My partner and I are in our early 30’s and are getting back together after a hiatus. We dated in our 20’s for a long time, broke up due to differences in futures and me being immature. As time went on, we found each other, still have the spark, and have picked up where we left off, to get married, kids, ect. Pretty standard 30 year old planning.
Yesterday, we saw his friend couple (who I’ve also known for years, but lost touch during the gap years) and they have a 3 month old. He is adorable as hell, they seem very happy and seeing their baby is always a positive experience. However, the theme I keep seeing with her, and some other moms, and that there is a lot of oversharing of the negative that is starting to terrify me, and that’s not even including how terrified I am of labor. I’m convinced now that it is a near death experience.
I’m a touch less afraid of that though, generally speaking, since there’s so much advancement in the medical field. I’m starting to fear the day to day of the ‘motherhood’ part. Not only the baby part, but the fact that your kid could be disabled or a terror in school? Or when they will one day be an adult, what if they are an insufferable asshole? Or a criminal? I’m a daughter of a mother who had terrible depression and a father with anxiety so this has been building inside of myself for years and was probably a big contender to why I didn’t want kids. I’ve been sort of a nervous wreck for years. I’m 32 now so I’m sort of ‘do it or don’t’ with the family part and I’m just… feeling guilty that I am not excited and I am dreading it a lot. I think a lot of it is what gets puts in women’s heads that don’t understand motherhood. It’s one of those things you don’t know until you know.
The parents I’ve met seem tired, over worked, stressed out, verge of tears, desperate to see other adults… That’s just what I keep seeing as a theme.
What gets new parents over that hump of giving up so much of their lives for their kids? I don’t want to resent having children (which is kind of a fear I feel like my own parents)
Maybe a mother can clear the air for me. I don’t want my partner to know I’m feeling this way.
EDIT: One of the things I learned (to be updated}
I am really curious as to why parents don’t talk more about the positives and the amazingness that you feel of kids because, like in my post, unfortunately, most parents only complain with their ‘non child’ friends. Maybe it’s a sub conscious thing? I would actually question parents to be more positive about parenting with non parent couple, even if they don’t want kids, because then they could be babysitters. When you’re an idiot like me, who knows nothing, you just assume child bearing + child raising is miserable. If it isn’t, why not tell people?
you’re in the wrong sub
recommended sub?
r/MomForAMinute will have good advice on the subject 🙂
Nta your thoughts are all common fears of parenting. So much of having kids is learning to live with the reality that you dint have control over how things go, with labor, with who a kid is, with who they turn into as adults. Best you can do is raise them well, teach them to be decent people, and hope for the best.
NTA, but I agree with the other commenter that this is the wrong sub. Try mommit. Also, please get into some therapy for your anxiety before having a kid, or you’ll give them anxiety or depression just like your parents gave you anxiety.
I think its important to really ask yourself the question if YOU want kids, or if its only cause you feel like you should, or cause your partner does.
If you really do, therapy is your friend. Motherhood is hard, and ppl are more open about that now than in the past.
thank you to anyone who has suggested a better sub, I had no idea where to even begin ♥ if you have anymore ideas, please feel free to comment below
NTA. I’m child free myself, but have a wonderful step daughter with two kids herself. She always said she never wanted kids, but then twins. They’re great, she loves them and wouldn’t give them up for all the sleep and clean house in the world. If you have kids, it’ll probably be fine, but you should not be under any obligation to have them. You can find happiness either way. Do what is best for you.
It sounds like a combo of generalized anxiety meeting a genuinely stressful and difficult situation.
Like I have tons of anxiety before surgery, and surgery is vulnerable and scary. So it’s not an inappropriate time to be anxious, but that doesn’t mean it’s not worth it to push through for the benefit / reward / desired outcome.
For me kids are not appealing, but for many people they get a lot of joy and fulfillment from it. Sometimes I think it sounds pretty amazing to watch a little life grow and learn about the world. To nurture that into a (hopefully) well rounded person that feels loved and supported, encouraged to explore this world with curiosity. But day to day, parenting is tiring, taxing, draining, difficult, and repetitive. But… life is already those things honestly.
We all have to choose where to put our energy, effort, and love. Those choices are often scary. But deep down, do you *want* to be a parent?
i wish i could like your comment twice! thank you ♥ the bit about growing a person sounds exciting to me. that sentence makes me feel motivated, honestly. But, like you also said, life is work haha. You have to give up to much to be a functional adult, even myself currently with no pets and no family, just a partner whom i am still working things out with. In my day to day, I am basically single. So it is scary to switch off the ‘i am self sufficient’ switch to ‘i am a mom’. Totally different lifestyles.
NTA. Totally normal, even. Im a dad and have had all the same fears about my kid, and he’s 8 now. Hes been the sweetest, most loving kid in the world. I’ve been the best dad I can be, but I’ll never be the one I think he deserves. Theres an acceptance process to that. We value commu cation and honesty, and hes my best friend. I was raised neglectfully and through with fear and intimidation. I try my damndest to never let him experience those things, but am i too protecting? Will he turn out unprepared for life because I raised him to look for good in a world thats gonna shit on him eventually?
Who knows. Like my therapist told me and I tell my own clients who ask, we cant know. We can do everything we think is right, and have to accept what happens.
My kid is an adult. They survived! And didn’t need therapy! I’m shocked. Seriously I AM shocked my kid isn’t still in therapy! I could write a novel, but I won’t.
Parenthood is rough. If you feel you won’t be a good parent, you’ll probably be absolutely amazing.
There are a thousand things that could go wrong during pregnancy, labour and childhood. As your child(children) grows the dangers change. If you allow your worries to get out of control, you will hurt your child by over protecting, sheltering, coddling, spoiling until your child is a terror to others.
Get therapy, make sure your anxiety is under control before even thinking about trying to get pregnant.
Oh definitely NTA. I’m a mom, and I’ve known my whole life that I wanted to be a mom – it’s still hard! I have no idea how people can do this without fully wanting to.
Keep in mind, the “venting” you’re getting from tired parents is just that – you’re hearing the worst parts of parenthood. People don’t always find childfree adults a welcome audience for their stories about joy regarding their kids. Not saying these moms you’re talking to aren’t exhausted; of course they are.
Also keep in mind that it’s not your *job* to have children. I’m in my 40s now, had my daughter at 25, and assumed I was the youngest of my friend group to have kids and that they’d all follow suit. Most of them remain childfree by choice.
Lastly, you said you don’t want your partner to know that you’re feeling this way. You absolutely cannot withhold this information from them. If you’re not in a place yet to share your anxieties with your partner, you’re definitely not in a place to have a child together. Be good to yourself, and make sure you’re doing things because you want to do them.
Nta. I have a 2yo Tasmanian devil for a child. All your feelings are valid. Kids are a lot. They’re emotionally and physically draining. When he catches a bug from daycare, we’re all down for the count. But, then I come home from a long day at work and he goes “DADA” and hugs my knees and trust me, it all worth it. Pregnancy is up to 10mo of growing a child and caring it around, it’s getting to only sleeping in certain positions. Your favorite foods will taste weird. Certain smells will make you puke. It’s emotional. And some days, as my wife would gladly tell me, it just plain sucks. Childbirth is a major medical event. A lot can go wrong. But most of the time, it goes right. And the look on my wife’s face when she first heard our son crying? I have never seen that woman so happy. I know you’re mostly focusing on the bad parts of parenting, but, I wouldn’t give up being a dad for the world.