I realize my verdict will be asshole and right fully so, but I do feel this community does provide a lot of insight. I have already talked about it with my sister and therapist.
I was asked to be my friends bridesmaid for a May 2027 wedding. When she was initially looking into wedding venues she wasn’t going to have a bridal party. Then I was asked two weeks later. It was kind of her.
I know it’s her day. But I really hate wearing similar gowns and I hate the color she chose. I just want to step down, but I realize this will probably end our friendship. I know it’s for one day, but I just don’t want to do it. I really am getting a pit in my stomach.
My sister said this will end our friendship, and my therapist said to understand cost of both decisions.
I guess my question is
a. Is it early enough that I can step down?
b. How can I even say this? I know this will probably blow up our friendship?
Soft YTA
But if she’s a real one it won’t end the friendship. She might not ever rely on you to do anything big like that ever again in the back of her mind
But you’re totally valid in not wanting to do something but the reasons listed seem so petty you don’t want to wear the same color and you don’t like the dress.
It’s one day and I’d personally suck it up but ultimately you do you.
Call her up and tell her you’re so happy she’s getting married. And, that you’re going to take a step back and drop out as a bridesmaid.
Don’t explain. Be polite. Say you’ll catch up soon. Then hang up.
Use your adult voice.
That sounds absolutely cowardly.
If this ends your friendship than you never had one. You are allowed to change your mind, not feel comfortable doing something for whatever reason, and you are giving her more than a year’s notice. You are not doing anything wrong.
I would tell her after thinking about it you would like to be just a guest at her wedding, the bridesmaid role is not for you.
I feel like I’m missing something. Like, is this rage bait or are you really as vapid as you sound? Be the bridesmaid or don’t—but because of the dress??? Seriously? Honestly, the only way this makes sense is if you suck like to an extreme level, like narcissistic level, and then yes, PLEASE step down so that your friend can go and make true friends. You’re doing her a huge favour.
100% agreed. Unless the dress is truly horrific (super revealing, 20 layers of wool for an outdoor summer wedding, or something similarly wild), this is NOT being a good friend. Vapid is a fantastic descriptor.
People seem to think if it causes you mild discomfort or inconvenience it is the worst thing on earth. Sometimes we do stuff that we don’t want to do for those we love/care about and that is ok – it is part of being a good friend/partner/relative.
YTA OP – you shouldn’t have said yes in the first place (otherwise I would have said NAH)
That is so far away, probably a lot will change before then. People get married and divorced in shorter time spans than that
I wanna be there for one of the most important days of your life but like, the dress is ugly and I don’t like the color. That’s far too much for me to deal with. Find someone stronger.
Then look at yourself long amd hard in the mirror, man. Jfc.
Some women don’t have enough experience to understand that accepting a position in the bridal party is both time consuming and expensive! One article averaged the cost at $2K but it obviously can be more (or less).
If you are coming to a realization that it’s not a good fit for you, say so now! Sooner is far better than later!!!
Be kind. Be polite. Say that upon reflection, you find that you would be a better guest than a bridesmaid and you are so looking forward to the wedding.
Do NOT mention the “ugly” “unflattering” or “awful color” of the dress chosen!!! That’s outside your purview.
NTA Don’t do it if you’re not 100% in it. It’s a big responsibility for several EVENTS. And as your friend, you should bring nothing but good vibes for her…and your money haha
Missing some context….
Are you very close friends or more casual friends? You didn’t mention cost being an issue, however just not liking the dress or color sounds very superficial and maybe there’s a deeper reason you don’t want to participate?
Since it’s a year away, definitely decline now so she has plenty of time to get a replacement and be prepared to give a kind and considerate reason.
No comment because it’s over a year away. However, you better have a more reasonable excuse than “Your bridesmaids dress is ugly”.
If you go down that path, Y T A. Suck it up.
Edit to remove judgment.
Surely the bride maids have some input into the dresses. I think you should put on your big girl pants and participate in the wedding. Now, if you can’t afford all the expenses that are coming down the line that’s a different story. nta but …
YTA. You said you would do it, and you don’t have a solid reason for backing out.
And then, having admitted that you are the AH, you want “this community \[to\] provide … insight” on how you can best carry out your AH move? The nerve.