I 27F live with my 27F husband, his elder brother, and his elder cousin sister and her husband. Everyone is older than me and it’s an ethnic household, so I don’t feel comfortable speaking up on the matter below. I work full-time (have to leave by 7:30am) but I cook dinner for everyone almost every night, which is also expected to last for lunch the next day for everyone. I make breakfast only for me and my husband on weekdays, and for everyone on weekends. Occasionally, my sister-in-law or her husband cooks, but most planning, shopping, and tracking ingredients falls on me. I also feel like I’m the one cleaning the house every week. Guys play sports after work and come back at 9-9:30pm for dinner.
My husband helps and supports me, but when he asks me to cook in front of everyone, I feel overwhelmed and expected of to do these. Why can’t he say that to his brother? Does he feel the same as me? They are very close but keep debating over random things. He has mentioned me to think as if its just 2 in the house and to do things as if we are only doing it for us. When I share this, he says I can just say no but saying no doesn’t feel realistic in this setup. I end up angry at the situation, not at him. I feel stuck because I can’t cook just for myself, and I’m expected to meet everyone’s preferences daily. Today my husband said “I am done with this and I give up. Do what you want, no one is forcing you or ordering you. It is hard to maintain relationship”.
Husband’s parents talk over phone daily to his brother and they also know he doesn’t do things around the house. Today I called them and they said “Ah yeah it must be hard for you but it keeps you active and everyone praises you for being good. Situations are like this, you are doing great job”. I have no friends. Only their friends are my acquaintances but not good to share these things outside of the house.
AITA for not speaking up to elders? AITA for feeling angry and telling my husband about it? Or should I just accept this and continue? Am I overthinking? I can’t move out at this stage with just husband. I can’t complain this to anyone except husband and he is also tired of hearing it “you will come back a week later with the same discussion”. My stomach aches bad with anxiety thinking about this. I def need to get a hobby!
Yes YTA to yourself. Protect your peace and your sanity.
So you’re their maid and chef.
Who also has to pay for the privilege of being their servant.
Why can’t one of the other five adults in this home pull their weight?
Girl what are you talking about? Why do you work full time and manage the house full time? Why would you take your husband with you if you left? He’s the one expecting you to do the job of 5 people living there. You are not overthinking. You see that you are being treated unfairly and his family has no intention of doing any better, and will only get more demanding. You are NTA for wanting to stand up for yourself but like, get on with it. They aren’t going to change.
Just start saying no. No one can take advantage of you without your permission. Your husband has given you permission to say no but you won’t do it.
NTA. You are being taken advantage of because you are doing almost everything for others that are more than happy to let you. Don’t feel bad for communicating your needs and advocating for yourself to not be overworked.
NTA.
I’m pretty sure your husband doesn’t want to hear it because you brought him a problem to which he offered a solution. The next time you come back to him, you come back with the same problem. He’s frustrated because you aren’t doing anything about it, so it’s basically becoming his problem and a problem in your marriage.
You aren’t being fair to yourself; you’re doing too much, causing frustration for both you and your husband. Please try to see his brother and his cousin and her husband as housemates, rather than elders you have to serve.
Time for this house to have a meeting and to split up chores. Set boundaries soon or you may hurt yourself and your marriage and your relationship with brother and cousins, too.
NTA.
Just because they are older than you doesn’t make them elders. They are of the same generation as you, based on the description you gave. It’s not like parents, grandparents or aunts and uncles.
Can you and your husband move out? Why doesn’t sister cousin cook more meals? Maybe suggest date nights with your husband.
We cannot move out because we dont have enough savings. We used to pay all the rent and groceries just before we started sharing recently. I also have to look after my parents. Sister wakes up late. Cooks sometimes and goes to work. Comes at night to have dinner and sleep. Husband also doesnt want to leave the family behind. Date nights are rare but I try to do weekend mornings to go out. He doesnt plan anything. I need to suggest him ideas. It feels like I nag about going out with just us two. I still have to cook sometimes when I am going away at night.
Do you work? Does everyone else in the house work? Do you pay rent? Does everyone else pay rent? More details needed.
Why aren’t the men cooking and cleaning!
How often are they playing sports.
You have to have a household meeting with preset chore schedule! You need to learn to say no and walk away. Must stop people pleasing before you have kids.
They play almost every evening now. I have just sent a request for meeting tonight for chores with some courage
YTA Just stop doing all the work. Stop carrying the mental load for the entire household, including your husband.
In the evenings, when you come home, make yourself a quick, cold meal or a simple soup and let all the others figure out what to eat, even your husband.
You all need to sit down and make a schedule for household chores, including your husband, or you all need to agree to hire outside help that you all pay for in a fair manner.
Stop shopping for everyone. Order online to make groceries easier and make sure your husband helps you with decisions about food, menus, and cooking.
If you don’t stand up for yourself, no one will.