For complete context me (F20) has been friends with “Jane” (F19) for almost 12 years. During our whole relationship Jane always said she never wants to get married until after she graduated college which she is currently still in the process of doing.
Jane met “John” (M22) mid 2023
When they met he was visiting the US from Germany He’s apart of the army in Germany and was visiting to see how everything would work out. At that time he was in a relationship with another woman back in Germany. A thing Jane had known about.
While going out she had told me that he was complaining about how being in this relationship with that women was draining
Late one night they were watching a movie and one thing let to another and Jane and John had both had s\*x
After that night they began “causally” dating before he had to catch a flight back to Germany.
Jane had come to me later that week saying how he had broken things off with the other women and wanted to completely and totally be with Jane.
Since that day they’ve been in a relationship.
Spending money to go back and forth from Germany to the US to spend time together.
Last night she had gotten me and our other friend (F19) <we’ll call her Doe> together to spend the night in her hot tub which was a regular occurrence and we were very excited.
Nearly 10 minutes getting into the tub she had stated that she was getting married in 4 weeks to john.
Both absolutely speechless she clarifies it’s for a green card. she followed up by saying that he came to her about 2 weeks ago and asked about getting married to which
she said “i’m not done with college it’s a main goal and i want to wait”
He followed with “I want to spend my life with you i hate being far away from you and i want a life in the US but i can’t start my life without getting married.”
Which to me sounds a lot like guilt tripping/ black mailing
when we asked her if she was happy about or even what she wants to do
she replied with “ of course it’s not ideally what i want to do but it’s something that needs to happen”
she then said she was planning on eloping and getting married in Vegas in 4 weeks which is when he’s going to be in the country.
given she’s always stated she wants to wait until after college it feels completely and totally uncharacteristic of her to do. and i personally in agreement with Doe think it’s a bad idea to just get married in order to “keep” a relationship
Doe has been completely supportive in her decision when i came to her and asked why she was being so supportive she stated she wants to put a straight face on to be a pillar for Jane to talk to.
I want to be supportive in all aspects of Jane’s life. But i also want Jane to be happy in the decisions she’s making and it just doesn’t feel like this is making her happy.
I want to speak about my feelings toward the situation but i’m unsure if it’s my place. Do i wait for her to come to me?
Please help me!
oh boy! red flags left right & centre. NTA. you can raise your concerns, just don’t let it end your friendship. if it does go down she will need you. very thin line to walk.
yep! i 100% agree lots of red flags with the pressure from him “I can’t start my life without being married” nonsense.
as the commenter above me said, be there for her, even if it’s a bad idea, AND voice your opinion. one single seed can grow into a tree, it’s up to you to plant it. be there for her if her castle crumbles, and be there while it is built up. there’s gray area, but YOU’RE her friend, you’ll know what she needs to hear and how to handle it.
If you do talk to her, frame it as *she* seems unhappy, does she want to talk about it? rather than *you* think it’s a bad idea.
But did she seem to be unhappy? It seems more like her friend, the OP, is just making that assumption due to the fact that she has always said she would not marry until she had completed college.
FYI there is an income requirement to sponsor greencard for spouse. if she’s only 19 and hasnt started working full time yet, chances are she cant even sponsor him.
Question. Where are her parents? What is her relationship like with them? Do they know about her upcoming marriage?
Her mother is aware of her getting married and are upset and frustrated with her. this is also a reason i’m unsure if i should say anything right now. But i also know im running out of time…
Will she be forced or threatened to stay married until the guy gets his green card? As in, is there an exit plan for her if things go nasty?
Or, are things going to get nasty for her if she decides to exit halfway? There’s a lot at stake for the guy.
My brother is a US citizen married to a german girl. They don‘t automatically get a green card. It is still a very complicated process and often takes years (especially under the current admin) and a good amount of money. If she is doing this so they can easily spend more time together, maybe encourage her to look into the process – that might be enough for her to recognize marriage isn‘t a quick fix to living together. Would she move there? What’s the plan for her finishing her degree? Asking her questions and being curious might make her realize it‘s more complicated and is a decision that shouldn‘t be taken lightly.
Her saying it’s “something that needs to happen” is beyond insane. You don’t get married because it “needs to happen.” You marry for love.
NTA. Strategically, you want to ask more questions so that she realizes on her own thst it’s not a good idea. “Have you talked about how you’re going to handle finances once you’re married? Do you know where he wants to live long-term? How many kids are you thinking of having?” Look up a list of “premarital counseling” questions if you need ideas, and just casually bring them up.
NTA, go look at the requirements for a spousal visa. At the very least you can drop into conversation “oh! I didn’t realize you had a financial sponsor to ensure he could get the green card” or something like that.
As part of the application you need Form I-864 (Affidavit of Support), which demonstrates that the immigrant spouse will have adequate financial support while living in the United States.
Adequate financial support information is here: https://travel.state.gov/content/travel/en/us-visas/immigrate/the-immigrant-visa-process/step-1-submit-a-petition/i-864-affidavit-faqs.html
Apparently for a household of size 2 it’s $26,437. If she doesn’t have that income level, she has to show five times that in cash assets (so about $130k)
Also, I know folks who have been through the interview process and they had to show every piece of evidence of their relationship, they even had to show their texts and birthday cards, anything to prove it was legit. I mean it was a real relationship and they passed, but they said it was tougher than they expected.
Also, in general, I’d be supportive but also “I love and support you and want to be here for you no matter what, but I also wouldn’t be a good friend if I didn’t voice my concerns that I’m worried about you in this situation. I just want you to be happy, and I am here for you, and part of that is worrying about what this looks like for you long term.”
NTA, this is clearly very worrying, but you need to tread carefully here. Start with something like ‘If this is what you really want then I’m 100% behind you and happy for you, but I also want you to know you can come to me if you want to chat or are having any doubts. It’s all moved very quickly, which could be because you have fallen in true love and it’s meant to be and sometimes you just know, but I’m here if you have any concerns or need to talk things out ’ etc, so you can open up the doorway for her to come to you and gage her reaction. If she’s defensive immediately, probs best to drop it for a while. This definitely seems like he’s grooming/ love bombing her for a green card, which will result in a lot of heartache for her and she’ll need good people around her. If you straight up tell her she’s doing the wrong thing, you’ll nuke your relationship and she’ll marry him anyway.
Good luck! X
Not identical but my bestie dated a pot grower who was a drunk and full of shit. They fought like crazy and had nothing in common – anywho! They got engaged, planned this wild wedding and my other bestie and I sat her down and told her that we thought this was a horrible idea and we would do whatever we could to get her out of the situation. BUT, we also vowed it be the only time we would tell her our thoughts anymore and if she chose to marry him we would drop it because we love her.
They got married. Surprise! It was toxic. And they divorced 1 kid and 6 years later. She’s rebuilding her entire life and we’re all still close. The point is, if she’s your friend you love her aside from her choices (aside from the obvs harmful etc) or the friendship has run its course.