Myself 28F and boyfriend 32M, have been in a relationship for 18 months. Beginning of dating, he was working to quit vape. He used to tell me how hard he had worked to leave past smoking addiction. I had made myself clear since the beginning that how uncomfortable I get with smoke smell. He also knows about my past cancer diagnosis, my treatment ended just few months before I met him. So my health conditions makes me vulnerable to second hand smoke. He always claims he is only a social smoker now and smokes only if being offered. Most of his friends smoke and I end up being alone during all of his friends get-together when they go outside for a smoke. Then they all come back with heavy smoke smell, I have no other option than adjusting as I don’t want be rude to others because of their personal choices. I tried communicating about it with him, but never understood that I feel alone and alienated when it happens. But again, don’t want to stop him from enjoying with his friends. I have recently realized that he does smoke alone and he lies to hide it from me. Last few weeks he has been dropping me off to a volunteering work that I do for 3 hours on Fridays and he hangs around before picking me up. While he waits, he smokes. He had now lied to me on two occasions to hide. He said, he lied because he knows it would upset me. He smoked today again after dropping me. When he picked me up, the car was smelling of cigarettes. I asked if he had smoked alone or with a friend ( as he claims to never smoke alone anymore), he lied and made up a name just to avoid accepting he smoked again, alone! Later when I cross questioned, he mentioned he was feeling sad because of the argument we had before I left ( we ended it on good notes before I said goodbye to him) and hence, he felt like smoking. Now, he doesn’t usually keep cigarettes on him, we just have two packs at home to use whenever his friends come over. Today he took a packet with him before we started, which clearly means he was planning to smoke anyway once alone. I am conflicted how to feel about this whole thing. I want to respect his personal choices and really don’t want to force him to stop something that he likes but this entire situation is making me feel really uncomfortable. I never wanted to date a smoker and his determination to leave smoking used to impress me in the beginning. But I love him so much now, can’t really think of leaving him. Yer can’t get comfortable about his smoking, I really tried. I think I am more hurt about him lying to my face actually. Despite me telling and explaining to him time and again that how uncomfortable the smell of smoke makes me, and knowing he smokes upsets me, he never misses a chance to smoke. Also, to add- he has mild asthma, another reason to not smoke. I don’t know if I am being too selffish at this point, but I do feel helpless and tad bit betrayed. I feel like a boundary has been crossed over and over again. I am being a child now?
your options are 1. keep dating him and accept he’s not going to quit smoking 2. Keep on trying to get him to stop smoking but he will keep smoking and keep lying to you about it or 3. you can break up with him.
Your NTA but you do need to wake up to the reality of your situation and make a choice.
He doesn’t care enough about you or himself to quit. You can actually leave. Learn to love yourself more.
NTA but he’s shown you over and over he’s a lying liar who lies out of his lie hole. Why would you stay? Love yourself more. There are better guys out there than this
NTA but you wanting him to quit smoking isn’t a boundary. You refusing to be around smoke is a boundary that you haven’t even really tried to enforce. He’s obviously not going to give up smoking any time soon if he went back to it (since you said he only vaped when you got together) so you either deal with it or leave. You can love him but may not be compatible. Quitting smoking is hard (I quit last year after smoking for 20 years) but the person has to want to do it for themselves or it’s not going to happen and unfortunately I speak from experience.
NTA. Read what you just wrote. You can’t battle with active addiction, and he can’t quit just for you. Respect your own boundaries. He crossed your boundaries multiple times and he doesn’t seem to feel bad for you. You need someone that will put you and your (ex)condition first, and addiction will always come in the way of that. You dont need someone who will keep lying to you about your safety.
YWBTA if you don’t consider your own health first. Do you want to be with someone who doesn’t listen to you?
It is pretty embarassing, and difficult, to admit that you can’t quit and are addicted to something. NTA, and you don’t have to lower the bar for someone else’s addiction problems, even if they’re legal.
You’re not going to convince him to quit, and it doesn’t matter if you’re right or wrong. I smoke, and my wife doesn’t. She would get passive aggressive about my smoking when we were dating a decade ago or so. I tried to quit, but it just wasn’t happening.
Before that though I made it clear that this is me, if I do ever quit, or decide to, it’ll be for me, and my own reasons. You don’t get to decide that for me, or push me into it. You can take it or leave it.
Kind of sounds like where you’re at now, but with him lying to you, maybe because he’s ashamed, or doesn’t care, who knows, it’s up to you to decide, as you said, where your boundaries are.
NTA but also might be a losing battle. Quitting smoking is a mindset and a person has to be willing to do it. My suggestion buy him “the easy way to quit smoking” by Allen car. I quit while reading the book, it encourages smoking even while reading so it can focus on getting the reader through the mental aspect before you actually put out your last cig. It’s a long shot but it might help. If this is a deal breaker I would prepare to leave him. Addictions are difficult to break and any addiction requires the person to want to change to make a change. Best of luck
NTA, when someone smokes, it super obvious. You established a boundary, and he’s back himself into a corner because he’s having trouble kicking his addiction. If he’s not quitting like he said he would, and lying to you, then he’s not the person who you originally want to be with. This isn’t your doing, he’s making these choices.
I’m not saying you atah, but he obviously doesn’t want to quit smoking, you pushing him to do so is causing him to lie. A person who smokes will eventually quit for themselves, because they want to. Pushing him to quit for you isn’t going to work.
You telling him not to smoke isnt a boundary. Thats controlling
A boundary would be you choosing to not be around people when they smoke or smell like smoke.
Boundaries are about how YOU respond to a situation you don’t like, not trying to force others to stay on one side of a line.
He will struggle to quit for a long time. You need to decide if you will tolerate that or not
The bigger problem is his dishonesty. You need to decide if you are going to remove yourself from the situation or relationship because of his deceit.
You’re dating a smoker. Deal with it or break up. You can’t control other people.
Your boyfriend doesn’t care how you feel or your medical concerns with smoke. Just break up. He has shown you who he is.