So back story: my husbands \[33m\] daughters mom \[40f\] is known for just showing up unannounced or just comes earlier then originally planned. Me \[32f\] and her have a good relationship, but there’s a lot of bad blood and shes nobody i would trust with my life. But we keep it civil and we usually do the communication reguarding their daughter because we’ve found its way easier instead of going though a bad messenger.
Anyways.. we had planned to have her over yesterday but last minutes she canceled she texted my husband saying she might come today. So this morning I texted her letting her know we all woke up sick but just allergies , so she said that she’d still come over after her class. so around 4; I knew she got off school at 4; I texted her to let me know when she was on the way; \[FYI EVERYBODY THAT HAS COME TO MY HOUSE KNOWS TO GIVE ME AT LEAST 20 MINS NOTICE SO I CAN CLEAN ; ITS A TRAUMA THING\]
But its nothing to crazy and I think that should be easily respected. Well … she waited 20 mins to reply to me to say shes 5 mins away.. I replied with "wow".
she than goes "i got out of school early and decided to head over … " I then replied with "ok..but you could’ve given us a heads up when you left" she then replies "oh I thought I told u guys 4:30"
and I told her "yesterday.. you told us 4:30.. today no" she replies with "I was gonna go yesterday but got too late so I just told ur husband 1 would bring the dog today. I apologize for not let u know ahead of time if u guys are not home I can iust take Iris some nlace till ur home"
I replied with " were home but its just , yah know letting somebody know your on ur way to their house is useful information"
she replied with "got it well I don’t want to be an inconvenience so I ll just drop off \[his daughter\] , no worries"
And thats what she did she dropped her off and didnt even wait til she knocked on the door before speeding off..
so I wanna know what it is I said wrong or was I an asshole?
So, just to see if I have this straight because the writing in OP is atrocious-
She said she was going to come at 4:30. She came at 4:30. You’re mad?
Weird way to phrase my husband’s baby mama/ex wife.
She did communicate with you that morning that she’d be over after class, which ends at 4pm. So I don’t know how you didn’t have a heads up. If you really need that extra 15 minutes when you had all day, I’m concerned about the state of your house.
YTA
YTA: she gave you a rough time estimate and gave you a warning text when she was on her way. The passive aggressive “wow” was an asshole thing to text her.
Still she apologised. Yet, you followed up with another passive aggressive text.
She sensed you were in a mood and decided not to come inside. You weren’t exactly giving off welcoming vibes through your messages.
And what the heck is, “we all woke up sick but just allergies”??? Either you’re sick and shouldn’t be in contact with other people, or you’re not.
YTA
Seems like you have some insecurities towards your husband’s baby mama. Also, please learn how to type.
Sooo I don’t want to call either of you an AH because I think this was just kind of a miscommunication thing but you were a bit much here. Like I get you like to always have a 20 minute heads up and she should have known that, but life doesn’t always work out the way that we like and you knew she was getting off at 4:00 so she would be headed your way. Why didn’t you just start cleaning knowing she’d be coming over? That’s what most people would do and if you’re incapable of having someone show up outside your rigid schedule that’s going to cause you some issues in the future-especially with kids involved.
I also think the “wow” was a bit rude and obviously she did too. If you’re trying to maintain a civil relationship with someone then sometimes we need to reign in our own weird reactions that have nothing to do with the other person. I also think she handled it very politely with her apology and not coming in to avoid any awkwardness. Hopefully it will all blow over and everyone will be able to move past it and she will remember in the future to let you know and maybe you’ll work on working through whatever makes you react the way you did.
YTA
YTA. You knew her approximate timing. Why on earth would you still need “20-minute notice” of her arrival? I cannot figure out what this would have to do with trauma….. unless you have further info on that. I can’t believe you were surprised that she didn’t come in given how you responded to her.
You made a bigger issue where one really didn’t need to be. Maybe it is best that the communication is handled by the daughters parents from now on. Your husband can also just go pick up his daughter or they can do a drop off if you don’t want the girls mother at your house without the 20 minute notice. You also could have cleaned up yesterday when she originally was going to drop her off so that you didn’t have to the next day. It’s all a little weird and seems like you’re trying to have some control over a situation that really doesn’t call for it. If you have any issue it’s also best not to be passive aggressive in your responses like saying “wow”. That’s starting a fight. You come across as a 21 year old mean girl
Yta
“Me and her have a good relationship” are you sure about that? lol
YTA
Your past trauma is not something everyone else has to by hyper aware of to the point of giving you a heads up at a specific time frame. If you need it to be, start texting your response in a way to give you your house cleaning time.
It’s just as easy to say “Hey, we are not ready yet, can you swing by in 20min?” Rather than “wow”.
YTA
YTA. This woman was dropping off your stepdaughter. It’s on you to manage your anxiety and ensure the house is “clean enough”. It’s not like she was just stopping by for a random reason.
If she’s communicating with her ex, that’s on him
For not pass g on relevant info to you.
YTA: you don’t have to have the ex in your house but to just drop off your husband’s daughter you shouldn’t need “notice to clean”. The daughter should feel welcome to come over or drop in unannounced anytime.