Me 32F is having a birthday dinner and my mom asked if I would invite her boyfriend 65M.
I don’t want to invite him and here the reasons: although they have been mostly together for 10 years, I do not like him and I have made her aware over the years. Recently I’ve decided the best decision is to be cordial but not overly nice. At family functions I will make pleasantries, but do my best to avoid direct conversations.
He doesn’t understand social cues and frequently makes comments that make me and my friends and family uncomfortable. He has joked that I should exchange s\*xual favors with my landlord for rent. He makes frequent comments about my mother’s weight in front of family and he has had multiple discussions with my cousins about “the problem with the Chinese” that have made him very uncomfortable.
The dinner will be my immediate family, my uncle and the aforementioned cousin and I invited a couple of friends, another uncle and my grandma who won’t be able to attend.
My mother asked if I could add him to the dinner and I told her I didn’t want to and she said “it’s an issue of respect” and said if he wasn’t invited she won’t attend. I don’t want to ruin my relationship with my mother but I think I have a right to not include him on my invite list.
Then they don’t come.
NTA – it \*is\* an issue of respect. He doesn’t respect you, your friends, or your family. Tell your mom that you’d love to have her, and you’ll miss her if she chooses not to attend, but BF’s ‘jokes’ are not welcome.
NTA. Tell your mom she is correct. It is a matter of respect. She needs to respect your wishes for your birthday or she can stay home with her crap boyfriend.
NTA It’s your birthday, you deserve to feel comfortable. No one is entitled to your time and space “as a matter of respect” when they don’t respect you. You may burn bridges with your mother, but she’d be choosing sides either way and if she respected you or herself she wouldn’t bring her boyfriend.
NTA. This man is making people uncomfortable. You’re not telling your mom who she can spend time with. You’re deciding who you spend time with.
Nta. You’re not ruining your relationship with your mom. Your mom ruined it and you’re just choosing not to let her disrespect your boundaries in order to “keep the peace”
Tell your mom that you are sorry but due to how uncomfortable he makes you and other members of your family, the plan for your birthday dinner will not include her boyfriend and you hope that doesn’t prevent her from coming but if it does then so be it. Maybe try and schedule a separate mother/daughter outing just the two of you. Be firm but sympathetic and hope she comes around to seeing what you see, but know the more you push the harder she might hold on to him. NTA that is a very hard position to be in and I do not envy you.
So you don’t “respect” Mom’s racist, sexist boyfriend who criticizes her body in front of you? Maybe he should act like someone worthy of respect then.
I absolutely would not back down and allow him to ruin the evening. This is your night and you choose whom to celebrate with. Your mother can decline over it, but one small little thing like this should not “ruin your relationship”. You can celebrate separately with your mother at another time if you’d both like that instead. NTA for not inviting him.
NTA. Respect goes both ways.
If you don’t want him and his grossness around you and your friends on your birthday, that’s your prerogative!
Not the asshole
At first I was gonna say, they’ve been together for 10 years maybe you should just suck it up and invite, but after reading the last three paragraphs, hell no! NTA
This is simple.
You: No he’s not coming, he does nothing but make everyone uncomfortable
Mother: Well if he’s not coming I’m not coming
You: Your presence will be missed, this is your call, sorry you can’t make it.
End chapter.
Your mother is using her relationship and weaponizing it against you and your own boundaries. Just because she chose to hook up with an asshole for a decade, doesn’t mean you have to be saddled with him too, she’s a grown woman and can live with her own decisions.
I get that you don’t want to cut ties with your mother, but ultimately she’s the one making ultimatums here and playing a good old game of FAFO with her daughter.
You’re 32, enjoy your birthday with the company you genuinely want around.
NTA
NTA but thats not an issue with social cues. *I* struggle with social cues, that looks like not realizing the other person isnt interested in me rambling about prions for 20+ minutes and not realizing that my table mate doesn’t want to hear about the diseases you can get from cannibalism at the dinner table. I have never, not once, made a joke about exchanging sexual favours for rent or made racist comments because I’m not racist or a perv.
You can invite whoever you want to your birthday dinner, and exclude whoever you want too, its *your* birthday. In my opinion, if your mother thinks those comments are excusable to the point that she wants to pressure you to invite him, she should be on the “exclude” list too. Its a matter of respect; respecting your wishes and basic human decency.