I (17M) have a friend (17M) who jokes around a lot. Sometimes it crosses the line, but I usually let it go because that is just how he is. He has been dealing with a lot lately and has been more sensitive than usual.
Last week we were hanging out with a group of friends. He made a joke about me being awkward in social situations. People laughed, and I got embarrassed, but instead of addressing it calmly or talking to him later, I immediately snapped.
I said, loudly, that at least I do not constantly seek attention or freak out when people do not text back fast enough. I knew those were things he was insecure about, and I said them anyway because I wanted to shut him up.
The mood instantly changed. Everyone went quiet, and he looked genuinely hurt. He did not say anything for the rest of the night and left early.
Afterward, he texted me saying I crossed a line and that I could have handled it privately instead of humiliating him. I told him that he embarrassed me first, but now I am realizing I intentionally went for something I knew would hurt him instead of just defending myself.
Some of our friends say I took it too far and that even if he was annoying, what I said was cruel. Others say he deserved it, but I keep thinking about the look on his face.
I feel bad, but I also felt pushed in the moment.
AITA?
ESH, him more than you. It’s shitty to hurt your friends. He started it, so it’s hypocritical of him to dish it and complain. You stooped a bit low, but I understand why. Try talking to him when emotions aren’t as high.
Thanks, I’ll try talking to him and I’ll post an update if I can.
You both sound soft as baby shit. Those would rank among the absolute nicest things we used to say to each other. For reference, I’m 45 and have had the same 2 best friends since before kindergarten.
You’re weird for this lol, these are 17 year olds. Let kids ask for advice without clowning them
You guys are both the assholes here but, thats okay. Your friend has to learn that not everyone is going to be conscious of his feelings when he’s talking crap. And you probably shouldn’t have tried to hurt his feelings. Talk it out and apologize to each-other.
ESH, but there’s an old phrase “don’t dish it out if you can’t take it”.
ESH- I think you already knew that YTA. The question is, what are you going to do about it? When someone trusts you with their fears and anxieties, that’s sacred. Using it against them is way out of bounds. I get that you were reacting out of hurt, embarrassment and anger. I used to do the same – lash out when I felt attacked. I destroyed a number of relationships as a result. I’ve come a long way, but it’s also something I’m still working on. You’re human. Now, give your friend a very sincere apology, forgive yourself, and move forward. The relationship may or may not be repairable as trust has been broken.
Thanks for the advice! I’ll be posting an update soon
ESH
“So are we done hurting each other?”
Start with that and maybe you can still be friends.
ESH
ESH, I’d double down on it though. Tell him, “ I’m sorry. I can’t help it. I’m awkward in social situations.”
NTA
You are NOT a doormat. If he wants to dish it out, he needs to be able to take any comeback he gets.
You’re young, so I’ll be gentle. I totally understand why you did it – he targeted your personal insecurities so you did the same. Particularly in the context of being made fun of for being socially awkward specifically, I understand why you’d want to talk shit back rather than just quietly accepting it, because NOT saying anything would validate what he’d said. I also agree with others here that he shouldn’t mock you if he can’t handle being mocked himself. It shows emotional maturity that you’re feeling bad for it, even though you already knew it would be hurtful when you said it.
Others have said you both suck but that he sucks more, but I think NTA. What you did wasn’t good but it was retaliatory and he was spiteful towards you, publicly, for no reason. Plus, you’re very young, so you can’t be expected to react in a rational and measured way to stuff like this 100% of the time, particularly if you’ve been putting up with this behaviour from him for a while.
Tell him that you’re sorry for what you said, but also explain why you said it and how he made you feel. It can be a very delicate line to walk, but try to explain your actions without justifying them, and stress how sorry you are. Hopefully he’ll apologise too, and if so, you guys can move on. If he doesn’t, that’s another issue entirely, but it’s a good starting point either way.