So, on Thursday my friend, Frank, asked if we could hang out on Saturday. I told him that I’m going to be with my other friend, Jane, on Friday so maybe on Saturday we could. Frank didn’t seem to be too disturbed, but he wasn’t that happy with my response. He doesn’t have many friends, so I understand why he’d always ask me to hang out. On the other hand, I do have other friends and I can’t have him always expect me to be with him. Then on Friday, Jane ended up spending the night. Now, its Saturday and Frank asked if we could hang out today or tomorrow. I told him we could, but Jane would be there. Jane was expecting to stay until Sunday, which I did not dismiss the idea. Frank was immediately angry and was against the idea of Jane being with us. He made a case that we never get to spend time together just me and him. But that wasn’t true I spend plenty of time with him, in fact, on Thursday and the Thursday before that we hung out just me and him. Of course I told him that and he completely dismissed what I said to then say that every time we hang out I ask for someone else to be there. Then I restated that we hung out on Thursday and the Thursday before that. BTW: Me and Jane have not hung out since November and the chances of us hanging out are slim due to our busy schedule. We got into a cycle of how we don’t hang out enough just for me and him. Honestly I got very tired of the same thing. I told him that I have other friends and my world doesn’t revolve around him. Finally, I apologized and told him that plans change and me and him will have our day. He said that he didn’t accept my apology. I said okay and goodnight. We left it off there.
\–Thanks for listening and please tell me what you think!!
I mean yes, YTA. You’re very clearly using Frank as a backup plan if your main plan falls through. He can tell.
YTA
So, first things first – you told him you could hang out on Saturday when he asked about Friday. You didn’t say, ‘I’m booked this weekend’. You didn’t say ‘I have guests all weekend’. You said you were available.
The way you act like suddenly going, ‘Yeah, but this other person is suddenly going to be there without any forewarning’ is no big deal tells me you do that often.
Lastly, who talks about their friend that way? Everything you say is dismissive about him. ‘He wasn’t that happy with my response. He doesn’t have many friends.’ What?
Also, you hung out Thursday? Doing what? Were you actually hanging out, in preplanned events, or were you two just happening to be in the same place alone. Was it because no one else showed up?
You’re a terrible friend to Frank and good riddance.
We were playing volleyball like we usually do every Thursday. We do hang out frequently. I did tell him Jane was going to be over and MAYBE we could hang out. And as I said I don’t see Jane a lot. It’s simply the truth that he didn’t like my response and he truly only has two friends.
YTA for saying the world doesn’t revolve around him
I said MY world doesn’t revolve around him. Obviously care about him and I don’t care when he has to cancel plans.
Yeah either way YTA
Yta. People like you are bad friends
NTA, this level of neediness in adults is frankly (pun unintended) off-putting. But I agree with others here, you seem dismissive of him. You could’ve thrown him a headsup before he asked saying, “Real sorry, change of plans. Jane’s joining tonight if that’s ok. She ended up staying over.” Sounds like you’re tiring of his overdependancy on you, and dealing with his irritation when you aren’t free. You’re being forced to keep score, which ruins the fun of hanging out. The imbalance of needs makes you callous with his feelings. That isn’t nice. Maybe you should have an honest discussion about your friendship and expectations with him.
ESH
You could’ve handled more tactfully by telling Jane you told Frank you’d hang Saturday and asking Frank first if Jane could be there. Or telling Frank the first time you are catching up with Jane after a while and maybe next weekend would be better
Frank is also TA for refusing to hear you out and accept compromises or even you mentioning Thursday
yeah this is the most reasonable one i’ve seen thanks
To me, this is a little bit of ESH:
You are slightly TA because you really are being pretty dismissive of Frank’s feelings, and because playing a team sport with someone once a week is not the same as hanging out one-on-one. Also slightly TA because you knew that Jane was coming, that you hadn’t seen her in a while, and (presumably) there was some chance she might be spending the night on Friday; yet you still told Frank that hanging out on Saturday might be possible instead of making it clear that you would be “playing it by ear” WRT Jane’s schedule and availability.
Frank is slightly TA for not at least trying to graciously accept the change of plans and request that one-on-one hangout time with you be rescheduled. (Him grousing about you spending time with Jane while she’s around and available just seems like jealousy to me. Is there any chance that he wishes your relationship with him could be more than friends?)
Even Jsne is not entirely clean in this situation: unless you didn’t tell her that you had tentative plans to hang out with Frank on Saturday, choosing to stay the night and expecting to be included in those plans is a little insensitive, no matter how much y’all miss one another.
I’m not sure his reaction was fully warranted, but it seems like what you told him would happen when you initially made plans did not align with what actually happened. For that reason alone, I feel like this one is mostly on you. He wasn’t expecting Jane to still be there on Saturday, and I think he’s probably (understandably) getting the vibe that you value her more as a friend than him. I get that plans change sometimes, but if you really cared about making sure Frank feels respected, you should’ve let him know Jane was staying over as soon as you found out instead of waiting until he followed up again.