Hi,
AITA for wanting to know what will happen with my grandads ashes, or if there has been anywhere setup for his remembrance like a bench?
for background content, my grandad got remarried a few years ago after my nan passed away. This didn’t go well to start with, not just with myself. bit after a few years passing by, I came to terms with their relationship and saw that she really did love and care for him.
Then about 4 years ago, he sadly passed away and since the funeral I’ve not heard from his wife/widow.
To be fair to her, I’ve not reached out to her but nor has she reached out to me.
About 2/3 weeks ago I did send her a message, to ask what she had done with his ashes. Her reply was that he was there with her, and that she had a tree planted at a National Trust property. But you don’t get told where the tree is, it’s just like a donation.
I gave it time to digest the information, as I have found it hard being my only grandad I don’t have a graveside to go and pay any respects.
After about a week, I sent a message just to ask if she had any plans with the ashes. Which if she says no, or she wants to keep them until she passes to have them together, thats fine it’s not up to me and I’d just like to know. So I can try and move on be sorting something else, if need be.
He was a big part of my life growing up, and I’d like to have somewhere to go and remember him and tell him my stories like I do with my other grandparents
INFO – why is it her responsibly to create a space for you to mourn him when you didn’t even reach out to her, *his widow*, for over 4 years after his death? Why don’t you plant a tree or donate a bench with his name on it to a place you associate with him?
I’m not asking her to do it for me, I just wanted to know of it is/was something she is or has planned. If not, I will sort this myself.
Again why can’t you just do this on your own? You obviously don’t care about this woman since you didn’t speak to her for 4 years after she lost her husband, just leave her alone.
As I said before, I’m happy to do this on my own. I just wanted to know if he had done anything, or was planning to. Surely I can ask the question, even if it’s don’t get a reply I will have to live it and sort it out on my own with something else. My main AITA was mainly asking her the question. You obviously feel that I am the asshole, which is fine. I can take that. It’s your opinion and I need to take your opinion, as that’s the whole point of this group.
You already asked her and she already told you she was keeping his ashes and had a tree planted. I get that you don’t seem to like that it’s not a very specific tree, but maybe if you had spoken to her in the weeks and months following his death you could have been involved in what was done, but you literally haven’t spoken to this woman in 4 years.
NTA for asking, but maybe if you keep pushing or try to imply that she needs to do something other than what she currently is.
If you suspect she might be lying, you can search Find-A-Grave to see if there’s a memorial for him somewhere. If there’s no entry for him, you can create one if it would make you feel better and list his location as “cremated” (https://support.findagrave.com/s/article/Creating-Memorials).
You always have the option of creating a “cenotaph” for your grandfather — a memorial marker that sometimes looks just like a gravestone, there just isn’t a grave. You might even be able to locate it with relatives’ graves — check with the relevant cemetery.
Thank you for your comment and suggestion. I will certainly look into the cenotaph.
My intention is not to push her for an answer, I said she could take her time. But if she decides to not answer at all, I will take my time to get over it. Which I know won’t be easy, but with your suggestion hopefully this will be a huge help.
YTA
You randomly reach out after 4 years and act like this is your business.
If you didn’t care 4 years ago, you don’t get to care now.
Moreover, she’s his next of kin and, frankly, why she did or is doing with them simply isn’t your business.
YTA for leaving it four years without contacting his wife, and then out of the blue demanding answers about something you’ve not bothered to ask about in years.
I’m not demanding answers, I’d just like to know. As to responses in my other comments. If she decides not to reply, I’m just going to move on and learn to deal with it.