I {25F} (C) have been arguing with my partner {26M} (J) for the past 2weeks because this one thing has honestly has broken something inside me and I don’t know if I’m in the right for feeling this way. It’s the way he said it, that he wouldn’t risk his own safety living in apartment in a not so safe area. When I told him I’ve been doing that exact thing for three years plus another two for myself.
he had to move in with his family they are not good people and whenever he is with them he goes back to his narcissistic egotistical ways I suggested finding an apartment, I found a few but the 320 is in a dangerous area. he broke his car and needs to buy another car Along with the five other debts that he could pay off this year if he’s careful we are getting married this year so that money along with the debt. I’ve been living like this for three years waiting for him to get his act together and it seemed he finally has, he’s just stated working two jobs and I’m proud of him in that regard. I hate we don’t have the same standards.
I was homeless going through school+work. Covid happened couldn’t go for the career I had chosen but continued and graduated. I went to school again while in my apartment and in order to keep it I needed two jobs while doing full-time school. ( basically what he’s doing with the two jobs now.) I thought maybe he would surprise me and move into the 320 as a way to save his money and get rid of his debt before we get married because it’s something I would risk for him had I been in his shoes. I fortunately have no debt because I’ve been working since I was 19 I went for a higher education 3 times paid upfront with with my savings. Unfortunately, I had to move to a friend house now stuck in retail. Not only that the town that I’m living in is dangerous with crackheads roaming around constantly in the streets or at my work I’ve seen 3 knife fights, I’ve almost been mauled by two pit bulls, My roommate has been attacked the next street over, I’ve had crackheads banging on the door and house at 3 am, last thing I have also had this house broken into twice. (renovation house gutted bathroom with cockroaches, rats,deadly spiders.) I’ve been living in an unsafe area for 3 years waiting for him to get his act together find a staple job. And he couldn’t do 1 year for me (320 apartment is 1 year lease). he’s risk his safety in other ways before living in a trailer in a unsafe area in OK, military special forces, or go into training to be a cop. However, In his words, “I have to live in that area because my job is in this area and rent is too high for me to live anywhere else”. he has a stable job now he doesn’t have to live in the ghetto. I feel like he would not do for me like I’ve done for him and it’s killing me inside. If I’ve been in a scary dangerous area waiting for him why couldn’t he do the same for me? That’s what’s been killing me. But he’s telling me I’m being selfish and I’m just take take taking from him. AITAH
NAH. I can relate to your story. Wish I couldn’t. He is not the AH for not wanting to live in skid row and does not reflect badly on you doing so to survive. Let him decide when he can’t handle living with them anymore and earn the money in the meantime. It is his decision for now. If he is working as much as you say he is he won’t even be around his family much.
What I hope can happen is what happened to me, a life change and a leg up. So you can move out of skid row and into a better community. Once that happens it will be like magic and you will sleep better then you ever have. I wish that upon you. I wish you a safe and healthy marriage and future.
There is nothing wrong with surviving. If there is an opportunity to get out of survival and living a little more carefree take it. This is only one more year. And if something happens and you both end up having to readjust your life. That is absolutely ok. Because you will know how.
Are you sure you want to marry this guy? Seems like a lot of red flags.
Info – how have you been stuck living in dangerous housing because of him? You’re living in housing you can afford, how is it that you’re doing that for him?
It doesn’t sound like he’s ready to move in with you, you’re NTA if he’s stringing you along and not contributing to the relationship. But if that’s what he’s doing you should break up with him, not tell him he has to do what you want.
Sorry there was more detail however I did shrink it down to under 3000 characters
Sorry to just let you know, I’m from another country and I used to go to school with him in his country known him since we were teenagers. The reason I say I’m doing that for him is because it’s the only way I’m making money for me to afford a wedding and immigration. Had I not decide to be with him I would’ve had my own career in Pet Grooming because I couldn’t start signing contracts and take out a significant loan to start my career and then immigrate over two years later. It just wasn’t doable to start my career and choose him at the same time. And so I’m stuck here while he got to live comfortably in a safe neighbourhood for the past three years in a four bedroom house. I had to pay myself to go visit him four times. Because he could never afford it.
So when he couldn’t live in that four bedroom house any more and to make sure he doesn’t go back to his old Ways in his family home I suggested him to get an apartment. And I thought he would have noticed how I’ve struggled and he would for once attempt what I was doing just to get his debt out of the way.
Because I feel like he’s lived life with a silver spoon his entire life. It just would’ve been nice if he noticed my sacrifices without me saying anything.