most was her saying she doesn’t like how much he “interrupts” me and repeatedly calling him “annoying,” saying what he has to say “isn’t even interesting.”
Now here’s the thing, Liam and I both have ADHD and a touch of the ’tism. We interrupt each other all the time; it’s mutual and not a problem for me at all. What hurt was that she assumed this was an issue, insulted him, and did so publicly while drunk. If she has a problem with how he interacts *with her*, that’s something she should address with him directly, not unload on me. She was loud enough that everyone heard, which was humiliating and incredibly upsetting. I felt like I was backed into a corner and couldn’t even respond or defend Liam because I had to maintain some level of decorum. This was so embarrassing for me but also frustrating because I love Liam so much and to hear one of my closest friends say such mean things about him hurt me even if it wasn’t about me.
Needless to say, I eventually told Liam about this and he was seriously hurt and doesn’t really feel comfortable around Jessica anymore. He still comes over but he leaves my room even less. I have found myself distancing from her as well and honestly haven’t addressed it with her at all because it still makes me so upset and disappointed. The most she did as an "apology" to Liam was write a note attached to a Christmas gift she made him that read "sorry for being an asshole, welcome to (our address)". She has not apologized to me at all, but I haven’t really brought it up either. Regardless, Liam and I ultimately decided it’s for the best that we just find our own place when my lease is up.
AITA or being childish for distancing myself and planning to move out without having a conversation with her?
NTA. It seems like it’s past time for you and Jessica to spend some time apart. She was aware what she said wasn’t appropriate. And I’m sure she has felt this way for a while. Which would have been fine, if she had approached the matter with you a Liam privately.
I would say NTA. It’s never nice to hear people you care about trashing someone you love.
I don’t blame you for distancing yourself, but unless you despise her to the degree that you want her to be completely unprepared for the two of you leaving her alone on the lease, you should at least write a letter stating your intentions. You can keep it simple and just say that the two of you have decided it will be best to move into your own place.
NTA | you wouldn’t be an asshole even if she had only said those things in private to you in the home that you LITERALLY SHARE.
Except she said those things while she was your guest at a WORK event. A forum where you could possibly be punished for bringing a disruptive guest.
Look, I think you would be the asshole if you just left without having a conversation with her. It blows my mind that you two haven’t talked about it yet. You’re meant to be best friends! You need to talk.
I don’t know the depth of your friendship and whether it means you can move past an incident like this. But if you want to look at it from a perspective that might help you fix the friendship: she obviously made a huge mistake and was possibly acting out. Not a good way to go about it, but it’s possible she had a lot of things bottled up that came out under the influence of alcohol.
If my friends partner was living with us part-time, every weekend, without contributing to bills and rent, and without my friends checking in to see if the every weekend thing was still ok with me, it would bother me. How easy did you make it for your friend to say she didn’t want him to stay so often? Would you have been receptive to her saying so?
You need to talk to her and give her the opportunity to explain herself and to apologise. This is obviously a dealbreaker for you if you’re thinking about moving on, so you absolutely need to do it. She’s your friend.
NTA for moving out. You need to tell her though. And can I ask why you’d bring someone to a work party when that person is known to drink too much and get inappropriate? That’s a poor choice by you.
You should be able to have a constructive discussion with a best friend. If you can’t, she’s not your best friend
So…
You know how she is, that neither of you engage, show your expectations and experiences… what you say does nothing and won’t be taken well…
NTA, just frame it as you, your life moving forward…
Don’t forget the snide *’and now you’ll never have to talk to Liam in the morning, or ever, ever again’*
NTA. But if she’s truly your best friend then why not talk to her about it? If she blows up, then pack up and move on.